New Years Wish

as silence captures sound
and life
as tiny droplets
cleanse the strife
with clarity i find
changing heart and mind
enlarging to accomodate
the boundlessness
of love

love
that soon could fill
whatever heart would open
till
it fills the earth
and every soul
only then
will each one know
what now can only be
a faithful,
onward constancy

30 days

you know the person who made the movie supersize me? well he has continued to produce short films called 30 days. Available to watch online. All of the ones we have seen are pretty thought provoking. my favorite one so far is when he went to live on the Navajo Reservation for 30 days. He came away from that experience thinking more deeply about what it means to have family values, to live in the present, to feel connected to and grateful for the gifts of life. It was also a very poignant story about the abilities of the native americans to survive the dismissal and minimization of their identity, culture, traditions and language. There were a couple other noteworthy films. One is about a devout LDS anti-gay family. They have a few young children. The mom agrees to live with a gay couple and their 3 adopted boys for 30 days. I wont spoil the outcome of the experiement for you. You will have to watch it. Another film was about a minuteman who agreed to live with a family of illegal immigrants for 30 days. Another was about a straight 25-year old anti-gay bible believing Christian man who agreed to live with a gay guy in the Castro district for 30 days. The outcome of both of those were very interesting. Very thought provoking.

Even though I appreciate watching this kind of journalism, one problem it tends to create for me is triggering memories of injustice. Experiences that were unequal to my resources at the time. I have to have a few days afterward to calm my thinking and stay connected with the present.

spending time with the kids is so special. we went swimming together for a couple of hours on saturday. the pool was nice and warm. lots of fun things for the kids to do and begin testing their swimming abilities. there was a slide for little kids and lots of shallow water to build confidence in Mckay and Saydi. By the time it was time to go Mckay was jumping in the water and pushing himself back up from the floor. He was pretty daring. Saydi still hesitates to think she will ever want to put her head under water, but she enjoys dancing and playing in the water immensely. She also had fun spotting Chandler wherever he was. He was always trying to sneak up on her and catch her leg or something. Chandler was all over the pool. Mostly going down the slide for big people. Greg made hot carob milk for us when we got home. And toast. yummy. After swimming Saydi and I played a game of life. It was funny to hear her say she felt guilty for winning me. Oh boy. She is learning mommy rules too young haha.

Today we went to church. Saydi had her baptism interview. I came in with her. She is pretty excited for her big day. It is Saturday. She has been teaching herself to play piano. Today she was goofing around trying to play the song that I am going to play for the relief society christmas program. She played the first part with a recording I had made of the second player part. she was doing an excellent job. she has a photographic memory for sight and sound. Then she asked me to play the left hand parts of songs she chose from the primary children's songbook. She did fantastic. She just picked out the melodies as she went along. She doesn't read music yet. We played several songs like that. Since we have the piano in the living room now all 3 kids have started using it more. Even Mckay sits up there and makes up his own songs and records them. Chandler has mastered chopsticks and part of the entertainer. He seems to like playing the piano alot. He is sounding great on his trumpet. His Christmas concert is on Wednesday. Mckay is really doing alot of cute things for a little girl in his kindergarten class. Right now he is writing her a note asking her if she likes garlic powder. Ha ha ha. It is because he wants to share a pizza he made tonight cause he told us that Maddie likes the same things he does......maybe he just wanted to be sure. hehehe He has been busy all day long making things for her. A puzzle that he drew and cut out and he lost it so now he is writing her a note to apologize that he can't bring it and that he will try to find it. this is tons of fun.

silence

in thinking about the gifts of silence I made this interesting discovery. Think of the times and places where silence is important to hearing, understanding and knowing. At a symphony, if there were no silence there could be no distinction between instruments. Meaning would be lost. Think of the emotion or story that is conveyed when you hear the solitary sound of a bell against a backdrop of silence. Even when several instruments play at the same time, our ears manipulate silence to 'pick out' certain sounds by using the silence in our heads to soften the surrounding sounds. In that way silence is malleable and personally useable.

chickens and awesome poetry

so Mckay found the first eggs layed by the chickens. We put a light in their coop and it helped lengthen the days for them and sure enough they have started laying. Today Mckay told them that they sure are doing a good job laying eggs. It is so much fun to open the nesting box and get the eggs. Chickens like to eat snow. They are fun to watch. We have several passers-by who stop to watch the chickens on their walk through the alley. There are still 2 that haven't started laying yet, it wont be long though I'm sure.

