unpinned (carol lynn pearson)

I hope that humans
Never pin down
Love or God.

Things pinned down
(Like butterflies)
Lose something
(like life).

I can go with progress
I am grateful
For a long life span
For medicine and computers
And I'm glad to know
The layout of the
Galaxy.

But let some
Mysteries win.

Let love and God be free
As a million monarchs
To touch our faces
With bright wings
And leave wonder in our eyes
As they rise
From the hand held pin.

Greg introduced me to the music and life of Joan Baez last night. I was kind of blown away. Why it has taken me so long to listen and notice. I really enjoyed watching her life bio and seeing her sing and talk about her life. Well, Saydi made her cooking but tonight. She made oatmeal raisin cookie muffins absolutely and completely by herself tonight!! She even searched for and found the recipe. I have no idea how she mixed them all together, but they turned out deliciously. Mckay made a puzzle for his friend Oliver. He printed it out and glued it and colored and cut it. He did it all by himself. Chandler is almost finished sewing his first apron in school. It looks great!! We got a little peg board today (with stars and heart wooden pieces that fit onto the nail pegs). It was perfect for the kids to track their daily jobs. When they have all 3 areas finished they can put a star or heart on their pegs. (I think this was a tic tac toe game actually. oh well, it is a very cute peg board). Did you see that it snowed? I hope somebody made a snowman. Well, I have a little more cleaning to do. I am very excited to see Linds, John and Joseph soon. Here is a song that I really liked from a conscientious objector. (sung by Joan Baez)


DAY AFTER TOMORROW
(Tom Waits/Kathleen Brennan)

I got your letter today
And I miss you all so much here
And I can't wait to see you all
And I'm counting the days dear
I still believe that there's gold
At the end of the world
And I'll come home
To Illinois
On the day after tomorrow

It is so hard and it's cold here
And I'm tired of taking orders
And I miss old Rockford town
Up by the Wisconsin border
What I miss you won't believe
Shoveling snow and raking leaves
And my plane
Will touch down
On the day after tomorrow

I close my eyes every night
And I dream that I can hold you
They fill us full of lies everyone buys
About what it means to be a soldier
I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel
About all the blood that's been spilled
Will God on his throne
Get me back home
On the day after tomorrow

You can't deny the other side
Don't want to die anymore than we do
What I'm trying to say is don't they pray
To the same God that we do
Tell me how does God choose
Just whose prayers he will refuse
Who spins the wheel
Who throws the dice
On the day after tomorrow

I'm not fighting for justice
I am not fighting for freedom
I am just fighting for my life
And another day on this earth dear
I just do what I've been told
We're just the gravel on the road
And only the lucky ones
Will come home
On the day after tomorrow

And the summer it soon will fade
And with it comes the winter's frost dear
And I know we too are made
Of all the things we lost here
I turn twenty-one today
I'm saving all my pay
And my plane
Will touch down
On the day after tomorrow

© Jalma Music (ASCAP)

in studying the differing viewpoints, considering my own feelings and perceptions, i've still concluded that i feel very much like i did when my brothers were considering killing eachother as they chased eachother around the house like maniacs. My first reaction was to believe they were really serious in their intent. and second i bought into the idea that if they saw me kneeling on the floor crying, and begging them to stop then of course they would stop. right? I'm not sure i've really grown out of that gut reaction. it doesn't take much to tune in to the debate of individuals and organizations involved in same-sex marriage/opposite-sex marriage/civil rights/religious freedom activities. Having a pre-disposition toward OCD, and self-doubt, I have not as yet, tapped into an effective and creative way of handling my awareness of the conflict. I have considered the easy option of tuning out. But there is a new generation of children who don't hold the frustrations and biases that I hold and I am in a position to teach them something. That responsibility is the single largest reason I keep listening, well......that and my OCD habit.

Up until now, full participation in the LDS church has been my single most spiritual and creative outlet in dealing with (well.....maybe creatively ignoring) the awareness of human conflict and suffering. As long as I had access to a laminator and a 24 hour Kinkos I didn't really need to listen that closely when 4yr old Adam says 'when I grow up, my mom says I HAVE to marry a girl' or when 5yr old Tristan says 'I told my mom I want to marry a boy when I grow up and she told me I couldn't'.

The loving heart of a Heavenly Father and (supposed) Mother who see me as I really am and fully understand my potential quickly dissolves into a distracting vision of all the important men in my life (husband, son, neighbor, brother, father, bishop, stake president, quorum of the 12, prophet) expressing multiple opinions. It is so hard to focus on what Heavenly parents would wish for me when I see and feel the piercing silence of this conflict and its influence on my life.

So, do I embrace both the conflict and the church?. Can the church continue to be a spiritual and creative resource for me in coping with this particular conflict? What does paradox demand of me today? Greg asked me what I was going to do today. I said, "make sure the kids get home from school" anything else is extra.

cool things happen. this is one of them. http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_13758070
I am so happy that actual live human beings were able to express this. I thought the LDS church was leaving this up to God to figure out for another place and another time, so I was resigned to wait. But, here is the proof that the answers for equality are in human minds and hearts right here, right now. I am moved by this. Whoever was able to put across the fact that this is not about creating a special class of people since we all have a sexual orientation and gender. Nice job in the creation of serious friendships among different people with different perspectives. Nice example of 'faithing' the impossible.

just another day

the weather has been unusually nice. we planted a tree in the parking strip. i have been trying to finish making the apple juice. we still have tons of apples. Greg's mom passed on last weekend. It has only been 4 months since his father died. His mom didn't seem like she was ready to go, but one day she just decided she was going and it was only 2 weeks later that she went. We are happy that she is now free from the constraints of life in a wheelchair and the pain she had to endure. But i Wish they had been able to stay a little longer. We miss them alot. Tomorrow is the memorial service for her. This has been a difficult year for everyone. Today I walked with Saydi and Mckay to the library. Mckay is into the Henry and Mudge series. Saydi read a stack of books but didn't check any out to take home. I have a few more things to do in applying to be a substitute teacher. i hope this will be a good change for me.

before i get it

in all of the learning and listening and considering of life and its many experiences, Greg has come across a couple of places in internet land that have given us another perspective to consider. http://www.staylds.com/ Greg has been on this site before and kept me from certain madness as I spend far too much energy trying to figure things out within our external social and religious environment. finally, i read a few things there for the first time. there are definitely some valid points to consider. Keeping life in balance helps. Even when there are no seemingly fair answers, seeking too hard multiplies the difficulty for me. One thing I agree with, at least I can see it applies in my situation, is the idea that while orthodoxy has helped me survive certain experiences, seeing it out of context is an impairment to my ability to thrive. I don't mean to throw the rules out the window. I mean to calmly understand why the rules are there in the first place. I am reminded of art classes where the teacher advised that we first learn the principles of art and the rules of discipline before we could fully appreciate and adequately direct our raw ability to create. And that some of the best creators of art knew how to effectively break those rules in astounding ways. Picasso was always a favorite example of theirs. Van Gogh was one of my personal favorites. I will probably always struggle with when to pull the rip cord to my creative abilities, but at least I am understanding better the relationship between the two. They are kind of necessary companions. I am getting to a point where I can accept that. Knowing me though, I will probably hit the ground several times before I really get it.