Lets Faith It

2010-09-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a couple of months. Hope everyone is still there and not starving for information. It's been a weird couple of months. I joined the mormonstories forum and that has taken much of my attention away from this blog. however, I am ready to come back and invite my readers to consider being a part of a research project I am trying to put together. I am going to send this request out to facebook friends too and hope to hear back some responses.

Hi Everyone,

I am doing a research paper exploring the topic of societal, cultural, family and religious attitudes towards homosexuality. I am working to build bridges of understanding between individuals, families, communities and religions who desire to come together and understand these issues within a framework of love and respect for others differences. I was wondering if you would be willing to share your feelings or relevant stories about this subject. I am most interested in how this issue has affected and or is playing out in your personal, family, friend, work and religious relationships. Please do not feel you have to align your opinions/attitudes with any certain individual or organization or to any particular standard.

While it is perfectly acceptable if you do share opinions and attitudes that are espoused by certain others/organizations, please share as much of your own personal feelings and experiences as possible. I would ask that you tell your story with respect and dignity, refrain from using any derogatory, threatening or accusing language.

I recognize this issue is dealing with potentially personal, deeply held emotional, and religious feelings and attitudes. Your privacy is important to me. Your responses are confidential. Please note in your response if you give me permission to share your stories with others, or if you would like to be notified before I share any or part of your stories, or if you would like your response to remain confidential.

thank you in advance for your thoughtful consideration.

couple of thoughts

2010-07-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

So much of my 'knowing the church was true' was based on feeling rather than evaluating all of the physical historical evidence. I still don't worry too much about searching out every piece of physical evidence. It would be nice to know that all pertinent evidence was available to study, as it seems duplicitous to white wash our history and tell it how it isn't.

As far as my feelings of knowing truth. Spiritually speaking, I interpret the meaning of 'the church' to be the body of Christ. To me this means each and every member of the human family is a member of the church. LDS church members could quite possibly comprise the head of that body, but a head is just not effective without the body. At least last time I checked, they still had to be connected and communicate with eachother to get anything accomplished. We need our connection to all people. In this light, I can say wholeheartedly, that I belong to the church of Jesus Christ, because I belong to humanity. On the other hand, if i am saying that I am a possesion of the coorporation of the President, then yeah, that isn't how i see it. I am more than happy to say that because i was born into the LDS church it makes sense to stay put. There would still be work to do no matter what part of the body I am. It is possible I have more talents inolving the lower intestine, so there is a possiblity that my calling could change. For now, I just want to remember that i don't think i will ever want to stop trying to live a Christ-like life.

Title: John Lennon - Imagine

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

2010-06-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

i was able to attend the day long seminar with Arbinger institute and listen to James Ferrell explain how to apply the principles in his book 'Anatomy of peace' to creating civil discourse in politics. Now the twist is that he was presenting this seminar for the Sutherland Institute. A political lobbying think tank that espouses marriage between opposite sex partners and considers same sex-marriage a threat to the well-being of children.

I have read 'the Anatomy of Peace'. It's approach to human relationships seems in direct opposition to the approach I have witnessed taken by leaders of the Sutherland Institute. The main reason I wanted to attend was to observe the effect of the teaching on this particular group of people. I have read the book "Preserving Sacred Ground' written by the sutherland group. I felt their opinions about homosexuality were uninsightful, and it upset me to think of the effect any of their reasoning might have if it were actually used in communications with their children or friends who are same-sex attracted.

I was curious, so I attended. I received a copy of 'the anatomy of peace' and a small workbook. I sat down on a fairly empty row and had no plans to talk with anyone. i just wanted to observe mostly and take notes. Soon after the seminar began a couple came in and sat next to me. i noticed that the lady had on the same color shirt i had. Green shirt over a white shirt underneath. That became a conversation starter later, when they talked with me and invited me to eat lunch with them. Their names were JoAnn and Greg.

They became involved with the Sutherland Insitute at the same meeting I had. One and 1/2 years ago. At Thanksgiving Point when Sutherland presented their Sacred Ground speeches. I was attending with Elaine and a group of political opponents. Greg and JoAnn were attending in support of the views held by the Sutherland Group. At that time I was just beginning to listen to same sex people and their allies. I had not formed a political opinion and mostly went to observe the emotional and political climate.

I told Joann and Greg that i had felt upset by the opinions on homosexuality that were expressed in the Sacred Grounds book. Joann said she had felt upset by it as well and that she had talked with Sutherlands leader Paul Mero about changing the approach. With Pauls encouragement, she and her husband took the book home and divided it into equal chapters and invited their children and extended family members to study it with the intent of re-writing it to express a softer and more loving tone. Their version also includes research from Canada about the effect of same-sex marriages in the lives of children.

They listened to me talk about my experiences with Elaine coming out and then my becoming involved with the pride center, attending some of the classes on sexuality, and participating in the parent focus group research, and going to PFLAG meetings. Their comment was of appreciation in hearing a side of the issue that they had not considered before. They felt it was a blessing that we met. They wanted to hear my input on what they have written. I expressed interest in reading it. They expressed a heartfelt need and desire to create a safe place for people of any opinion to gather and be able to ask questions without creating so much tension that communication would be impossible. i agree very much with that. We talked about how questions on both sides can come across as bigoted, insensitive, hurtful, and demeaning all the while that not being the intention of the person asking the question. They had a couple of questions for me. One was how do you make sense of your eternal perspective of your family in light of your daughters lifestyle choice. (choice to have a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex). The other question was why can't gay people be satisfied just to live together. Why do they want or need a piece of paper that says they are married. They also expressed their opinion about the anti-discrimination laws. They are Landlords. They were upset that if they don't want to rent to a person who might come across or might act irresponsible and it just so happens that the person is gay then the argument would focus on their being gay rather than their irresponsibility.

I had a few comments to make, but I mostly felt that listening and showing interest in hearing their ideas was more important to convey. In reading these questions again i realize just how far I have come in a year and 1/2. I am quietly impressed that listening and creating relationships with others no matter what opinions we hold is the best way to create acceptance and understanding that reflects integrity and peace.

2010-06-02T11:28:00.001-07:00

I love hearing about non traditional families and champion thinking beyond tradition to maximize the potential of love.......

2010-05-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

Don't really wanna write another post. but gonna anyway. i am attempting a change in my eating habits. trying to look at food for fuel. mildly vegetarian diet. we will see. Prolly a little meat here and there. my clothes definitely fit better already. i feel better. i have eaten a couple of sweet things (licorice taffy and a cupcake) and can tell immediately that they aren't happy choices. i can feel the immediate energy suck. being aware of this is a good thing. i feel more in touch with what is going on for me on the physical level. How about emotions and food? Well that is big for me. I feel its possible that i am now going through withdrawls emotionally because i used to eat to avoid dealing head on with emotional opportunities. So feeling a little overwhelmed there. got a little time alone though while Greg and others are out swimming. i probably would do better swimming, but feeling like i am needing a little space to understand these changes in how I have processed emotions.

I did enjoy the PTA luncheon. I loved the opportunity to talk with the other board members. Only one of which is Male and he is the principal of the school. I would like to see an equal division of members according to gender.I did read a write up in the Trib about someone address given to students at BYU, about men being more involved in PTA. I found the conclusive remarks clearly on the sexist side, but the topic is very timely. I will be on next years PTA board and hope to do my part in creating a gender equal PTA.

Another thing on my mind is a gender equal religious/spiritual leadership. Some days I feel sad that I have a greater awareness of gender inequality. Some days I feel angry that I have a greater awareness of gender inequality. Some days I feel the sun shining through and I am thankful for this awareness. Some days I want to move on and realize that moving on usually only means willingness to be aware and accept the gifts and opportunities of another moment. For either I spend my moments hating what happened, what might happen, or what is happening or I give my will to the moment and receive it for what it is. Presence is my gift to this moment. Further, the realization that my presence can define any given moment (for myself or for others) scares me. I'm not eager stepping up to that part of awareness. Avoidance and fear seem to give me temporary release from accepting my part in defining the moment, but, sigh, there is no sustainable way to hide the fact that I am just as much a part of any given moment as anyone or anything. So life asks of me my presence and my willingness to share the defining moments with others. Taking turns at defining. Taking turns at sharing space. Bowing and bending, harmonizing with fellow moment artisans. Like some big street jam. And the guys who are stuck in the fighting and confusion, you just keep harmonizing with the fearful cries until it is realized that we are all one melody.

I know this may sound weird, but if I was not taught gender equality by those who taught me of Heavenly Parents, and I know what it would mean to me to have both a father and mothers nightly interview, then perhaps the message is that gender inequality is a social construct. It is not a principle of love. If the only connection I have to a Heavenly mother is that I am also female then I am as much a part of her as she is of me. Maybe I could develop the leadership and loving abilities of a Mother in Heaven in a way that could bring an awareness of her back into our social and religious context. I feel like a little girl who is crying for her mother's comfort and the only comfort she gets is her fathers hands repeatedly reaching out, being placed on her head, blessing her, baptizing her, sealing her to her husband, counseling with her, interviewing her, a girl who is repeatedly asking for her mother and repeatedly being denied. This blows my mind to consider. darnit. I really love the LDS faith. I want this families together thing to work out. I just don't understand the helpfulness of focusing on Fathers as visible leaders and mothers as invisible leaders. Why are we singing praises weekly, offering daily and moment by moment prayers to our father and not our heavenly mother? But in our earthly families, we would never exclude our mother in that way. I'm just thinking. Hopefully I'm not bothering anyone by that.

2010-05-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

reprieve
sometimes it feels like life gives reprieve from that which weighs heavy. perhaps in the form of strengthened muscles rather than less to bear. Nonetheless it can offer rest. in chatting with some friends at the library downtown, i tasted the fruits of having faith in love and life. nothing is perfect, and yet it really is. For all the gifts my life has given me, honest friends who are willing to shape and form their experiences into words for sharing. Imperfect words, incomplete sentences, unfinished paragraphs, perfectly shared. The sharing, perfects the words. Resulting in meaning deeply felt and heard. Honor, love, respect are the fruitful results of such social intercourse. Desire to share again, is ever present for who would not want to return to the bountiful garden once its live-giving gifts are discovered and enjoyed. Perhaps our meeting was a bit like experiencing the potential of Mary's garden in 'The Secret Garden'. Or as Ansel Adams conveyance of the stunning beauty and natural art of the wilderness. Who would not want the hope of having a bit of earth to tend. Or knowing that through ones deliberate act to respect and protect, one would then be given a lifetime to explore the pristine wilderness of the soul that dwells in each and every heart. I want to thank my family and friends for gathering in a way that these gifts of the soul could be shared.........and I can't wait to hear more. Love you guys.

2010-04-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

3 immortal presents
by Sri Chinmoy

I have received three immortal presents
On life's Christmas tree:
Detachment-bud
Concern-flower
Love-fruit.

With the bud I shall begin
My self-inquiry.
With the flower I shall achieve
My self-discovery.
With the fruit I shall enjoy
My self-mastery.

2010-04-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

by Sri Chinmoy

Because of its lack of wisdom,
A snake drinks milk
And emits poison.
Because of his vast wisdom,
A saint drinks poison
And offers milk.
This is wisdom in oneness,
Wisdom in perfection,
Wisdom in God-satisfaction.
All of us must act like a saint.

My ignorance thunders:
You are nothing, I am everything.
My knowledge declares:
You know something,
But I know much more.
My wisdom whispers:
You and I know nothing of everything
On earth,
And everything of nothing
In Heaven.

