Welcome

I wanted to repost this welcome to some recently invited people to this post. Welcome to our circle of wagons. I hope you find that this is a circle big enough to love you. Our goal is to move safely together on a journey of discovery. To learn in faith to love ourselves so that we might more fully love each other. That through love, we come to know that heaven is within each of us.

We heard House Representative Christine Johnson speak tonight. she spoke about the progress on the non-discrimination laws. Listening to her helps me put even more pieces into perspective. I realize how I am my own worst enemy. Keeping myself worried and fearful that I truly care about LGBT issues. She is an example of earned security. She seems very authentic and true to herself. She has helped to demystify the perceptions some people have about LGBT people. LGBT people have been very fortunate to have her in the senate working on equality for all. She encouraged me to get involved in developing peer relationships with leaders and lawmakers which can continue to help demystify perceptions. I think I need to understand more about what the perceptions are and where they originate. I also want to understand the high school scene. I want to know how the younger kids are dealing with these issues. After the meeting, we were really happy to meet a graduate student from BYU who shared a little of his coming out at BYU with us. He is not in a relationship with anyone and desires to stay in the church. He said in coming out he was received with alot of support and love from friends, as well as his Bishop and honor code officials at BYU. It was heartening to hear his story. We laughed and smiled alot while we realize this is just the beginning for him, we know he will have much more difficult things to face as his life offers its opportunities. hopefully we can keep in touch with him. He was very cute......he was telling us how he wishes we could meet his mom!! My mommy heart gets all protective cause his heart and countenance is happy and sweet right now. I hope he will have the rights, opportunities and honest support that he needs to keep it that way. This is the kind of stuff that gets my brain and heart wanting so much to get it right. I don't want to hear of one more suicide from these dear people. If I can do something to speak up that will support them in feeling the love of God in their life, I want to do that. Same way I felt when I saw the kids in gold underpants at the pride parade last year. That put me in tears. Why would religious families go so far as to deny their children love, and listening and the promise that we will work on solutions together. why do we leave them to parade in their gold underwear to get our attention when all it would take is humility, faith and willingness on our part to hear a few things we may not think we want to hear, but once we do, the spirit will say something.

this one is gonna be ugly. I'll try to put it into poetry form so it isn't so difficult to bear.

my brain is jumbled when i try to pray
all i hear is the static between the channels.
no clear connection
paradox of life
when every dear belief
is methodically plucked away.
the beauty changes from its original form
still beautiful, but scattered
as rose petals
having been an extension of thought to one who only asks
am i loved, am i not, am i loved, am i not.......
can i love, can i not, can i love, can i not.......
are roses of more worth, either way?
or are they simply what they are
a tool of inspiration, a thought, consideration,
and repetitive emotion.
i see the hand of its creation
so why does my heart rage?

i saw her the other day
its been so many years
i thought the pain was all gone
just seeing her made my heart weep
a rose for her
a welcome to my heart
she is dragging out these heaps of baggage
oh crap,
how do i tell her
how do i tell her
that stuff is not going to fit in the car.
there she sits, distractedly nerdy Junie B. Jones type,
on top of this ridiculous heap of garbage
insisting that i must make it fit.
fallen rose petals slowly decorate the heap
around her feet with each
am i loved, am i not, am i loved, am i not.......
can i love, can i not, can i love, can i not......

she is there
but who is going to tell her
its you i like,
its you i like,
its not the garbage heap you sit on
its not the baggage that you bring
its you i like

I have been going through some difficult, painful rememberings. but oh so necessary to the restoration of wholeness.

My celebration

She had become invisible.
It took precise,
consistent effort over the years
To keep her hidden.
She waited patiently
Until solid walls
were replaced with small windows
and later
Doors that would,
As if by magic,
graciously open
and shut,
only too quickly
Before she could realize
What was intended.

Peace
She knew it was peace
Only because it felt
different
physically different
from fear.
She knew it had been fear
Only because it felt different
physically different
from peace.

They came as if on sunbeams,
Lovely, fairy-like creatures
Joining her.
They would hide with her
And play,
Bringing flowers.
Begging her to teach them
a new game.
Nothing boring would do.

The mirror still held no reflection.
Night brought rememberings of pain.
She lashed out at the tiny creatures
When they would ask to play
She placed them in a corner
Until she could no longer hold a frown
For the love that they inspired.
And once more
She considered the meaning of
The door.

