gardening

spent the day gardening. Greg picked up some plastic sheeting and we made a temporary greenhouse to start some early planting. we received a pickup load of horse manure mixed with sawdust and also a load of straw. so i went to work spreading the stuff. Lasagne style. The cute thing about this was mckay. He stayed outside with me and made a ring toss game out of a piece of cardboard he begged off me. (one of my garden layers was cardboard) once he got me to give him a small piece he was so thrilled and then came back and asked if I would cut 4 circles from it for him. then the circles needed holes and it evolved from there. At one point I realized he snitched the steak knife I had in my pocket for cutting cardboard to fit around the tulip bulbs. He stole it to make his own game pieces out of the cardboard. Okay, watching Mckay create all this fabulous stuff is just about the funnest thing. He is soooo into creating stuff. Saydi had ridden the trail-a-bike to home depot with Greg to get the plastic. she was so excited to go with him. Before they left Saydi and Mckay had been playing the most adorable games on the trampoline together. they got a big beach umbrella and brought out several dolls and wooden play food. then they let their imaginations take control and played out their stories while Greg and I made gardening plans. Chandler spent the day at play practice. he is a munchkin soldier in the wizard of Oz at his school. When Saydi and Greg returned, Greg set up the temporary greenhouse and I kept spreading straw and poop. Saydi asked for permission to watch more Emily Bear playing the piano on You tube and ended up watching a lot of the Ellen Degeneres shows too. I have to say, i love some of Ellens shows. She is a pretty funny lady. She had Emily Bear on her show playing piano and it was fabulous. Especially the one where Emily plays an original song she composed just for Ellen's wedding to another woman. I told Saydi i am so happy to see the possibility of gay people getting married and that in my youthful days you would rarely if ever have talked about, heard or seen of people doing that. I told her she is growing up in a very special time. She knows most religions consider gay marriage is wrong, but maybe if she grows up without being taught to judge, hate or fear gays there will be opportunities for her to lead out in loving and inclusive ways so that gays can feel welcome and loved within their faith communities. I wish that for her, Mckay and Chandler. They live in an exciting time.

Anyway, after the sun went down and the days work was accomplished, mckay saydi and I walked to whole foods in downtown sugarhouse to get some soap and some treats. I so enjoyed walking with them. they took turns telling me things all the way there. We got a sample snack of stinky cheese. They are both cheese connisouers. For their treat they each chose a dollar loaf of crusty french bread. Mckay was buying his own stuff so he was on the look out for something cheap and he remembered those baby loaves are only a dollar so he was excited to get that (he even chose to put back the icecream bar he had chosen first). Saydi also loves bread so she got one too. On the way home i gave Saydi a piggy back ride. Saydi carried the backpack on her back and i carried her on my back. we had fun laughing cause we were so top heavy. i had to bend over and felt like a turtle. They got thirsty but they chose to break and eat pieces of an orange instead of getting a slurpee at the sev. They are both easily talked down from sugary colored junk food, but mckay was regretting it i could tell. He really would have enjoyed the slurpee. I am proud of them for sticking to it. They are very health food conscious and conspicuous consumerism conscious. At home greg had made baked potato fries for us and then we listened to a couple of songs by David Wilcox and then we talked a little bit about prayer and what it means to us and then we went to bed.

As one who struggles daily......I just want to see if i can accomplish something good by writing a bit of my processing process. because one day, it will be less important for me to feel it and be thinking about it because i will have moved through it and then, then, how will my children know that i ever had any problems to solve.....(well, they lived with me so they know i had problems) but i also want them to know that i accepted the challenge of understanding my problems without taking my problems personally. Ideally, I think of myself as separate from my problems. that is the first helpful thing, but it is not always what I choose. i also find it helpful to remember that i can choose how and when to deal with my problems. that way, when i feel overwhelmed with the problems that my problems cause i can remember that it would be easier to work on the problem if i simply start with awareness. kind of like a baby in the first two years of its life......doing alot of listening and being aware before speaking.

Anyway, at this point in my life I am seeing the effects of the way my brain learned to connect to others from experiencing the parental abuse that I suffered in my teens. In wanting to stop the chain of abuse from filtering on down the line, I have struggled dearly to learn more about healthy parenting and what it means to communicate coherently. Our family is a blended family and we have just begun to attend a 6 week program on what it takes to have a successful step family.

At the same time I am reading a book called insightful parenting. It is a little difficult for me to understand and follow completely but it is providing some light at the end of what feels like a very long and dark tunnel. I am just finishing up a section about how the brain functions as our social processing center. How attachments are made to our primary caregiver and how our brain uses that same pattern to construct future attachments to significant people in our lives......

When the brain makes different attachments it makes for different communication patterns. Here is a table showing the patterns of attachment.