2010-04-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Just thinking of friends coming and going throughout my life. facebook has given me opportunities to reconnect with friends from the past, present and future........I kind of wanted to dedicate this page to some of my hopes and dreams. I want my friends and family to know that I do have hopes and dreams. with a bit of a wish for the heavenly things all tied up in there somewhere. sometimes I feel too much of what it means to hear weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth as a good part of my life is lived in a mental state much like the crazy woman in the story of Jane Eyre..... before i dwell on that too much, i want to say how nice it is to experience nature. outdoors. listening to the cheerful sounds of children making their own fun. trying to come up with the perfect approach to having important discussions with them about morals and values of respect, love and friendship. walking home from school, reading stories and bedtime, working together on chores, taking a walk outside are all great times to talk with the kids. so what about my hopes and dreams? All tied up in change. the most consistent thing about my life has been change. changing body, relationships, dwelling places, changing awareness. TBC

2010-04-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

learning something about things in the present that trigger remembering of stressful unresolved issues of the past. tonight i was taking my turn doing kitchen duty. i had a trigger moment so i went in the other room to talk with Greg. there is always this urgency to my voice when i have these moments. as we talked and listened it came down to realizing that i was reacting to a time when i was 20 years old. married, had a child, living with parents apart from husband who lived in another state. We had made decisions not to accrue any kind of debt whatsoever, and as a result I was left to live in an abusive situation (abuse was happening to me from my father) for another 14 months. At the time I believed my husband was responsible for providing a way for me to come live with him. I did consider my father another resource and asked several times for his help only to hear him say horrible things about my husbands inability to care for me and that i would be better off staying where i was. At the time those are the only choices I believed I had. Eventually, my husband found a way to pay for me to leave, but I never resolved the emotional stress that situation caused for me.........fast forward to today. I use certain situations in my life to recreate these feelings of being held hostage against my will and outside of my ability to do anything about it. I've pretty much been doing that for all these years. Situations have changed over the years but in all of them I have found some capacity to perpetuate essentially the same story. While it is embarrassing to realize the ridiculous lengths my mind and life has gone to perpetuate the hostage story, it is also a relief to realize and say that's what's been happening. The best thing i can do about it now is to first, weep. cry. accept the insanity of the abusive situation. and then say no more fooling around with it. Breathe and love. Let the love for myself come in and let the shame and guilt disappear like uninvited guests to my lifes party. I have hurt others in certain situations where I have used others and their lives to a certain point to recreate the story, for that I am truly regretful, but I have seen those people move on, some in very happy and productive ways. It is nice to finally feel the possibilities of that for myself.

2010-04-12T15:33:00.000-07:00

saw part of fiddler at hale center theatre. went with susan and came back at intermission. very powerful message there. about traditions. about following your heart. overcoming the social pressure to make decisions that are contrary to your hearts desire.....so, coming home from st. george. Spent the week relaxing with the younger two and taking care of Joseph. I spent some moments trying to notice the unsaid social expectations of men and womens roles. trying to notice if and when those expectations were apparent. (I am waiting for Elaine to lend me her book on sociolinguistics....the study of communications between people of different gender, age, social status, and ethnic background, etc.) i have to say that my awareness of LGBT issues has greatly expanded my ability to acknowledge the presence of a collective social conscious. that was something I rarely considered before. Now I have questions as to how and why societies decide to establish certain traditions.I also desire to understand more fully the history of social attitudes toward those things that differentiate us from eachother.

Lindsay asked me what profound lesson I learned during the week I was there. the cutest one I learned was how Joseph communicates his love and interest in the world and people around him. i loved it when was holding him and he would turn his head around and catch my eye and then look ahead again, but he kept doing it several times like he was playing peek-a-boo or something and had just the cutest little smile about it. soooo sweet. However.......by far the most profound and funniest was that I need to remember to take a hammer next time I go. The only place I could find for a private conversation with Greg was to go to Joseph's room after the kids were asleep. I totally forgot about the baby monitor. It is one of those things I will probably never forget or live down. ah well. I won't soon forget Greg's horrified scream when I told him that Lindsay just announced that the baby monitor was working a little too well! hahaha.

today was awesome to be subbing again. the kids were great! they tried really hard to do their best! It was really nice to walk home with Saydi. She usually complains on the way home, but we just talked and goofed around this time. it was fun!!

Welcome

2010-03-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

I wanted to repost this welcome to some recently invited people to this post. Welcome to our circle of wagons. I hope you find that this is a circle big enough to love you. Our goal is to move safely together on a journey of discovery. To learn in faith to love ourselves so that we might more fully love each other. That through love, we come to know that heaven is within each of us.

2010-03-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

We heard House Representative Christine Johnson speak tonight. she spoke about the progress on the non-discrimination laws. Listening to her helps me put even more pieces into perspective. I realize how I am my own worst enemy. Keeping myself worried and fearful that I truly care about LGBT issues. She is an example of earned security. She seems very authentic and true to herself. She has helped to demystify the perceptions some people have about LGBT people. LGBT people have been very fortunate to have her in the senate working on equality for all. She encouraged me to get involved in developing peer relationships with leaders and lawmakers which can continue to help demystify perceptions. I think I need to understand more about what the perceptions are and where they originate. I also want to understand the high school scene. I want to know how the younger kids are dealing with these issues. After the meeting, we were really happy to meet a graduate student from BYU who shared a little of his coming out at BYU with us. He is not in a relationship with anyone and desires to stay in the church. He said in coming out he was received with alot of support and love from friends, as well as his Bishop and honor code officials at BYU. It was heartening to hear his story. We laughed and smiled alot while we realize this is just the beginning for him, we know he will have much more difficult things to face as his life offers its opportunities. hopefully we can keep in touch with him. He was very cute......he was telling us how he wishes we could meet his mom!! My mommy heart gets all protective cause his heart and countenance is happy and sweet right now. I hope he will have the rights, opportunities and honest support that he needs to keep it that way. This is the kind of stuff that gets my brain and heart wanting so much to get it right. I don't want to hear of one more suicide from these dear people. If I can do something to speak up that will support them in feeling the love of God in their life, I want to do that. Same way I felt when I saw the kids in gold underpants at the pride parade last year. That put me in tears. Why would religious families go so far as to deny their children love, and listening and the promise that we will work on solutions together. why do we leave them to parade in their gold underwear to get our attention when all it would take is humility, faith and willingness on our part to hear a few things we may not think we want to hear, but once we do, the spirit will say something.

2010-03-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

this one is gonna be ugly. I'll try to put it into poetry form so it isn't so difficult to bear.

my brain is jumbled when i try to pray
all i hear is the static between the channels.
no clear connection
paradox of life
when every dear belief
is methodically plucked away.
the beauty changes from its original form
still beautiful, but scattered
as rose petals
having been an extension of thought to one who only asks
am i loved, am i not, am i loved, am i not.......
can i love, can i not, can i love, can i not.......
are roses of more worth, either way?
or are they simply what they are
a tool of inspiration, a thought, consideration,
and repetitive emotion.
i see the hand of its creation
so why does my heart rage?

i saw her the other day
its been so many years
i thought the pain was all gone
just seeing her made my heart weep
a rose for her
a welcome to my heart
she is dragging out these heaps of baggage
oh crap,
how do i tell her
how do i tell her
that stuff is not going to fit in the car.
there she sits, distractedly nerdy Junie B. Jones type,
on top of this ridiculous heap of garbage
insisting that i must make it fit.
fallen rose petals slowly decorate the heap
around her feet with each
am i loved, am i not, am i loved, am i not.......
can i love, can i not, can i love, can i not......

she is there
but who is going to tell her
its you i like,
its you i like,
its not the garbage heap you sit on
its not the baggage that you bring
its you i like

2010-03-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

I have been going through some difficult, painful rememberings. but oh so necessary to the restoration of wholeness.

My celebration

She had become invisible.
It took precise,
consistent effort over the years
To keep her hidden.
She waited patiently
Until solid walls
were replaced with small windows
and later
Doors that would,
As if by magic,
graciously open
and shut,
only too quickly
Before she could realize
What was intended.

Peace
She knew it was peace
Only because it felt
different
physically different
from fear.
She knew it had been fear
Only because it felt different
physically different
from peace.

They came as if on sunbeams,
Lovely, fairy-like creatures
Joining her.
They would hide with her
And play,
Bringing flowers.
Begging her to teach them
a new game.
Nothing boring would do.

The mirror still held no reflection.
Night brought rememberings of pain.
She lashed out at the tiny creatures
When they would ask to play
She placed them in a corner
Until she could no longer hold a frown
For the love that they inspired.
And once more
She considered the meaning of
The door.

This time she opened it
Deliberate in hope
Willing, even
Without mirrored reflection.
Telling only of fear and peace
Not knowing
How love would respond.
For a time
The room was flooded with light
though darkened corners held the secrets
still.

The creatures come and go now,
Quieting the days
Until their returns
To fill the empty room
With silly pranks
And loving laughter
Still peace.
So,
Safe now,
She could speak.

More intensely
at the comings and goings.
Grieving,
Weeping,
Telling,
Letting Go,
Receiving the embrace
Of a kind and gentle heart
Hers,
Reflected in his face.

We didn't know what peace could bring
from depths unknown until
awakened from the sleepy dream
to love clearly reflected

2010-03-07T19:03:00.000-08:00

so I'll be subbing all next week for one of the kindergarten classes. I subbed on friday for the ELP kindergarten (advanced kids). I learned a lot. Like the need for having a discipline strategy. I keep worrying that the kids will end up hating me because I make them cry when they think I called them out unfairly. Oh boy, one of the kids moms was there to help me all day. I don't know if the kids would have survived without her. I just kept thinking I was so glad that Mckay is not in this class because they were doing some pretty hard work. Not that he couldn't do it, but it seemed like torture to make a 5 year old do that kind of work. Arg!! I think they are doing a first grade curriculum. So, next week I am going to be prepared to make sure the kids get some times to move around and that I have a better discipline strategy. I do enjoy being with the kids but I am thinking I would probably be a better clown or something rather than an authority figure. i just keep getting tempted to join the kids in crawling like a spider all over the room. i love hearing kids laugh and have fun. That just wasn't happening on friday.....until I read a book, but we didn't have enough time to finish reading it. I'd probably be a better activity leader than a school teacher, I'm too much of a goofball.

So Greg showed me the Mr. Diety clips and now I am having too much fun in church looking for material. hehe. I have so been needing to have a reprieve of the too serious nature that church encourages in me. I know other friends who have fun in church by singing the songs operatically and strategically sitting on either side of one family member to purposefully torture them with their singing. That lady came from a family of 12 kids and she says they have fun without being dysfunctional about it. haha. too bad, i think I probably have dysfunctional fun. At least today it was fast and testimony meeting. I enjoyed it a lot because i took notes. I tried to get a feeling of the main emotion behind each persons thoughts and feelings. I also tried to get an accurate picture of what inspires people to say they know that God lives and that the church is true. On a functional note, I noticed that I really enjoyed the messages and learned a few things about each person. On the other hand there was plenty to laugh and wonder about. Laughing is actually helping me feel happier and more at ease. Amazing huh? The best one today was in primary. i was playing the piano so i am in there when they give sharing time lessons. They introduced the new monthly theme of Prophets. The leader asked the kids how they think God can talk to us and tell us important things. She asked, does he have a huge megaphone that he calls us from heaven and yells 'hey, listen to me?'. nope, he has never done that and he never will, except for one time and one time only, and that will be at the end of the world.

all is well

2010-03-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

Can i just say that I love finding out that the more I notice, the more I find that i know and love more LGBT people. So since my last post I have discovered another friend from my high school days. When I saw his blog I was thrilled!! http://thesetwodadsrock.blogspot.com/ He is also a competitive dancer and is going to Orlando this weekend. He and his partner have been together for 9 years. Family is obviously very important to them. His parents raised him well. He spent his growing up years in Yost, Utah. Bet ya can't even find that on the map. haha. Anyway, I am hoping he will be able to share his story for my book.

