knowing

So I have been looking at parts of this earthly experience through gender, age, religion, nationality, disability, financial and authority status glasses. In response, somedays I rush to fill my head with one more perspective, one more story. I use these to make a collective collage of thoughts that could finally express and make sense of how I feel. I realize that perspective resources are as vast and numerous as the sands of the sea. With any creativity on my part, it seems, that something could be built. A sand castle of thoughts and perspectives. No matter what results from this creative gathering, the sea still rises and washes over this creation reminding me...the teaching pulse of the sea, the gifts of the shore, combined with the relentless whining, hoping, struggling to create. Giving pause, I rest, willing to experience differently.

Why do I deny what is, by thinking so hard that I'm not? If truth gives me anything, it is gravity. Which keeps me from floating away before I learn the principles of rocketry.

I begin to feel the texture and coolness of the sand against my skin...

healing
from the shattering consequences of abuse.

I found this article on the church's website. I read it from somewhat of a unique perspective. One that I certainly haven't thought of until now. Over the past 32 years I have had the opportunity and blessing (yes, I meant blessing) of healing from the shattering consequnces of sexual abuse. This article is not unlike other articles I read in my earlier days of beginning my healing journey. Words of guidance and comfort had a profound effect on my desire to keep living. The nugget of which was the counsel not to let abuse define who I am.

Fast forward to 2010. Through listening, reading, and observing the lives of individuals who realize that they are attracted to the same-gender and would totally prefer to mate with a person of their same gender. You would have to live under a rock (which I did for a while) not to realize the influence society and religion have on an individuals ability to permit themselves to mate according to their emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical attractions.

I read this article, considering it to be, for a moment, an act of sexual abuse for a religious leader to tell a same-gender attracted person, from childhood, that any sexual activity within a same gender relationship is sin.

It just turns my heart another revolution (hopefully towards more love and light) to accept that for some, their experience with this particular doctrine mirrors my experience with abuse. Harder though, to be given the hope of healing by those who are also capable of abuse, and who also need to feel accepted for who they are. We are all in this together, so I'm okay that everyone has a lesson or two to learn.

amen

i found this beautiful expression of love today. I decided to take the liberty of re-posting it, only on my blog. it was written by a famous poet. i love you elaine, i hope you don't mind.....


The Other

l'Autre
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Belonging

I stopped saying, "Amen"
when others prayed.

I felt I no longer quite belonged.

But I still visited others,
I couldn't shut them out.
We played Canasta,
My sister comforted me
when I cried
and took me outside
to see the beauty
of the world
was still there.

Perhaps I could say "Amen" to that.

But I wasn't quite ready.
I had to struggle more,
finding each day who I was.
I had to find who I loved,
why I loved, how I loved.

I was thankful for so much, every day.

My mother began, when I was there
around a table with family
to ask me what I was thankful for,
then each person around the table
would also share their gratitude,
before doing it "their way,"
choosing someone to pray.

It no longer feels like
"your way" or "my way,"
like closed or open,
like right or true.
Lately, if feels more like love.

I am slowly re-learning
how to say, "Amen."

Posted by Elaine at 12:39 AM

so in this tuesday night group we talked about 'getting on different buses' the visual is standing at a bus stop and one comes up and you get on. The buses are sets of thoughts that you entertain that are self defeating or distracting you from enjoying what is going on in the present. The goal is to be aware of the buses but to stop getting on them. Or once you find you are on one to get off and not get on any more. Well......after a couple of days of talking with Greg about the bus thing and noticing how many times I get on in one day, I felt pretty worn out. I came to the conclusion that I have a slick transfer system. Once I find myself on one bus, instead of getting off the system I simply transfer to another bus. We discovered that Greg has a predictable bus route as well. So we talked about that and how our bus rides keep us from accepting, enjoying and focusing on our relationship and taking care of ourselves.

Luckily, Elaine and Kristen took the kids on an overnighter and day long stay at their home. We were then able to have a couple of really important break through moments to feel the present and let it be and work with it and let our feelings teach us important things about ourselves that we have not been able to hear. Together we discovered some important ways to help eachother grieve some significant things. These were important moments together. I think we are both feeling that change is always within reach.

Another important visual is that each of us has been given a plate of delicious food to eat. We set it on our lap and proceed to get on different buses instead of sitting and enjoying what we have been given. When we look again for the food it is gone.

its been crazy around here. But the funnest part has been having my sister Mary's kids here and enjoying their sweet personalities. Wow. Little girls just sneak in and make my heart happy. So just about every day they played in the bathtub and they were super at entertaining themselves and they were very complimentary about all the snacks we made to eat saying thank you so much and how much they loved all the yummy things. sooo cute. they loved playing pretend. It was awesome. Shannon and Mckay loved checking on the chickens for eggs. and they found a couple. shannon called me aunt em the whole time and made me smile for how sweet and articulate she is. Kimberly is such a cutie pie. she loves her big sister shannon and will do anything to stand up for her. she was always sharing and if shannon got in trouble for trying to grab something from Kim, Kimber would feel sorry that shannon got a lecture and hand over whatever it was she was playing with. Little bit was sooo cute. she was so calm and mellow and she loved attention but she loved her mommy best. her hair is so curly and cute. she was tons of fun to have around.

the crazy part is in the middle of such wonderful things I feel like I am living on the edge of mental weirdness. soo I joined a group and got an assignment to create a grief ritual for myself. I've never done that before so all I could think of was to read that poem I wrote a couple of entries back. But tonight I went to a class at the church given by a physical therapist and she talked about keeping our bodies in motion. We learned some tai chi and I realized this could be another possibility for coping with post traumatic stress. I'll let you know how it goes.

I came across this scripture today

It may be hard to see that at times, but hold on a little longer, for “eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” and wait for Him (1 Corinthians 2:9; see also D&C 76:10; 133:45)

I haven't quite decided what it means to me. I just wanted to write it down so I could remember it. I know what I want it to mean, but I realize that the author gets the final say and since I don't know if really I know the author I will have to be satisfied to let this one influence me in a less assumptive way. Is assumptive a word? Anyway I hope the scripture means what it says cause it opens up the possibilities but the point is not to speculate on what those specific things would be but rather focus on loving/knowing God. (and waiting) So, in that light here is a question. would you still love God if He were a She, or had a different color of skin than you or if he had lived a life on an earth much in the same way as Hitler lived his mortal life. would that matter to your willingness to love him if there were say a few hundred eons between God's actions or mortal circumstances in his mortal life and who He is and what his circumstances are now? The only way I can answer these questions about what it takes to love someone, I have to ask a few more questions that have to do with forgiveness. If I live a mortal life of degredation, and deceit could I forgive myself enough to allow myself to overcome those weaknesses over a period of a few eons and see myself as whole and free of unloving characteristics...........this could lead to other questions, but for now I just want to focus on feeling for a while. Maybe then a few thoughts will come. Maybe not. I am slowly learning that thinking and feeling are equally important skills to have. And slowly learning that I lack on the feeling end of things. So to give a little twist to winnie the pooh.....feel feel feel feel.