I wanted to record some poetry that I wrote today. I have been working very pointedly to find a way to let my body grieve through its responses to the past. Ironically, today is the 32nd anniversary of one return from a time of critical mass. It is amazing that I am better able to navigate the journey of self awareness. This poetry expresses a tender awakening to that ability within me.

I listened to myself
I heard the cry
I felt the silence of the night
Wrap the sound up tight.
I could not stop the burglary
For I didn't know I owned.
I watched with saddened eyes
The stealing
And now
The silence is revealing,
Slowly loosening its treasures
Of the girl
I used to know.


Love,
Where are you now?
You look funny all wrinkled
From the crinkled way you lay
Hiding there,
Until I could come again
Older and wiser
Seeking
For the girl
I used to know.


I didn't speak in words
Muted sounds were all I made
Not hardly loud enough
For anyone to hear.
There would be no rescuers
That night,
Nor
The next.
I would
Come to speak in words
In very LOUD sounds
Hardly soft enough
For anyone not to hear.
Though many came to rescue
Showing brave and kind intent,
There would be no rescue
That night,
Nor
The next.
Not
Until
Silence--
With her knowing,
Nimble
Fingers
Release me
To
Myself


Mother! You
Are the silence
That surrounds me!
You are
Eternally
There!
You come
In winters snows
You come
In summers rain
You beckon me to listen
As your whispers
Ease the pain.

This poetry has opened the door to a way for me to grieve productively. I get chills reading it again. Behind these words a fountain of pure emotion has waited patiently for its release.

crisis of faith

this post is open to all, but mostly for my older kids. Lindsay called to ask Greg his spin on my recent posts and my feelings about membership in the LDS church. I have been thinking for quite some time and want to say a few things.

First of all, these past two years feel like growing years for me. I feel very changed in matters of the heart. I have begun to see the world of questioning with new respect. I have always had questions but I have become more aware of how I feel when these questions arise and have learned to avoid feeling guilt on one extreme and feeling compelled to any action or inaction on the other extreme. I don't think I would ever have chosen to engage myself in learning about the social, emotional and religious complexities of LGBT issues had I not had the opportunity given to me through my sweet Elaine. But I want her to know I wouldn't have it any other way. I am proud of her for working her way through this challenge. There have been huge sorrows and setbacks but she has faced each unexpected turn with faith that she can and will do her best to do right. I have tried to live true and faithful to the religious commitments that I have made. I have struggled with my feelings as you can sense in nearly all posts for the last year.

It has not been hard at all to love Elaine and other LGBT friends and family members, but in realizing that if I am asked to disagree with her choice of lifelong companion I cannot find a place like that anywhere in my heart. Temple worthiness is ultimately a personal decision, and I was beginning to worry that my inability to 'hate the sin' might fall under the category of apostate. I needed to have a temple recommend interview anyway, because I had recently lost my wallet and my temple recommend. In the interview, I told my stake president that I'm not sure how I feel about the church's stance on LGBT issues, but that I felt it would be helpful to go to the temple with the intention of seeking peace on the issue. So I was given the opportunity to do that. After I finished the session I headed to the cafeteria. Someone, (not saying who) must have a sense of humor because the only sandwich left was a crab salad sandwich. As I ate my lunch, I noticed that on each table was a quote by President Thomas S. Monson that read something like this...The Lord in his infinite compassion gave us temples so that we would have the peace that surpasseth understanding.

I felt something very good come from that. So for now, I will maintain my membership in the church and I will no longer be afraid to say I don't know, when I really don't know. I will not allow hate or fear to motivate me to action or inaction. I will always keep my heart open to peace and opportunity, because I want to work towards and I hope to live to see the day where we as a society complete this particular growth process of change and inclusion of anyone marginalized by that society. There is a place for everyone. My membership in the church is not as important to me as feeling that I am living as close to truth as I possibly can. If that happens to find me outside of the church one day, I am not going to worry about that. I know I could find and do much necessary good in that path as well.

If this doesn't make you feel secure as to where I stand, maybe it will help to understand that I have decided that my question is not about staying in or leaving the church, but rather how will I keep working for the love and inclusion of LGBT people and not being afraid of what that may require. In the meantime, trying not to be so crabby, cause well, it gave me very bad breath....and Greg didn't like that very much. haha