Two other happy things, my cousin Pam Meyers (I want to get a copy of her story too) told me an exciting story of love about her mother in laws friend who is trans. Pam also expressed heartfelt feelings of love and wishes that we could talk more openly in religious circles without fear. I am so impressed by that. I have been wondering if I would have to leave the church to find open discussion for my thoughts and feelings, so it is wonderful to hear that others who stay are feeling similar things too. And the other cool thing was my cousin Alan who posted his wedding pictures and when I saw the picture of my uncle (who was obviously giving a speech) I wished so much that I could have heard that talk. Alan told me later that he wished they had recorded it because he spoke of the need for love and understanding on both sides and creating a middle ground.

And now, DC just passed a gay-marriage law. These are exciting times. I am thrilled to be part of this history. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/03/AR2010030300654.html

gardening

2010-02-27T23:05:00.000-08:00

spent the day gardening. Greg picked up some plastic sheeting and we made a temporary greenhouse to start some early planting. we received a pickup load of horse manure mixed with sawdust and also a load of straw. so i went to work spreading the stuff. Lasagne style. The cute thing about this was mckay. He stayed outside with me and made a ring toss game out of a piece of cardboard he begged off me. (one of my garden layers was cardboard) once he got me to give him a small piece he was so thrilled and then came back and asked if I would cut 4 circles from it for him. then the circles needed holes and it evolved from there. At one point I realized he snitched the steak knife I had in my pocket for cutting cardboard to fit around the tulip bulbs. He stole it to make his own game pieces out of the cardboard. Okay, watching Mckay create all this fabulous stuff is just about the funnest thing. He is soooo into creating stuff. Saydi had ridden the trail-a-bike to home depot with Greg to get the plastic. she was so excited to go with him. Before they left Saydi and Mckay had been playing the most adorable games on the trampoline together. they got a big beach umbrella and brought out several dolls and wooden play food. then they let their imaginations take control and played out their stories while Greg and I made gardening plans. Chandler spent the day at play practice. he is a munchkin soldier in the wizard of Oz at his school. When Saydi and Greg returned, Greg set up the temporary greenhouse and I kept spreading straw and poop. Saydi asked for permission to watch more Emily Bear playing the piano on You tube and ended up watching a lot of the Ellen Degeneres shows too. I have to say, i love some of Ellens shows. She is a pretty funny lady. She had Emily Bear on her show playing piano and it was fabulous. Especially the one where Emily plays an original song she composed just for Ellen's wedding to another woman. I told Saydi i am so happy to see the possibility of gay people getting married and that in my youthful days you would rarely if ever have talked about, heard or seen of people doing that. I told her she is growing up in a very special time. She knows most religions consider gay marriage is wrong, but maybe if she grows up without being taught to judge, hate or fear gays there will be opportunities for her to lead out in loving and inclusive ways so that gays can feel welcome and loved within their faith communities. I wish that for her, Mckay and Chandler. They live in an exciting time.

Anyway, after the sun went down and the days work was accomplished, mckay saydi and I walked to whole foods in downtown sugarhouse to get some soap and some treats. I so enjoyed walking with them. they took turns telling me things all the way there. We got a sample snack of stinky cheese. They are both cheese connisouers. For their treat they each chose a dollar loaf of crusty french bread. Mckay was buying his own stuff so he was on the look out for something cheap and he remembered those baby loaves are only a dollar so he was excited to get that (he even chose to put back the icecream bar he had chosen first). Saydi also loves bread so she got one too. On the way home i gave Saydi a piggy back ride. Saydi carried the backpack on her back and i carried her on my back. we had fun laughing cause we were so top heavy. i had to bend over and felt like a turtle. They got thirsty but they chose to break and eat pieces of an orange instead of getting a slurpee at the sev. They are both easily talked down from sugary colored junk food, but mckay was regretting it i could tell. He really would have enjoyed the slurpee. I am proud of them for sticking to it. They are very health food conscious and conspicuous consumerism conscious. At home greg had made baked potato fries for us and then we listened to a couple of songs by David Wilcox and then we talked a little bit about prayer and what it means to us and then we went to bed.

2010-02-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

As one who struggles daily......I just want to see if i can accomplish something good by writing a bit of my processing process. because one day, it will be less important for me to feel it and be thinking about it because i will have moved through it and then, then, how will my children know that i ever had any problems to solve.....(well, they lived with me so they know i had problems) but i also want them to know that i accepted the challenge of understanding my problems without taking my problems personally. Ideally, I think of myself as separate from my problems. that is the first helpful thing, but it is not always what I choose. i also find it helpful to remember that i can choose how and when to deal with my problems. that way, when i feel overwhelmed with the problems that my problems cause i can remember that it would be easier to work on the problem if i simply start with awareness. kind of like a baby in the first two years of its life......doing alot of listening and being aware before speaking.

Anyway, at this point in my life I am seeing the effects of the way my brain learned to connect to others from experiencing the parental abuse that I suffered in my teens. In wanting to stop the chain of abuse from filtering on down the line, I have struggled dearly to learn more about healthy parenting and what it means to communicate coherently. Our family is a blended family and we have just begun to attend a 6 week program on what it takes to have a successful step family.

At the same time I am reading a book called insightful parenting. It is a little difficult for me to understand and follow completely but it is providing some light at the end of what feels like a very long and dark tunnel. I am just finishing up a section about how the brain functions as our social processing center. How attachments are made to our primary caregiver and how our brain uses that same pattern to construct future attachments to significant people in our lives......

When the brain makes different attachments it makes for different communication patterns. Here is a table showing the patterns of attachment.

Category of attachment/Parental Interactive pattern

Secure/Emotionally available, perceptive, responsive

Insecure-avoidant/Emotionally unavailable, imperceptive,
unresponsive; and rejecting

Insecure-anxious,ambivalent/Inconsistently available, perceptive, and
responsive; and intrusive

Insecure-disorganized/Frightening, frightened, disorienting,
alarming

Anyway, just trying to be aware. i think my kids and spouses and probably siblings have felt me use various combinations of these attachment models at different times. I know I can be very unpredictable. Add PMS to the mix and you have a nice cocktail for disaster. I am trying to understand the attachment models that my brain learned when i was a kid. There was definitely some of all of this going on between me and my parents and especially during the abuse i attached to my father according to the disorganized model, but with a strong dose of the ambivalent model as well. I attached to my step mother with the ambivalent and avoidant model. My mother attached mostly anxiously/ambivalently with brief windows of the secure model, but then windows of the disorganized model too.

Nice. At least its out there where I can try to understand it.

A gay child's burden

2010-02-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

I didn't take the time to care, to understand the burden
I let the ticking of my time march me on toward heaven
Til on the way I noticed, a child quite out of place
a heavy burden at her feet and fear upon her face.
Oh no, not fear
She's just a selfish child, unready for lifes burdens
I barely paused as I rushed by without a word of comfort

It was but time for me to think, and as I did, I knew
In language that speaks to the heart, I knew what I must do
That child, and more just like her, would walk along the way
Hearing naught but whispers, hushed tones laced with pity
Oh no, not gay
Does not exist and if it does, it won't........I see.
She knows the rhetoric. I'll try to understand her burden and listen lovingly.

Musical Medicine

2010-02-17T21:15:00.000-08:00

I was just wishing that I could find some songs with meaningful words to the issues I feel I am thinking about. And somehow Greg tripped over this artist. I couldn't figure out why he sounded so familiar until I listened to a few songs and realized that his style and voice is alot like Raffi. And I love Raffi. This is Raffi for adults. Greg told me that David was raised by parents who decided to raise their children without any traditions at all. They both felt that the traditions they had been raised with had gotten to a point where they had lost their value and meaning, so they tried something different with their kids. Well, David said it helped him when he got older and felt like something was missing, that when he went searching he was able to connect with a fun God rather than a mean God. He is Christian, but we don't know what particular faith. He is from Asheville North Carolina. Was born in 1958, and has been writing songs and singing since he was 30. He does monthly/some weekly concerts. He will be in Idaho in October. His music is fabulous. He sings about very pertinent issues from religious intolerance to how to have a happy marriage. Like you have never heard before but felt in your heart all along. There just weren't words to express it until David wrote them.........I really wish I knew how to set his music up on my blog. I need you Lindsay!!!!! Anyway, take some time to listen and let me know what you think.
http://davidwilcox.com/index.php?page=cds&category=01--MUSICAL_MEDICINE

subbing

2010-02-10T02:56:00.000-08:00

I've been substitute teaching at the elementary school. Today I was a roving sub, meaning I went to about 5 different classes for 30 minutes each, while the teachers went to inservice meetings. I really enjoyed that way of subbing. It gave me more opportunity to meet and interact with a wider range and age of kids. I knew at least one child in each class, which made it fun. I got to sub in Saydi's class. That was great!!

Another thing on my mind is something Lindsay said when I was telling her how I wish there were certain resources for processing my experiences with LGBT issues and she said, Mom, maybe you are supposed to create those resources. I have thought it over and decided there is something to that. I know there are some great resources out there, but I hesitate involving myself in any one thing because of the religious and politically charged energy that goes into maintaining any one position. It is the practice, the application, the how of love and openess that interests me. I want to do that. For me, important social issues, are reminders given to show that love is not defined by outward appearances. To give us something with which to perfect our awareness. The universe repeatedly offers these courses in love, these opportunities, over and over.

I have a few ideas of what I would love to take an active role in doing. One idea is from a wonderful mentor and mormon friend, Carol Lynn Pearson. She has suggested that we reach out to each other and listen to each others story, experiences with LGBT issues. And that we start within ourselves, our families, our neighborhood and go out from there. Allowing ourselves to listen and love. That we do this especially within our religious communities. This position was echoed by Emma Lou Thayne, another wonderful mentor and mormon woman.

Before one year ago, I only knew one or two individuals and their families having experienced LGBT/religious issues. Alan, (my cousin) and his partner Mike, and Robert (greg's cousin). Since then, I know Elaine(my daughter) and her partner Kristen, Johann (Greg's son), Liz(my childhood friend) and her partner Nan, John (my neighbor), Gloria (6th grade teacher at our school), Lee (my therapist), Jamie (my friend), Cass (my friend), Caspian (my friend), Eric (my friend), Tim and Craig (my friends), A sister of two of my friends from church, A sister of my gospel doctrine teacher, Sara and Scott (blogging friends). So about 21 people and their families. These are people from my closest inner circle. (There are so many more that are now in my circle of knowledge). For now, my book could include a story from about 100 individuals (the 21, and their families).....if each one wanted to share their story with me. I think I will work on compiling that book. It actually sounds exciting!!

Yes!!!

2010-02-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

http://www.sltrib.com/ci_14336708?source=most_viewed

yes, yes, yes, yes!! information I can appreciate. my favorite quote in this article is "this is the church I know and love".........my other favorite quote was about 2 kinds of mormons....those who know and love gay people and those who don't know that they know and love gay people!!!

I would love, love, love, to see more church members take this step to heal the rift......just by listening. imagine it.

knowing

2010-01-26T07:16:00.000-08:00

So I have been looking at parts of this earthly experience through gender, age, religion, nationality, disability, financial and authority status glasses. In response, somedays I rush to fill my head with one more perspective, one more story. I use these to make a collective collage of thoughts that could finally express and make sense of how I feel. I realize that perspective resources are as vast and numerous as the sands of the sea. With any creativity on my part, it seems, that something could be built. A sand castle of thoughts and perspectives. No matter what results from this creative gathering, the sea still rises and washes over this creation reminding me...the teaching pulse of the sea, the gifts of the shore, combined with the relentless whining, hoping, struggling to create. Giving pause, I rest, willing to experience differently.

Why do I deny what is, by thinking so hard that I'm not? If truth gives me anything, it is gravity. Which keeps me from floating away before I learn the principles of rocketry.

I begin to feel the texture and coolness of the sand against my skin...

2010-01-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

healing
from the shattering consequences of abuse.

