Don't really wanna write another post. but gonna anyway. i am attempting a change in my eating habits. trying to look at food for fuel. mildly vegetarian diet. we will see. Prolly a little meat here and there. my clothes definitely fit better already. i feel better. i have eaten a couple of sweet things (licorice taffy and a cupcake) and can tell immediately that they aren't happy choices. i can feel the immediate energy suck. being aware of this is a good thing. i feel more in touch with what is going on for me on the physical level. How about emotions and food? Well that is big for me. I feel its possible that i am now going through withdrawls emotionally because i used to eat to avoid dealing head on with emotional opportunities. So feeling a little overwhelmed there. got a little time alone though while Greg and others are out swimming. i probably would do better swimming, but feeling like i am needing a little space to understand these changes in how I have processed emotions.

I did enjoy the PTA luncheon. I loved the opportunity to talk with the other board members. Only one of which is Male and he is the principal of the school. I would like to see an equal division of members according to gender.I did read a write up in the Trib about someone address given to students at BYU, about men being more involved in PTA. I found the conclusive remarks clearly on the sexist side, but the topic is very timely. I will be on next years PTA board and hope to do my part in creating a gender equal PTA.

Another thing on my mind is a gender equal religious/spiritual leadership. Some days I feel sad that I have a greater awareness of gender inequality. Some days I feel angry that I have a greater awareness of gender inequality. Some days I feel the sun shining through and I am thankful for this awareness. Some days I want to move on and realize that moving on usually only means willingness to be aware and accept the gifts and opportunities of another moment. For either I spend my moments hating what happened, what might happen, or what is happening or I give my will to the moment and receive it for what it is. Presence is my gift to this moment. Further, the realization that my presence can define any given moment (for myself or for others) scares me. I'm not eager stepping up to that part of awareness. Avoidance and fear seem to give me temporary release from accepting my part in defining the moment, but, sigh, there is no sustainable way to hide the fact that I am just as much a part of any given moment as anyone or anything. So life asks of me my presence and my willingness to share the defining moments with others. Taking turns at defining. Taking turns at sharing space. Bowing and bending, harmonizing with fellow moment artisans. Like some big street jam. And the guys who are stuck in the fighting and confusion, you just keep harmonizing with the fearful cries until it is realized that we are all one melody.

I know this may sound weird, but if I was not taught gender equality by those who taught me of Heavenly Parents, and I know what it would mean to me to have both a father and mothers nightly interview, then perhaps the message is that gender inequality is a social construct. It is not a principle of love. If the only connection I have to a Heavenly mother is that I am also female then I am as much a part of her as she is of me. Maybe I could develop the leadership and loving abilities of a Mother in Heaven in a way that could bring an awareness of her back into our social and religious context. I feel like a little girl who is crying for her mother's comfort and the only comfort she gets is her fathers hands repeatedly reaching out, being placed on her head, blessing her, baptizing her, sealing her to her husband, counseling with her, interviewing her, a girl who is repeatedly asking for her mother and repeatedly being denied. This blows my mind to consider. darnit. I really love the LDS faith. I want this families together thing to work out. I just don't understand the helpfulness of focusing on Fathers as visible leaders and mothers as invisible leaders. Why are we singing praises weekly, offering daily and moment by moment prayers to our father and not our heavenly mother? But in our earthly families, we would never exclude our mother in that way. I'm just thinking. Hopefully I'm not bothering anyone by that.

reprieve
sometimes it feels like life gives reprieve from that which weighs heavy. perhaps in the form of strengthened muscles rather than less to bear. Nonetheless it can offer rest. in chatting with some friends at the library downtown, i tasted the fruits of having faith in love and life. nothing is perfect, and yet it really is. For all the gifts my life has given me, honest friends who are willing to shape and form their experiences into words for sharing. Imperfect words, incomplete sentences, unfinished paragraphs, perfectly shared. The sharing, perfects the words. Resulting in meaning deeply felt and heard. Honor, love, respect are the fruitful results of such social intercourse. Desire to share again, is ever present for who would not want to return to the bountiful garden once its live-giving gifts are discovered and enjoyed. Perhaps our meeting was a bit like experiencing the potential of Mary's garden in 'The Secret Garden'. Or as Ansel Adams conveyance of the stunning beauty and natural art of the wilderness. Who would not want the hope of having a bit of earth to tend. Or knowing that through ones deliberate act to respect and protect, one would then be given a lifetime to explore the pristine wilderness of the soul that dwells in each and every heart. I want to thank my family and friends for gathering in a way that these gifts of the soul could be shared.........and I can't wait to hear more. Love you guys.