Category of attachment/Parental Interactive pattern

Secure/Emotionally available, perceptive, responsive

Insecure-avoidant/Emotionally unavailable, imperceptive,
unresponsive; and rejecting

Insecure-anxious,ambivalent/Inconsistently available, perceptive, and
responsive; and intrusive

Insecure-disorganized/Frightening, frightened, disorienting,
alarming

Anyway, just trying to be aware. i think my kids and spouses and probably siblings have felt me use various combinations of these attachment models at different times. I know I can be very unpredictable. Add PMS to the mix and you have a nice cocktail for disaster. I am trying to understand the attachment models that my brain learned when i was a kid. There was definitely some of all of this going on between me and my parents and especially during the abuse i attached to my father according to the disorganized model, but with a strong dose of the ambivalent model as well. I attached to my step mother with the ambivalent and avoidant model. My mother attached mostly anxiously/ambivalently with brief windows of the secure model, but then windows of the disorganized model too.

Nice. At least its out there where I can try to understand it.

A gay child's burden

I didn't take the time to care, to understand the burden
I let the ticking of my time march me on toward heaven
Til on the way I noticed, a child quite out of place
a heavy burden at her feet and fear upon her face.
Oh no, not fear
She's just a selfish child, unready for lifes burdens
I barely paused as I rushed by without a word of comfort

It was but time for me to think, and as I did, I knew
In language that speaks to the heart, I knew what I must do
That child, and more just like her, would walk along the way
Hearing naught but whispers, hushed tones laced with pity
Oh no, not gay
Does not exist and if it does, it won't........I see.
She knows the rhetoric. I'll try to understand her burden and listen lovingly.

Musical Medicine

I was just wishing that I could find some songs with meaningful words to the issues I feel I am thinking about. And somehow Greg tripped over this artist. I couldn't figure out why he sounded so familiar until I listened to a few songs and realized that his style and voice is alot like Raffi. And I love Raffi. This is Raffi for adults. Greg told me that David was raised by parents who decided to raise their children without any traditions at all. They both felt that the traditions they had been raised with had gotten to a point where they had lost their value and meaning, so they tried something different with their kids. Well, David said it helped him when he got older and felt like something was missing, that when he went searching he was able to connect with a fun God rather than a mean God. He is Christian, but we don't know what particular faith. He is from Asheville North Carolina. Was born in 1958, and has been writing songs and singing since he was 30. He does monthly/some weekly concerts. He will be in Idaho in October. His music is fabulous. He sings about very pertinent issues from religious intolerance to how to have a happy marriage. Like you have never heard before but felt in your heart all along. There just weren't words to express it until David wrote them.........I really wish I knew how to set his music up on my blog. I need you Lindsay!!!!! Anyway, take some time to listen and let me know what you think.
http://davidwilcox.com/index.php?page=cds&category=01--MUSICAL_MEDICINE

subbing

I've been substitute teaching at the elementary school. Today I was a roving sub, meaning I went to about 5 different classes for 30 minutes each, while the teachers went to inservice meetings. I really enjoyed that way of subbing. It gave me more opportunity to meet and interact with a wider range and age of kids. I knew at least one child in each class, which made it fun. I got to sub in Saydi's class. That was great!!

Another thing on my mind is something Lindsay said when I was telling her how I wish there were certain resources for processing my experiences with LGBT issues and she said, Mom, maybe you are supposed to create those resources. I have thought it over and decided there is something to that. I know there are some great resources out there, but I hesitate involving myself in any one thing because of the religious and politically charged energy that goes into maintaining any one position. It is the practice, the application, the how of love and openess that interests me. I want to do that. For me, important social issues, are reminders given to show that love is not defined by outward appearances. To give us something with which to perfect our awareness. The universe repeatedly offers these courses in love, these opportunities, over and over.

I have a few ideas of what I would love to take an active role in doing. One idea is from a wonderful mentor and mormon friend, Carol Lynn Pearson. She has suggested that we reach out to each other and listen to each others story, experiences with LGBT issues. And that we start within ourselves, our families, our neighborhood and go out from there. Allowing ourselves to listen and love. That we do this especially within our religious communities. This position was echoed by Emma Lou Thayne, another wonderful mentor and mormon woman.

Before one year ago, I only knew one or two individuals and their families having experienced LGBT/religious issues. Alan, (my cousin) and his partner Mike, and Robert (greg's cousin). Since then, I know Elaine(my daughter) and her partner Kristen, Johann (Greg's son), Liz(my childhood friend) and her partner Nan, John (my neighbor), Gloria (6th grade teacher at our school), Lee (my therapist), Jamie (my friend), Cass (my friend), Caspian (my friend), Eric (my friend), Tim and Craig (my friends), A sister of two of my friends from church, A sister of my gospel doctrine teacher, Sara and Scott (blogging friends). So about 21 people and their families. These are people from my closest inner circle. (There are so many more that are now in my circle of knowledge). For now, my book could include a story from about 100 individuals (the 21, and their families).....if each one wanted to share their story with me. I think I will work on compiling that book. It actually sounds exciting!!

Yes!!!

http://www.sltrib.com/ci_14336708?source=most_viewed

yes, yes, yes, yes!! information I can appreciate. my favorite quote in this article is "this is the church I know and love".........my other favorite quote was about 2 kinds of mormons....those who know and love gay people and those who don't know that they know and love gay people!!!

I would love, love, love, to see more church members take this step to heal the rift......just by listening. imagine it.