I found this article on the church's website. I read it from somewhat of a unique perspective. One that I certainly haven't thought of until now. Over the past 32 years I have had the opportunity and blessing (yes, I meant blessing) of healing from the shattering consequnces of sexual abuse. This article is not unlike other articles I read in my earlier days of beginning my healing journey. Words of guidance and comfort had a profound effect on my desire to keep living. The nugget of which was the counsel not to let abuse define who I am.

Fast forward to 2010. Through listening, reading, and observing the lives of individuals who realize that they are attracted to the same-gender and would totally prefer to mate with a person of their same gender. You would have to live under a rock (which I did for a while) not to realize the influence society and religion have on an individuals ability to permit themselves to mate according to their emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical attractions.

I read this article, considering it to be, for a moment, an act of sexual abuse for a religious leader to tell a same-gender attracted person, from childhood, that any sexual activity within a same gender relationship is sin.

It just turns my heart another revolution (hopefully towards more love and light) to accept that for some, their experience with this particular doctrine mirrors my experience with abuse. Harder though, to be given the hope of healing by those who are also capable of abuse, and who also need to feel accepted for who they are. We are all in this together, so I'm okay that everyone has a lesson or two to learn.

amen

2010-01-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

i found this beautiful expression of love today. I decided to take the liberty of re-posting it, only on my blog. it was written by a famous poet. i love you elaine, i hope you don't mind.....

The Other

l'Autre
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Belonging

I stopped saying, "Amen"
when others prayed.

I felt I no longer quite belonged.

But I still visited others,
I couldn't shut them out.
We played Canasta,
My sister comforted me
when I cried
and took me outside
to see the beauty
of the world
was still there.

Perhaps I could say "Amen" to that.

But I wasn't quite ready.
I had to struggle more,
finding each day who I was.
I had to find who I loved,
why I loved, how I loved.

I was thankful for so much, every day.

My mother began, when I was there
around a table with family
to ask me what I was thankful for,
then each person around the table
would also share their gratitude,
before doing it "their way,"
choosing someone to pray.

It no longer feels like
"your way" or "my way,"
like closed or open,
like right or true.
Lately, if feels more like love.

I am slowly re-learning
how to say, "Amen."

Posted by Elaine at 12:39 AM

2010-01-10T20:33:00.000-08:00

so in this tuesday night group we talked about 'getting on different buses' the visual is standing at a bus stop and one comes up and you get on. The buses are sets of thoughts that you entertain that are self defeating or distracting you from enjoying what is going on in the present. The goal is to be aware of the buses but to stop getting on them. Or once you find you are on one to get off and not get on any more. Well......after a couple of days of talking with Greg about the bus thing and noticing how many times I get on in one day, I felt pretty worn out. I came to the conclusion that I have a slick transfer system. Once I find myself on one bus, instead of getting off the system I simply transfer to another bus. We discovered that Greg has a predictable bus route as well. So we talked about that and how our bus rides keep us from accepting, enjoying and focusing on our relationship and taking care of ourselves.

Luckily, Elaine and Kristen took the kids on an overnighter and day long stay at their home. We were then able to have a couple of really important break through moments to feel the present and let it be and work with it and let our feelings teach us important things about ourselves that we have not been able to hear. Together we discovered some important ways to help eachother grieve some significant things. These were important moments together. I think we are both feeling that change is always within reach.

Another important visual is that each of us has been given a plate of delicious food to eat. We set it on our lap and proceed to get on different buses instead of sitting and enjoying what we have been given. When we look again for the food it is gone.

2010-01-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

its been crazy around here. But the funnest part has been having my sister Mary's kids here and enjoying their sweet personalities. Wow. Little girls just sneak in and make my heart happy. So just about every day they played in the bathtub and they were super at entertaining themselves and they were very complimentary about all the snacks we made to eat saying thank you so much and how much they loved all the yummy things. sooo cute. they loved playing pretend. It was awesome. Shannon and Mckay loved checking on the chickens for eggs. and they found a couple. shannon called me aunt em the whole time and made me smile for how sweet and articulate she is. Kimberly is such a cutie pie. she loves her big sister shannon and will do anything to stand up for her. she was always sharing and if shannon got in trouble for trying to grab something from Kim, Kimber would feel sorry that shannon got a lecture and hand over whatever it was she was playing with. Little bit was sooo cute. she was so calm and mellow and she loved attention but she loved her mommy best. her hair is so curly and cute. she was tons of fun to have around.

the crazy part is in the middle of such wonderful things I feel like I am living on the edge of mental weirdness. soo I joined a group and got an assignment to create a grief ritual for myself. I've never done that before so all I could think of was to read that poem I wrote a couple of entries back. But tonight I went to a class at the church given by a physical therapist and she talked about keeping our bodies in motion. We learned some tai chi and I realized this could be another possibility for coping with post traumatic stress. I'll let you know how it goes.

2010-01-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

I came across this scripture today

It may be hard to see that at times, but hold on a little longer, for “eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” and wait for Him (1 Corinthians 2:9; see also D&C 76:10; 133:45)

I haven't quite decided what it means to me. I just wanted to write it down so I could remember it. I know what I want it to mean, but I realize that the author gets the final say and since I don't know if really I know the author I will have to be satisfied to let this one influence me in a less assumptive way. Is assumptive a word? Anyway I hope the scripture means what it says cause it opens up the possibilities but the point is not to speculate on what those specific things would be but rather focus on loving/knowing God. (and waiting) So, in that light here is a question. would you still love God if He were a She, or had a different color of skin than you or if he had lived a life on an earth much in the same way as Hitler lived his mortal life. would that matter to your willingness to love him if there were say a few hundred eons between God's actions or mortal circumstances in his mortal life and who He is and what his circumstances are now? The only way I can answer these questions about what it takes to love someone, I have to ask a few more questions that have to do with forgiveness. If I live a mortal life of degredation, and deceit could I forgive myself enough to allow myself to overcome those weaknesses over a period of a few eons and see myself as whole and free of unloving characteristics...........this could lead to other questions, but for now I just want to focus on feeling for a while. Maybe then a few thoughts will come. Maybe not. I am slowly learning that thinking and feeling are equally important skills to have. And slowly learning that I lack on the feeling end of things. So to give a little twist to winnie the pooh.....feel feel feel feel.

New Years Wish

2009-12-28T13:14:00.000-08:00

as silence captures sound
and life
as tiny droplets
cleanse the strife
with clarity i find
changing heart and mind
enlarging to accomodate
the boundlessness
of love

love
that soon could fill
whatever heart would open
till
it fills the earth
and every soul
only then
will each one know
what now can only be
a faithful,
onward constancy

30 days

2009-12-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

you know the person who made the movie supersize me? well he has continued to produce short films called 30 days. Available to watch online. All of the ones we have seen are pretty thought provoking. my favorite one so far is when he went to live on the Navajo Reservation for 30 days. He came away from that experience thinking more deeply about what it means to have family values, to live in the present, to feel connected to and grateful for the gifts of life. It was also a very poignant story about the abilities of the native americans to survive the dismissal and minimization of their identity, culture, traditions and language. There were a couple other noteworthy films. One is about a devout LDS anti-gay family. They have a few young children. The mom agrees to live with a gay couple and their 3 adopted boys for 30 days. I wont spoil the outcome of the experiement for you. You will have to watch it. Another film was about a minuteman who agreed to live with a family of illegal immigrants for 30 days. Another was about a straight 25-year old anti-gay bible believing Christian man who agreed to live with a gay guy in the Castro district for 30 days. The outcome of both of those were very interesting. Very thought provoking.

Even though I appreciate watching this kind of journalism, one problem it tends to create for me is triggering memories of injustice. Experiences that were unequal to my resources at the time. I have to have a few days afterward to calm my thinking and stay connected with the present.

2009-12-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

spending time with the kids is so special. we went swimming together for a couple of hours on saturday. the pool was nice and warm. lots of fun things for the kids to do and begin testing their swimming abilities. there was a slide for little kids and lots of shallow water to build confidence in Mckay and Saydi. By the time it was time to go Mckay was jumping in the water and pushing himself back up from the floor. He was pretty daring. Saydi still hesitates to think she will ever want to put her head under water, but she enjoys dancing and playing in the water immensely. She also had fun spotting Chandler wherever he was. He was always trying to sneak up on her and catch her leg or something. Chandler was all over the pool. Mostly going down the slide for big people. Greg made hot carob milk for us when we got home. And toast. yummy. After swimming Saydi and I played a game of life. It was funny to hear her say she felt guilty for winning me. Oh boy. She is learning mommy rules too young haha.

Today we went to church. Saydi had her baptism interview. I came in with her. She is pretty excited for her big day. It is Saturday. She has been teaching herself to play piano. Today she was goofing around trying to play the song that I am going to play for the relief society christmas program. She played the first part with a recording I had made of the second player part. she was doing an excellent job. she has a photographic memory for sight and sound. Then she asked me to play the left hand parts of songs she chose from the primary children's songbook. She did fantastic. She just picked out the melodies as she went along. She doesn't read music yet. We played several songs like that. Since we have the piano in the living room now all 3 kids have started using it more. Even Mckay sits up there and makes up his own songs and records them. Chandler has mastered chopsticks and part of the entertainer. He seems to like playing the piano alot. He is sounding great on his trumpet. His Christmas concert is on Wednesday. Mckay is really doing alot of cute things for a little girl in his kindergarten class. Right now he is writing her a note asking her if she likes garlic powder. Ha ha ha. It is because he wants to share a pizza he made tonight cause he told us that Maddie likes the same things he does......maybe he just wanted to be sure. hehehe He has been busy all day long making things for her. A puzzle that he drew and cut out and he lost it so now he is writing her a note to apologize that he can't bring it and that he will try to find it. this is tons of fun.

silence

2009-12-09T23:31:00.000-08:00

in thinking about the gifts of silence I made this interesting discovery. Think of the times and places where silence is important to hearing, understanding and knowing. At a symphony, if there were no silence there could be no distinction between instruments. Meaning would be lost. Think of the emotion or story that is conveyed when you hear the solitary sound of a bell against a backdrop of silence. Even when several instruments play at the same time, our ears manipulate silence to 'pick out' certain sounds by using the silence in our heads to soften the surrounding sounds. In that way silence is malleable and personally useable.

chickens and awesome poetry

2009-12-08T14:59:00.001-08:00

so Mckay found the first eggs layed by the chickens. We put a light in their coop and it helped lengthen the days for them and sure enough they have started laying. Today Mckay told them that they sure are doing a good job laying eggs. It is so much fun to open the nesting box and get the eggs. Chickens like to eat snow. They are fun to watch. We have several passers-by who stop to watch the chickens on their walk through the alley. There are still 2 that haven't started laying yet, it wont be long though I'm sure.

I wanted to record some poetry that I wrote today. I have been working very pointedly to find a way to let my body grieve through its responses to the past. Ironically, today is the 32nd anniversary of one return from a time of critical mass. It is amazing that I am better able to navigate the journey of self awareness. This poetry expresses a tender awakening to that ability within me.

I listened to myself
I heard the cry
I felt the silence of the night
Wrap the sound up tight.
I could not stop the burglary
For I didn't know I owned.
I watched with saddened eyes
The stealing
And now
The silence is revealing,
Slowly loosening its treasures
Of the girl
I used to know.

Love,
Where are you now?
You look funny all wrinkled
From the crinkled way you lay
Hiding there,
Until I could come again
Older and wiser
Seeking
For the girl
I used to know.

I didn't speak in words
Muted sounds were all I made
Not hardly loud enough
For anyone to hear.
There would be no rescuers
That night,
Nor
The next.
I would
Come to speak in words
In very LOUD sounds
Hardly soft enough
For anyone not to hear.
Though many came to rescue
Showing brave and kind intent,
There would be no rescue
That night,
Nor
The next.
Not
Until
Silence--
With her knowing,
Nimble
Fingers
Release me
To
Myself

Mother! You
Are the silence
That surrounds me!
You are
Eternally
There!
You come
In winters snows
You come
In summers rain
You beckon me to listen
As your whispers
Ease the pain.