This time she opened it
Deliberate in hope
Willing, even
Without mirrored reflection.
Telling only of fear and peace
Not knowing
How love would respond.
For a time
The room was flooded with light
though darkened corners held the secrets
still.

The creatures come and go now,
Quieting the days
Until their returns
To fill the empty room
With silly pranks
And loving laughter
Still peace.
So,
Safe now,
She could speak.

More intensely
at the comings and goings.
Grieving,
Weeping,
Telling,
Letting Go,
Receiving the embrace
Of a kind and gentle heart
Hers,
Reflected in his face.

We didn't know what peace could bring
from depths unknown until
awakened from the sleepy dream
to love clearly reflected

so I'll be subbing all next week for one of the kindergarten classes. I subbed on friday for the ELP kindergarten (advanced kids). I learned a lot. Like the need for having a discipline strategy. I keep worrying that the kids will end up hating me because I make them cry when they think I called them out unfairly. Oh boy, one of the kids moms was there to help me all day. I don't know if the kids would have survived without her. I just kept thinking I was so glad that Mckay is not in this class because they were doing some pretty hard work. Not that he couldn't do it, but it seemed like torture to make a 5 year old do that kind of work. Arg!! I think they are doing a first grade curriculum. So, next week I am going to be prepared to make sure the kids get some times to move around and that I have a better discipline strategy. I do enjoy being with the kids but I am thinking I would probably be a better clown or something rather than an authority figure. i just keep getting tempted to join the kids in crawling like a spider all over the room. i love hearing kids laugh and have fun. That just wasn't happening on friday.....until I read a book, but we didn't have enough time to finish reading it. I'd probably be a better activity leader than a school teacher, I'm too much of a goofball.

So Greg showed me the Mr. Diety clips and now I am having too much fun in church looking for material. hehe. I have so been needing to have a reprieve of the too serious nature that church encourages in me. I know other friends who have fun in church by singing the songs operatically and strategically sitting on either side of one family member to purposefully torture them with their singing. That lady came from a family of 12 kids and she says they have fun without being dysfunctional about it. haha. too bad, i think I probably have dysfunctional fun. At least today it was fast and testimony meeting. I enjoyed it a lot because i took notes. I tried to get a feeling of the main emotion behind each persons thoughts and feelings. I also tried to get an accurate picture of what inspires people to say they know that God lives and that the church is true. On a functional note, I noticed that I really enjoyed the messages and learned a few things about each person. On the other hand there was plenty to laugh and wonder about. Laughing is actually helping me feel happier and more at ease. Amazing huh? The best one today was in primary. i was playing the piano so i am in there when they give sharing time lessons. They introduced the new monthly theme of Prophets. The leader asked the kids how they think God can talk to us and tell us important things. She asked, does he have a huge megaphone that he calls us from heaven and yells 'hey, listen to me?'. nope, he has never done that and he never will, except for one time and one time only, and that will be at the end of the world.

all is well

Can i just say that I love finding out that the more I notice, the more I find that i know and love more LGBT people. So since my last post I have discovered another friend from my high school days. When I saw his blog I was thrilled!! http://thesetwodadsrock.blogspot.com/ He is also a competitive dancer and is going to Orlando this weekend. He and his partner have been together for 9 years. Family is obviously very important to them. His parents raised him well. He spent his growing up years in Yost, Utah. Bet ya can't even find that on the map. haha. Anyway, I am hoping he will be able to share his story for my book.

Two other happy things, my cousin Pam Meyers (I want to get a copy of her story too) told me an exciting story of love about her mother in laws friend who is trans. Pam also expressed heartfelt feelings of love and wishes that we could talk more openly in religious circles without fear. I am so impressed by that. I have been wondering if I would have to leave the church to find open discussion for my thoughts and feelings, so it is wonderful to hear that others who stay are feeling similar things too. And the other cool thing was my cousin Alan who posted his wedding pictures and when I saw the picture of my uncle (who was obviously giving a speech) I wished so much that I could have heard that talk. Alan told me later that he wished they had recorded it because he spoke of the need for love and understanding on both sides and creating a middle ground.

And now, DC just passed a gay-marriage law. These are exciting times. I am thrilled to be part of this history. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/03/AR2010030300654.html