This poetry has opened the door to a way for me to grieve productively. I get chills reading it again. Behind these words a fountain of pure emotion has waited patiently for its release.

crisis of faith

2009-12-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

this post is open to all, but mostly for my older kids. Lindsay called to ask Greg his spin on my recent posts and my feelings about membership in the LDS church. I have been thinking for quite some time and want to say a few things.

First of all, these past two years feel like growing years for me. I feel very changed in matters of the heart. I have begun to see the world of questioning with new respect. I have always had questions but I have become more aware of how I feel when these questions arise and have learned to avoid feeling guilt on one extreme and feeling compelled to any action or inaction on the other extreme. I don't think I would ever have chosen to engage myself in learning about the social, emotional and religious complexities of LGBT issues had I not had the opportunity given to me through my sweet Elaine. But I want her to know I wouldn't have it any other way. I am proud of her for working her way through this challenge. There have been huge sorrows and setbacks but she has faced each unexpected turn with faith that she can and will do her best to do right. I have tried to live true and faithful to the religious commitments that I have made. I have struggled with my feelings as you can sense in nearly all posts for the last year.

It has not been hard at all to love Elaine and other LGBT friends and family members, but in realizing that if I am asked to disagree with her choice of lifelong companion I cannot find a place like that anywhere in my heart. Temple worthiness is ultimately a personal decision, and I was beginning to worry that my inability to 'hate the sin' might fall under the category of apostate. I needed to have a temple recommend interview anyway, because I had recently lost my wallet and my temple recommend. In the interview, I told my stake president that I'm not sure how I feel about the church's stance on LGBT issues, but that I felt it would be helpful to go to the temple with the intention of seeking peace on the issue. So I was given the opportunity to do that. After I finished the session I headed to the cafeteria. Someone, (not saying who) must have a sense of humor because the only sandwich left was a crab salad sandwich. As I ate my lunch, I noticed that on each table was a quote by President Thomas S. Monson that read something like this...The Lord in his infinite compassion gave us temples so that we would have the peace that surpasseth understanding.

I felt something very good come from that. So for now, I will maintain my membership in the church and I will no longer be afraid to say I don't know, when I really don't know. I will not allow hate or fear to motivate me to action or inaction. I will always keep my heart open to peace and opportunity, because I want to work towards and I hope to live to see the day where we as a society complete this particular growth process of change and inclusion of anyone marginalized by that society. There is a place for everyone. My membership in the church is not as important to me as feeling that I am living as close to truth as I possibly can. If that happens to find me outside of the church one day, I am not going to worry about that. I know I could find and do much necessary good in that path as well.

If this doesn't make you feel secure as to where I stand, maybe it will help to understand that I have decided that my question is not about staying in or leaving the church, but rather how will I keep working for the love and inclusion of LGBT people and not being afraid of what that may require. In the meantime, trying not to be so crabby, cause well, it gave me very bad breath....and Greg didn't like that very much. haha

unpinned (carol lynn pearson)

2009-11-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

I hope that humans
Never pin down
Love or God.

Things pinned down
(Like butterflies)
Lose something
(like life).

I can go with progress
I am grateful
For a long life span
For medicine and computers
And I'm glad to know
The layout of the
Galaxy.

But let some
Mysteries win.

Let love and God be free
As a million monarchs
To touch our faces
With bright wings
And leave wonder in our eyes
As they rise
From the hand held pin.

2009-11-23T18:17:00.000-08:00

Greg introduced me to the music and life of Joan Baez last night. I was kind of blown away. Why it has taken me so long to listen and notice. I really enjoyed watching her life bio and seeing her sing and talk about her life. Well, Saydi made her cooking but tonight. She made oatmeal raisin cookie muffins absolutely and completely by herself tonight!! She even searched for and found the recipe. I have no idea how she mixed them all together, but they turned out deliciously. Mckay made a puzzle for his friend Oliver. He printed it out and glued it and colored and cut it. He did it all by himself. Chandler is almost finished sewing his first apron in school. It looks great!! We got a little peg board today (with stars and heart wooden pieces that fit onto the nail pegs). It was perfect for the kids to track their daily jobs. When they have all 3 areas finished they can put a star or heart on their pegs. (I think this was a tic tac toe game actually. oh well, it is a very cute peg board). Did you see that it snowed? I hope somebody made a snowman. Well, I have a little more cleaning to do. I am very excited to see Linds, John and Joseph soon. Here is a song that I really liked from a conscientious objector. (sung by Joan Baez)

DAY AFTER TOMORROW
(Tom Waits/Kathleen Brennan)

I got your letter today
And I miss you all so much here
And I can't wait to see you all
And I'm counting the days dear
I still believe that there's gold
At the end of the world
And I'll come home
To Illinois
On the day after tomorrow

It is so hard and it's cold here
And I'm tired of taking orders
And I miss old Rockford town
Up by the Wisconsin border
What I miss you won't believe
Shoveling snow and raking leaves
And my plane
Will touch down
On the day after tomorrow

I close my eyes every night
And I dream that I can hold you
They fill us full of lies everyone buys
About what it means to be a soldier
I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel
About all the blood that's been spilled
Will God on his throne
Get me back home
On the day after tomorrow

You can't deny the other side
Don't want to die anymore than we do
What I'm trying to say is don't they pray
To the same God that we do
Tell me how does God choose
Just whose prayers he will refuse
Who spins the wheel
Who throws the dice
On the day after tomorrow

I'm not fighting for justice
I am not fighting for freedom
I am just fighting for my life
And another day on this earth dear
I just do what I've been told
We're just the gravel on the road
And only the lucky ones
Will come home
On the day after tomorrow

And the summer it soon will fade
And with it comes the winter's frost dear
And I know we too are made
Of all the things we lost here
I turn twenty-one today
I'm saving all my pay
And my plane
Will touch down
On the day after tomorrow

© Jalma Music (ASCAP)

2009-11-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

in studying the differing viewpoints, considering my own feelings and perceptions, i've still concluded that i feel very much like i did when my brothers were considering killing eachother as they chased eachother around the house like maniacs. My first reaction was to believe they were really serious in their intent. and second i bought into the idea that if they saw me kneeling on the floor crying, and begging them to stop then of course they would stop. right? I'm not sure i've really grown out of that gut reaction. it doesn't take much to tune in to the debate of individuals and organizations involved in same-sex marriage/opposite-sex marriage/civil rights/religious freedom activities. Having a pre-disposition toward OCD, and self-doubt, I have not as yet, tapped into an effective and creative way of handling my awareness of the conflict. I have considered the easy option of tuning out. But there is a new generation of children who don't hold the frustrations and biases that I hold and I am in a position to teach them something. That responsibility is the single largest reason I keep listening, well......that and my OCD habit.

Up until now, full participation in the LDS church has been my single most spiritual and creative outlet in dealing with (well.....maybe creatively ignoring) the awareness of human conflict and suffering. As long as I had access to a laminator and a 24 hour Kinkos I didn't really need to listen that closely when 4yr old Adam says 'when I grow up, my mom says I HAVE to marry a girl' or when 5yr old Tristan says 'I told my mom I want to marry a boy when I grow up and she told me I couldn't'.

The loving heart of a Heavenly Father and (supposed) Mother who see me as I really am and fully understand my potential quickly dissolves into a distracting vision of all the important men in my life (husband, son, neighbor, brother, father, bishop, stake president, quorum of the 12, prophet) expressing multiple opinions. It is so hard to focus on what Heavenly parents would wish for me when I see and feel the piercing silence of this conflict and its influence on my life.

So, do I embrace both the conflict and the church?. Can the church continue to be a spiritual and creative resource for me in coping with this particular conflict? What does paradox demand of me today? Greg asked me what I was going to do today. I said, "make sure the kids get home from school" anything else is extra.

2009-11-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

cool things happen. this is one of them. http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_13758070
I am so happy that actual live human beings were able to express this. I thought the LDS church was leaving this up to God to figure out for another place and another time, so I was resigned to wait. But, here is the proof that the answers for equality are in human minds and hearts right here, right now. I am moved by this. Whoever was able to put across the fact that this is not about creating a special class of people since we all have a sexual orientation and gender. Nice job in the creation of serious friendships among different people with different perspectives. Nice example of 'faithing' the impossible.

just another day

2009-11-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

the weather has been unusually nice. we planted a tree in the parking strip. i have been trying to finish making the apple juice. we still have tons of apples. Greg's mom passed on last weekend. It has only been 4 months since his father died. His mom didn't seem like she was ready to go, but one day she just decided she was going and it was only 2 weeks later that she went. We are happy that she is now free from the constraints of life in a wheelchair and the pain she had to endure. But i Wish they had been able to stay a little longer. We miss them alot. Tomorrow is the memorial service for her. This has been a difficult year for everyone. Today I walked with Saydi and Mckay to the library. Mckay is into the Henry and Mudge series. Saydi read a stack of books but didn't check any out to take home. I have a few more things to do in applying to be a substitute teacher. i hope this will be a good change for me.

before i get it

2009-11-05T08:34:00.000-08:00

in all of the learning and listening and considering of life and its many experiences, Greg has come across a couple of places in internet land that have given us another perspective to consider. http://www.staylds.com/ Greg has been on this site before and kept me from certain madness as I spend far too much energy trying to figure things out within our external social and religious environment. finally, i read a few things there for the first time. there are definitely some valid points to consider. Keeping life in balance helps. Even when there are no seemingly fair answers, seeking too hard multiplies the difficulty for me. One thing I agree with, at least I can see it applies in my situation, is the idea that while orthodoxy has helped me survive certain experiences, seeing it out of context is an impairment to my ability to thrive. I don't mean to throw the rules out the window. I mean to calmly understand why the rules are there in the first place. I am reminded of art classes where the teacher advised that we first learn the principles of art and the rules of discipline before we could fully appreciate and adequately direct our raw ability to create. And that some of the best creators of art knew how to effectively break those rules in astounding ways. Picasso was always a favorite example of theirs. Van Gogh was one of my personal favorites. I will probably always struggle with when to pull the rip cord to my creative abilities, but at least I am understanding better the relationship between the two. They are kind of necessary companions. I am getting to a point where I can accept that. Knowing me though, I will probably hit the ground several times before I really get it.

occupational inspiration

2009-10-29T14:15:00.000-07:00

saydi was inspired as to her future occupation. a few days ago while crossing the street to school under the direction of the crossing guard, the children escaped certain death from a lady speeding through the intersection. as speeder closed in on the group, the crossing guard jumped forward and let out a scream and holler that Saydi had never heard before. She was very impressed. that was the first time she had seen the crossing guard in defensive action. As we calmed down and finished the walk to school, Saydi told me her observations and said, that's what I could be when I grow up. I said you mean a crossing guard? and she said yes! and I laughed at the instant realization of what she meant and asked 'why, because you can scream?" and she said Yup!!

i dont need much.

2009-10-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

haircuts. walks in the rain. to notice my breath on a cold morning. to hold a chicken. to wash a stray dog before returning it to its owner. to have giggle fests with joseph. simplicity. awareness bordering on thankfulness for things that were. acceptance that borders on appreciation for things that are. dreams bordering on reality for what can be. to hold my fellow beings in my heart. to notice them. to listen to them. with faith and love to do all that is possible to achieve the impossible.

nothing much to say

2009-10-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

enjoying the gifts of family. getting kids settled in school and wondering about how i'm doing as a parent. trying to make gardening connections and realizing more of the fullness of life. each small step toward understanding love is encouraging. someone recently told me they believe that true love should never justify an act of love just because it 'feels good'........so would an act of love be justified just because it 'feels bad'? There is a subtle difference between a good feeling and feeling good. and a bad feeling and feeling bad. But here is something else. Enjoyable physical responses (attractions, both sexual and non-sexual) are separate from our choice to create a nurturing environment for those attractions to be lovingly shared with others. Those responses and environment is unique for every person.

The first commandment is to love God and the second to love ourselves and others. Loving others as ourselves first takes noticing what even makes us who we are. How did we develop our attractions and desires to share our lives with others? Why would we think to deny that same process and gift to those whose only difference is that they are same-sex attraced? As opposite sex attracted individuals we allow ourselves a lifetime to understand our own sexual attractions. In fact it is socially acceptable and expected and somewhat necessary that we will date, marry and raise families before completely understanding our sexuality, but we accuse same sex attracted individuals of not understanding their sexuality as a reason to deny them socially equal opportunities to date, marry and have families with an adult of their choosing.

If the answer is in loving others as ourselves, then we must do that.

flowers

2009-07-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

yesterday Saydi Mckay and i spent some time down on temple square. first we walked down from elaines house to spend time at the Daughters of The Utah Pioneers Museum. then we walked down to temple square and spent some time sitting by fountains and enjoying the water and the beautiful flowers. Then we went to the Beehive house for a tour. Then we walked to the Church museum and spent a couple of hours in the childrens hands on section. the theme is I Am A Child of God. There were lots of things for the kids to do related to the theme. the one they seemed to like the most was tending life size models of newborn babies in the nursery. It was so cute to watch them. Mckays baby was usually on the floor whenever he was getting different clothes, or filling out paperwork.(birth certificate) That was pretty funny. Then we ate a snack outside and then met Greg at the Lion House Pantry for lunch. He was downtown at the library working so it was easy for us to meet up with him.

While we sat under the shadow of the temple I talked with the kids about what people do in the temple. We noticed a couple dressed in wedding clothes with their photographer getting pictures taken. They kissed a nice modest kiss for one picture. I found myself wondering if they had been so nicely dressed and same sex would they have been as welcome on this private property. I wasn't feeling resentful in any sort of way, just wondering. just pondering. I mentioned to the kids that the temple is where people get married and sealed and that if you are a same sex couple you are not allowed to be married in the temple. When I told Saydi that the only reason that is like that is because Heavenly Father hasn't revealed to the prophet that same sex couples can marry in the temple, she said well, I think someday he would do that. Saydi's big heart is inspiring to me. Whether or not the church leadership receives a revelation on this in our lifetime, at least I know that within the heart of the family there is a wish that any desire will be realized. For now I am willing to stumble along and bear pockets of harsh conditions that exist here and there. Knowing that I can do a little good each day and that is all I can do.

I am thankful for my LDS upbringing. As difficult as it has been, I feel it has laid the groundwork for questioning in an anchored sort of way. I know I have felt the presence of the divine in my life. I have been going through a time of huge struggle and ultimately felt a desire to return to modest prayer. In recent days I have pointedly felt a divine interest in my life, my questions, my desires. I am learning more about that. I was touched to hear Elaine express her appreciation for her LDS upbringing as well and even more inspired when she said she had no bitter feelings about that. I want to say that I love her friend Kristen. She is a blessing in our life. I am so touched by her interest and work with children. I can't imagine not wanting both she and Elaine to be able to realize their lifes desires. Yes, I would like for those desires to be right and good. I am more hesitant to guess what that might be for them. I just know I am intrigued with the figuring out process. And I trust very much that they will realize their greatest dreams. I have these same feelings for all of our children. Our children are amazing, unique, and original. The process is enjoyable. Maybe I never thought I would be saying that, but I have changed alot. I am really good with watching the transformation process and enjoying every conscious moment.

thoughts to share

2009-07-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkTKQsYWBxc
The Freedom To (let us love our neighbor as we love ourselves)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhqRMP9meMc&feature=channel
A father indeed (let us love unconditionally)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INO0zl0g9sc&feature=channel
Blessings of the priesthood (change brings blessings)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zP7K7PUU_24&feature=channel
Little Children (let us be as little children)

chicken update

2009-07-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

i am going to rest from my thinking about the existence and purpose of mother in heaven, and gender concepts and war and genetically modified food and materialism and other important issues. It is what it is. i helped the chickens this morning. they spent their first night in their new coop. they covered the floor in poop, so I scooped that out and put down a fresh layer of wood chips. Greg and I dug out some clumps of clover and transplanted them in the chicken run. the chickens promptly dug out all the bugs. we watched them find a worm and steal it from eachother back and forth. Starburst is still the calmest chicken. We attended church and gave opening and closing prayers in sacrament meeting. Mckay and I took garden flowers to an older sister in our ward and visited with her for a while. We are borrowing Dales car so we can visit Greg's mom later this evening. We are going to see the chickens now. Cya.

considering my feelings for God

2009-07-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

I have been considering my feelings about God. First, I absolutely adore my father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ. I love and appreciate all that I have been taught by Him about Him, and all I have been able to feel and learn from fellow humans about Him. The following thoughts aren't necessarily focused on Him, but on someone who is definitely connected with Him. Reason and truth have orchestrated a symphonic melody.......yes. I have a mother in Heaven. Therefore the concept of God (as much as I know of God) must include a separate human form that is a woman. I keep feeling that perhaps the reason I am not given further light and knowledge about mother in Heaven and opportunities to openly praise her the way I praise our father, is not because her contributions could be any less than those of our Father. I have learned that thankfulness and humble acknowledgment of transcendent creative power (for me that is God) can be refining to my spiritual being. In fact we have been blessed by the contributions of many men and women on earth, however, my heart, as well as this world needs to do better in acknowledging and praising the contribution of women. Then, it only stands the test of reason that my lack of opportunity to know and acknowledge Mother in Heaven comes simply because I haven't sincerely thought about it, studied it out, and sought for her. In the spirit of seeking I would like to share these thoughts.

Heavenly Father, Is my mother there?
And does she also listen to each childs prayer?
Some say that's only a Fathers place.
But, love tells me she once gazed upon my face.
Heavenly Father, when you sent your Son,
Through Him, you promised that I'll ever surely find.
Suffer that I might know her too.
Father, with all my heart I'll truly seek.

If its just that I am blind then can you heal me?
If its just that I can't feel, can you bless?
Open another way
Open another door
Please bring about a miracle today.

If it's just my stubborn heart, can you soften?
Can you take away the mote from my eye?
Please take away that which keeps me from this revelation.
Please bring about a miracle today.

Where is my mother in Heaven? Don't I need to know
And worship her the way I worship you?
Does she not deserve the title to be called the Mother-God.
Is she not a separate being who shares in Priesthood power.

I feel a burst of power, of love from every tree.
The spirit whispers yes, mother loves and cares for me.
I'll love her through creative works.
Drawing, writing, expression of the soul.
Father help to form the words, Mother help to form the soul.

Now that I know that she exists, don't take her face from me
In fact, please help me bring her out of obscurity.
This world easily passes by and overlooks she's there.
Diminishing her presence with addiction to ego care.

If its just that I am blind then can you heal?
If its just that I can't feel, can you bless?
Open another way
Open another door
Please bring about a miracle today.

If it's just my stubborn heart, can you soften?
Can you take away the mote from my eye?
Please take away that which keeps me from this revelation.
Please bring about a miracle today?

The music of our growing

2009-07-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

How I deal with dissonance. Only when I take it personally. It is hard not to make some sort of agreement with myself that I am defective in some way. I try to sweep house. These negatives seem to resist my power broom. Now I'm talking in riddles. I miss having priesthood blessings. I know that at several times in my life those blessings restored my sense of balance and perspective. One of the many respected gifts of the spirit on earth. My ability to give and receive comfort seems greatly diminished in this choice of mind. It would stand to reason that a priesthood blessing could bring much needed solace. I have heard that kind words also cheer the heart. There is enough pain in mortality to warrant the need for some kind of reprieve.

Truly, without the song of a sad heart there would be no contrast against which to recognize the gladder tones of life. And yet sadness droning on too long makes for a dreary and impossible melody unless woven in again at last with many measures of gladness. How does one decide when the melody is too burdened and needs to change? How does one lift the experiences that plunk to the bottom of our hearts? And when one has allowed the sadness to drone on and on, how does one believe that it is not a mistake?

Eckhart Tolle talks about the spiritual nature of flowers. That the essence of a flower draws us in immediately. It is not the form, but the essence, the spirit that enlightens and gladdens our heart. And yet the flower is certainly different than the seed and so to become itself, it must needs have changed. Have you ever heard the growing pains of a flower? Once I wrote a paper for a music class. As I walked outside I was drawn to consider music of the daffodils. Did they have voices? Did they sing? Did they sing playfully? Did they lament? I guess because they looked so strong and yellow I decided that they must be always singing and began to wish that I had the ears to hear them. But I hadn't considered until now the music of their growing. What is music? Why does it provide balance to our spirit and do we consider the less obvious places it plays for us. Through nature, touch and kind words. Okay, I guess I will go now and construct the much needed reprieve. And try to understand that neither pain nor joy are a mistake or to be avoided, but blended and harmonized. Now there's a project for all of us.

2009-07-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

I want to remember the information in this book. 'Gay and Lesbian in Asia' pages 45-46 In Asia they focus on relationships (peace, harmony) not confrontation. They consider the word homosexual to be a word used to protect homophobic individuals. In chinese the word is tongzhi and they avoid its direct use in their discussions with eachother. They come out as groups or families (instead of individuals against the group/family) by accepting human sexuality that applies to everyone.

They choose not to use western terms to label and categorize themselves or eachother. Their focus on respect and the importance of family relationships propels us all to consider our own sexuality on a very basic level. My experience with Elaines coming out has definitely given me cause to consider my own sexuality. Something I probably wouldn't have paid much attention to otherwise. I can say it is humbling to take the approach that is suggested here. It takes away the fight and puts the focus on something we can have real dialouge about because it applies to all of us.

My rest a stone

2009-06-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

the LDS hymn Nearer My God to Thee. Brings out a story for me that I wish to record. It is part of my journey in desiring 'A Heart Like His'. I guess I ought to tell that story first. A couple of years ago I found a book written by Virginia H. Pearce. 'A Heart Like His' Making space for God's love in your life. It begins with this poem from the first chapter.

'Splitting the sky in two'
The world stands out on either side
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky,--
No higher than the soul is high,
The heart can push the sea and land
Further away
On either hand;
That can not keep them pushed apart;
And he whose soul is flat--the sky
Will cave in on him by and by.

Edna St. Vincent Millay "Renascence"

A little while later, I was called to be a counselor in the women's organization of the LDS church. I accepted this calling. Within one month of that I learned that my father had passed on. That occurance was in many ways a huge relief to me personally. If nothing else it opened a new chapter in my life as the history I shared with my father had been defined greatly by many years of relentless abuse. A few months later I began to learn that my daughter Elaine was dealing with unresolved issues about her sexual identity. This situation invited me in a real way to consider the social issues surrounding gay and lesbian people. I began that process by searching the internet and reading Carol Lynn Pearson. A fellow LatterDay Saint who had dealt with these issues for several years and had written much from her perspective. A while later, I was invited to hear her speak at a public lecture. I attended her lecture and could feel that something remarkable was happening to my heart.

Putting it together

2009-06-30T15:13:00.001-07:00

I have a dream
Abba

I have a dream
A song to sing
To help me cope
With anything
If you see the wonder
Of a fairy tale
You can take the future
Even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream

I have a dream
A fantasy
To help me through
Reality
And my destination

Makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness

Still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream
I'll cross the stream

I have a dream
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream

How We get in touch with our feelings

2009-06-26T06:09:00.000-07:00

It is spiritual experience to feel through having a loved one die. A brother in law shared a few moments with us last night. He was feeling immense pain. He only allowed its expression by connecting it to recent actions that were taken by one of his sisters. At a couple of points in the conversation he felt invited to connect his feelings to my comments. He expressed himself very passionately. Luckily, Greg offered that we wrap up and go to bed since we were all tired and it was late. Well this morning my mental processor does feel refreshed. I am learning some deep lessons in how we process emotion. This dear brother needs a place to deal with his feelings. I recognize his inability to process his emotion without creating new and valid reasons. It is not the actions that we or others take that are the object of our emotions. I am learning that our emotions are the object of our emotions.

It wasn't easy for him to say how he felt about himself and describe his feelings about the loss of his father. But it was easier and more compelling for him to express anger, rage, and frustration because of the actions of his sister. Those feelings seemed out of proportion to his sisters actions. But they make more sense when applied to the loss of his father.

How do I love Thee

2009-06-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM3mlgLAlMs

I love this messge. It is not where, when or why do I love Thee. It is How. Yes. I appreciate Elder Hollands focus. How do I demonstrate my love. How do I reveal my feelings.....

Empty Handcart

2009-06-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

It's nice when I feel a paradigm shift. I usually think in metaphors when these changes occur. I have certain rituals and reactions I go through when faced with certain issues. The reactions are because I still see my life filled with the choices others made in relating to me. I see that as a handcart filled to the brim with items that I didn't choose to bring but for which I have felt responsible to continue holding onto and dealing with in very personal ways. Well today I saw my own handcart. It is seasoned, but swept clean. Ahh, today I just want to keep it that way for a while. Before I choose my most prized emotions to push and pull thousands of miles to a new home, I want to wait until the evening stars come out and the wind is warm and crickets are chirping. I want to lay down in my handcart and absorb its space. It is a small space. But I want to understand the paradox that I am larger than these spaces. I will feel that as I lay there and listen to natures sounds and see the stars full of sky and fill/feel the divine space of which I am a part. The next morning will be soon enough to decide what I must choose to push and pull. I am at peace finally accepting this gift. My empty handcart...........

2009-06-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

Fathers Day
Yesterday we spent with Gregs father and family. His father is in his last earthly days. It is sad to see him suffer and to know he will be gone soon. But it is wonderful to have him at home around his family and consider how much love and blessings he has brought into all of our lives. Yesterday we were able to visit with Gregs moms cousin. This cousin also happens to be a cousin to my step-father. It was so nice to listen to her tell a few stories about my step-father and his mother and her two sisters. I guess the threesome were quite well-known school teachers. Dorothy remembers getting homemade bread butter and sugar whenever they would visit the Aunts. It was nice to remember James. I miss him. It is nice to see Saydi preparing a bouquet of flowers for Greg for fathers day. First she thought to crush lavendar leaves in the water. Then collect all different kinds of flowers availble. There are several blue and purple ones. It smells lovely. Saydi loves special days!! It has been raining for two weeks straight. Maybe we will have a longer summer. Mckay is sporting a few chicken pox. All of the kids have had sore throats. Mckay is the first to have spots. He is pretty happy maybe a little tired. My favorite thing was Greg wanting to get a pair of pink moccasins. He is really trying to think about gender roles and we are working on changing a few things about our assumptions. Conversations at home have been pretty interesting lately. The raspberries are beginning to be ripe. It is so enjoyable to watch and understand the process. The chicks are getting bigger. I put them outside a bit today and it helped them calm down later. It is a treat to observe them and understand their emotions and how they relate to eachother and to us and to the outside environment. One of them tried to swallow a stick. I had to pull it out of its throat. wow! They are weird.

sesame street talks about marriage

2009-06-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

Pride parade

2009-06-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful family experience it was to participate in the pride festival parade on Sunday morning. It seemed our family presence was much appreciated. I know I grew in appreciation and understanding for the children who deal personally with these issues. They need us as much as we need them. I was brought to tears when I saw a young man in a golden speedo preparing for his place in the parade. How long will we suffer that our children must endure our ruthless public and political inquiry into their private and personal lives? I take way too much for granted.

A handful of our close friends were there. Families. Adding their voice and action. The majority of our friends and families were attending their church meetings. My favorite belief that i have heard and seen practiced here and there by insightful hearts, is that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. On one snowy day a couple of years ago, we were all dismissed early from our sacrament and other meetings so that we could return home and shovel all the neighborhood walks. Not just our own, but others elderly or otherwise unable. Today, our family excused ourselves from our meetings on the same premise. There are saints in the parade who are unable to live happy and fulfilled lives without our acknowledgment and help. We felt privileged to share those moments of hope with them. We love you Johann and Elaine!!

think think think said pooh bear

2009-06-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to remember some of the dumb reasons we bring up in sunday school to explain the patriarchial order in the church. and remember that the church is an auxillary to the family. that the sabbath and any transcendant action is an auxillary to the individual and family. These options provide opportunity, but remember that a person doesn't become a car just because they sleep in the garage. We are not trying to become our options. We are using our options to develop our abilities. We need to increase our knowledge of our options. Hopefully we wont let the perceptions of our present options keep us from that increase of knowledge. The more knowledge, the more options, the more action, the more ability, the more ability, the more understanding, the more understanding, the more happiness and fullfillment.

One POV (a person who doesn't know?)

The official explanation is that women are kept from having the priesthood because women are more spiritual than men, therefore, men need to have the priesthood to teach them how to be better people (Johnson 86). Women are also told that, because they have the all- important ability to bear children, men need the power of the priesthood merely to remain equal with them.

Another POV (a person who knows?)

A misunderstanding of women’s roles in the Mormon Church is engendered by those who don’t know themselves and by those who wish to claim that the patriarchal order de facto creates suppression. This is false. While a coercive order (patriarchal or matriarchal) represses, such an order is outside every tenet of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Patriarchy is not synonymous with presumption and unrighteous power; it is an organized divine pattern for the release of power equally for men and women.

2009-05-30T23:29:00.000-07:00

there are some amazing things to learn. to soak up just like the sun. to work on just like the yard. to show interest in just like the kids. to love just like people. Greg and I spent the evening with several mormon gay folks. we watched a movie called 'if the world were mine' we also met several people for the first time. we are soaking it in. broadening our understanding and love for others seemingly unlike us and yet we need them. because of these people i have considered things i never would have thought to consider on my own. how can i not be profoundly thankful for our differences.

spirituality

2009-05-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

“A true spiritual teacher does not have anything to teach in the conventional sense of the word, does not have anything to give or add to you, such as new information, beliefs, or rules of conduct. The only function of such a teacher is to help you remove that which separates you from the truth…”

Eckhart Tolle

2009-05-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

the new lawn looks fabulous. the strawberries are ready and so much fun to munch while jumping on the trampoline. I caught Saydi sitting in a pile of clover looking earnestly for four leaf clovers. she has found 3 so far and one day she found a 5 leaf clover. Saydi was so cute in her pink feet pajamas. heavens these kids are magical. elaine has been coming around more often. she is so sweet to spend personal time with each of the kids going on walk dates. greg is working on building a chicken coop for our next door neighbor. then we will share the eggs and care for the chickens. it is amazing. our neighbors name is Jim and he recently went blind. he is so determined to keep his life full of social activities and interest. so he suggested the chickens. Greg found some really cute plans on line. this thing has wheels and is easily dismantled and added onto. We are really looking forward to spending time with Jim this way. The flowers and herbs have bushed out this year. The raspberries and grapes are looking very productive.

fun stuff

2009-05-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

i stitched up a cute little carry bag. our ward has ten babies coming before the end of the year. oops, 11 (someone is having twins). so i am busy making bags. they are turning out really cute. even Greg thinks so. that's saying something. hehe. this one is green and winnie the poohish colors. so today Mckay really wanted some cheddar cheese sunchips. i told him they cost $4 and that we needed to wait until we paid for the sod and dirt we ordered. Well, he set about finding $4 around the house. went right to my wallet and found a dollar. hehe. he was excited then cause he also found 40 cents on the floor he says. he showed me his money and I asked where he got it all. he admitted to getting the dollar from my wallet. good little boy. he is awesome. honesty is a good thing. anyway, he still didn't have enough. so he waited patiently for dad and the minute he got home he had him talked into going to the store to get some chips. mckay knows about those cards that work like money. haha. well, that was easy cause greg is a sucker for a kid who knows what he wants and gives greg an excuse to walk with them. so, mom's idea about waiting to get the sod was easily solved. They went to the store and mckay was happy as could be. he took his backpack and carried the chips all the way home.

On the way mckay said this is just a walk, not a hike. Then when they got to the store Greg complimented Mckay for walking all the way and asked if it felt like a hike and Mckay said oh no. a hike is much longer. you have to take a plane to get there and it's in Australia. haha.

Saydi was in the spelling bee. she was the first one out. she was nervous and spelled pretty, preety. she played hopscotch afterwards outside and was a really good jumper. then she chased her friend sidney around the playground for a while. these kids are cute!!

Jaden read The Cat in the hat today. she just repeated what I said, but she stuck with it for several pages. then she told her dad that she can read. its cute. she really wants to read like mckay. it'll happen.

Chandler is working on a weaving project. a bag for me. it's turning out nicely.

owies

2009-05-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

okay. ouch. today i feel like i might do better in a mental ward. digging into past issues is treacherous. as is receiving the healing balm. I could use some of that. oh lets just have a big old sad party. privately today. Let's avoid the palooza style this time. This time i just need to feel my space. Imagine a place filled with sun and flowers where I can just let the sadness come in and make its cleansing sweep of the heart. Oh, oops, that is earth. I'm already there. It is a rather beautiful place to feel all of these emotions and make such interesting discoveries. there are a few people wanting me to succeed. i'm thankful today for the decisions eons ago to bless this place with sun and stars and moon, flowers and trees, animals, lindsays music on her blog, me, you, land, air and water. and fire. ouch. okay.

mother

2009-05-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

just been thinking more about mother in heaven. the other day i tried to visualize her. all i came up with were brown arms. i guess the sense of the visualization were arms to comfort and sustain me. maybe it was from a discovery channel program on Queen Nefertiti. she made great decisions in her lifetime and she nurtured a few children as well. she had chariot races with her husband. sounds adventurous to me.

so for mothers day.......

mother in heaven

arms to comfort and sustain
wit and will to ease the pain
dancing singing playing too
dreams adventure living true
search my face for meaning
desire and intent
leading out from prison
with courage heaven sent

no worries for a moment
the world sees only father
with patient understanding
they'll overcome together
as knowledge rises in the wind
time gives and then collapses
mother father you and me
complete the souls synapses

Awesome Discoveries

2009-05-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

A story about the first woman Episcopal Bishop in Utah. Carolyn Irish Tanner.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,595045756,00.html?pg=1

And France Davis, Reverend of First Cavalry Baptist Church in Salt Lake City

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,450017072,00.html

Luxury of Doubt

2009-05-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

If you are like me you haven't considered the fact that we live in a motherless household. The management of our homes is expected to be conducted by men. Ages 12 and older. The irony of this is that a woman usually reminds the man of his various management duties. So what is that all about? If women are leaders why are they hidden in this way?
If we have a mother in Heaven, why am I afraid to recognize her as a source of wisdom and guidance, enough to seek for her influence in my life. Saying that feminine traits are somehow more sacred and spiritual than masculine traits and religious access to her should be hidden from a mortal child's view, makes no sense. If feminine traits are more sacred and spiritual than masculine traits, isn't that exactly what the world needs to move into a state of peace or millenial reign?

Revelation doesn't come until someone asks a question. Where is the influence of a woman in revelations that come through masculine religious leadership? Are they behind the men reminding them of what to include in their prayers? Is that truly what God desires for me, a woman in his kingdom? To be a man's reminderer? Isn't that what alarm clocks are for? And those get knocked to the floor.

Where is my father? Where is my mother? I have stopped playing and started listening to the deafening silence. With little effort, I easily find father. In another room, but he is there. But mother is missing. And someone desperately doesn't want me to talk about or find the mother that was lost. I don't attribute that desire to any human on the earth. We have all been robbed. Some, like me, were born into this poverty and have known nothing else. I understand and can forgive those who lead with as much honesty as was given them in earthly society. There is an irony however. Every woman born is another testimony against us that mother is there. I am a woman. That means that Mother is alive. Mother is involved. And with those testimonies, we are asked to bring her back to her rightful place beside the father.

Lines from Emily Dickinson express the panic that can accompany the realization of any truth.

Twas like a Maelstrom, with a notch,
That nearer, every Day,
Kept narrowing its boiling Wheel
Until the agony

Toyed coolly with the final inch
Of your delirious Hem-
And you dropt lost,
When something broke-
And let you from a Dream-

As if a Goblin with a Gauge-
Kept measuring the Hours-
Until you felt your Second
Weigh, helpless, in his Paws--

And not a Sinew-stirred--could help,
And sense was setting numb-
When God-remembered-and the fiend
Let go, then, Overcome-

As if your Sentence stood-pronounced-
and you were frozen led
From Dungeon's luxury of Doubt
To Gibbets, and the Dead-

And when the Film had stitched your eyes
A Creature gasped "Reprieve"!
Which Anguish was the utterest-then-
To perish, or to live?

It is difficult for me to admit that Mother in Heaven lives! If she lives, why am I not allowed to think of her, or to imagine her presence. I feel it would be disapproved of for me to even mention her absence beside the Father. Partially, because her behind the scenes presence has been so taken for granted as to be unnaccounted for in her ability to lead, guide and walk beside the father in comforting and guiding, receiving and answering the prayers of their children. The only women my religion gives me to thank and emulate are human. And yet, my heart would leap to think that I do have a mother in heaven who cares for me as father and brother care for me. And yet, I am asked kindly, not to worship her along with father, the sole creator of all? It is an agony I do not understand.

Music

2009-04-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

http://www.cmt.com/videos/unplugged/kieran-kane-kevin-welch-fats-kaplin/99751/i-cant-wait.jhtml

Soul Train

2009-04-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

Soul Train

Here I come. Union specific of body. Desire of thought. Don't know about soul. But that's the grate train I came on. Destination earth. Googled-to Richfield Utah. At least-that's what others-named the place. Intelligence-outside of creation. I was. Taking on a challenge I hadn't known...but which others-had named. So, there I was, like shredded carrots in a bowl of green jello-

Placed immediately-in the fridge-to set. Thinking I might be a delight to some, I tried to arrange my several pieces-into a kaleidescopic pattern. Orange bits struggling to bring aesthetic design to a quick thickening substance. This wasn't working.

When we came to the table, I shivered. What had been confining and cold, was now ever so slightly releasing its hold, and restoring a sense of watery warmth. In hope, I tried to resume the intentioned design, only to be distracted-by appreciation, in varying degree. At the end of the day I lay exposed and confused in a puddle of green, watery sugar.

Just having a little poetry fun. whatdo ya think?

Relationships

2009-04-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about a sweet daughter and son-in-law. And something I may have passed on to her. Which I regret. I want to speak up now, for still we are here. Perhaps. Today, I read on a blog out there.....parenting is too important to leave to chance and too important to be approached defensively or by reaction.

But that is what I taught you. Our love relationships with ourselves, our parents, our friends, our children, nature, creative forces, they are the same. Didn't I instill this in your heart and mind? Warning: Relationships ahead. Approach defensively, reactively.

On a human level, that is what was given to me and I obediently followed that advice and have passed it on to you fully expecting that you will obey it too. But thankfully, humans are not the only ones who have access to our hearts, that is if we consider the transcendant. I respect the turning away from the God of imperfect men. It is one step towards knowing. Then I must consider how I would influence. Stay with imperfection? Stay with men? Stay with God? Stay with Respect. Stay with turning. Stay.

I was 24 when this poem reached my heart. Not completely, but in part. At a time of choice, a time to turn, a time to listen, not to spurn. Words that gently soothed my soul, it whispered where I longed to go. And even though the way is long the winding road and soulful song kept me secured like gravity in leaden feet. Through depression no retreat. Reminder that would urge me on assigned delay with trauma bond.

For this daughter. I too walked the way of confusion in relationships. Would that you did not have to.

Dressed In White

Life is filled with distractions.
Pivot points.
Paradoxes.
Periodic impasses.

I try to leave my troubled thoughts by walking.
But even the twilight air,
Cold and crisp,
Cannot resolve the war of words
Within my mind.

There is a padded softness
In the crunching snow.

Muffled sounds.
Mingled thoughts.
Muted tones.
Massive tree trunks—I follow them upward
Trying to express a wordless prayer,

And through a network of numberless branches
I see a puzzled sky.

I wonder.

I wait.

Silently I turn
And follow the meandering trail of solitary footsteps
Across the deepening snow.

The earth seems simple
Dressed in white.
Serene and grandly dignified—reminding me
Of sacred ties.
And templed thoughts trickle through my mind
Thawing for a moment
My icy indifference.

The world is simple dressed in white.

The snow becomes a blanket of warmth.
And wrapped in it
I head for home.

Roger Bushman

children

2009-04-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

From all the jails the boys and girls
Ecstatically leap-
Beloved only afternoon
That prison doesn't keep

They storm the earth and stun the air,
A mob of solid bliss-
Alas-That frowns should lie in wait
For such a foe as this-

Emily Dickinson

Possibility

2009-04-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

I dwell in possibility-
A fairer house than prose-
More numerous of windows-
Superior for doors-

Of chambers as the cedars-
Impregnable of eye-
And for the everlasting roof
The gambrels of the sky-

Of visitors-the fairest-
For occupation-this-
The spreading wide my narrow hands
To gather paradise-

Emily Dickinson

Faith

2009-04-24T06:57:00.000-07:00

Faith is a fine invention
When gentlemen can see-
But microscopes are prudent
In an emergency

Emily Dickinson

Truth

2009-04-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

Tell the truth but tell it slant-
Success in circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm delight
The truth's superb surprise
As lightening to the children eased
With explanation kind
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind-

Patience

2009-04-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

To learn the transport by the pain-
As blind men learn the sun!
To die of thirst-suspecting
That brooks in meadows run!

To stay the homesick-homesick feet
Upon a foreign shore-
Haunted by the native lands, the while-
And blue-beloved air!

This is the sovereign anguish!
This-the signal woe!
These are the patient "Laureates"
Whose voices-trained-below-

Ascend in ceaseless Carol-
Inaudible, indeed,
To us-The duller scholars
Of the mysterious bard!

Emily Dickinson

Two Adorable First Graders

2009-04-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

Saydi and her friend Bell are singing in the school talent show this year. They will be singing 'You are my sunshine'. Originally Bell was going to tryout by herself, but she was too scared, so Saydi volunteered to sing with her. They made it through two auditions and into the final program. Saydi has taken charge in how she expects everything to be handled, from wearing a dress, to having the dress at school for rehearsals and deciding to wear her crocs without socks!! Haha. The dress is pink, cute and the crocs are blue with multicolored swirls. We compromised on how many ribbon ponytail holders would go in her hair. We settled on pink and yellow. She wanted to add blue and orange too. Maybe I'll run more interference and take some pink socks to school. Do you think she will wear them?

Embrace This Day

2009-04-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

"In the time of my membership in the Church, I have grown to understand that this is the most important priority in our lives. When we are filled with the Holy Spirit we will not sin. We will be filled with wisdom, and we will be able to have the fruits to heal the wounds of the afflicted and to build a community of Saints. It is also obvious that without constant efforts, it will be very difficult to always be focused on our most righteous desires. Therefore, I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts:

Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.

When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.

In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take.

First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don't permit anything to detract you from this awareness.

You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ.

Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul.

Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church.

God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve.

God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us--everything will fall into its place.

Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin.

When you cannot love someone, look into that person's eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him.

Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges.

If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.

Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts.

Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship.

Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction.

You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do.

The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it.

Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.

And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.

Surprise blessings

2009-04-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

I decided to visit a friend who I only know from church. She just had heart surgery and the word was out that she was home and taking visitors. So, I hopped on my bike and ran over to the local Jolley's drugstore to buy a treat and a flower pot (on sale). Then bike over to the local Twigs flower shop to have the owner arrange a double pink lily in the flowerpot. Then up to my friend to visit. The weather is perfect just after spring rain. Greg is working from home and the kids were left with instructions to finish doing the dishes while I was gone. I was totally caught off guard with her reply when I inquired of my friend who were her neighbors. She said that her neighbors were two gay guys. The guys have been together for a little over 20 years. They have always called them 'the girls'. I asked if she had told them about that and she and her daughter laughed and said 'oh no'. Both guys lived there until two weeks ago when one of them died from heart failure when he was on a trip to Egypt with his father. After expressing their sadness for their neighbors loss, they went on to say that the corner house next to them just sold to another gay couple. I was pleased to talk of such wonderful things, and my friend asked, 'Are there alot of gays in Sugarhouse?' That made me smile. She also said that her hairdresser is gay. I feel so happy to be part of open discussions of gays. This is the subject history has presented to us (as Carol Lynn Pearson puts it) and I have to say I am always pleasantly surprised to find the opportunities are abundant. I so want to be part of these changes for love and inclusion. I went away from our visit blessed to hear the thoughts of acceptance, love and compassion that this family expressed for their neighbors.

It just surprises me to hear the feelings and stories embedded in the hearts of people. I really feel something truly special is happening.

How Soap Operas came to be

2009-04-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

So, I've been dealing with some trauma bonds. It's this awesome thing you can do when you want to figure out why you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. What you do is think about how the current stress mirrors a past stress. Then you identify the under 'lying' problem of the original stress. Then you reparent yourself by saying 'gee, that's a nasty boo boo, do you want a bandaid and a hug?' Then you grieve long enough to feel better and then you are free from that trauma bond. Warning: Side effects include strong reactions from key family members when you vacillate in your resolve. This can cause a repeat of the trauma bond at which point you may have enough material to submit to a TV station for a soap opera.

Home Improvement

2009-04-11T14:03:00.000-07:00

Greg was putting in a new wood door for our bedroom. He chiseled out places for the hinges. Mckay came in to look over Greg's work and commented how he almost thought that Greg ruined the door by chiseling those spots. Greg quickly offered the insight that you have to do that for the hinges to have a place, but Mckay was right on it and said "yeah, I realized that" hahaha

Gardening

2009-04-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

So I was weeding the strawberry patch and heard this little voice calling "A little help here, a little help here" I looked around and saw Mckay in the middle of a nose dive on his bike. His leg was caught and he was struggling to keep himself from falling completely over. I ran down from the terrace to help and got there just as he fell over. In falling he was able to free his leg. So I scooped him up and held him while he cried and caught his breath.

2009-04-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

Mckay's funnies
Greg and I have been attending a class that explores human sexuality. I was completing an assignment to make a clay sculpture representation of my sexuality. As I was working on it Mckay asked what I was doing. I told him I was making a sculpture to share with the class. He said, how can you share it? If you share it you have to rip it up into pieces. Haha. In some ways that description matches exactly how I have felt sometimes.

2009-03-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

Sharing Beliefs
I came across an idea from the Dali Lama. He talked about how we justify leaving one religion for another by finding fault with the religion that we are leaving. He believes it is better to avoid doing that because the religion you are leaving is important to many others who still practice that religion. We respect the religion of others as we respect our own. Fabulous idea. I have a few questions about my religion and I have been tempted to complain or point out the paradoxical nature of certain aspects. It can get out of balance quickly. I'm glad to be reminded that negative energy towards anything promotes a negative outcome. Questions are welcome. Questions that don't include an assumption but rather an openess to the answer. Questions such as these, padded with positive energy can only lead to wonderful discoveries.

2009-03-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Relationships
Well, insight came from Mckay. He is one year older than Jaden and has been struggling to have a friendly relationship with her. Today his innate kindness shown through. He announced that from now on he is going to share his special things with Jaden. For example he told me that his bike is special, but he will let Jaden ride it sometime. He also said that anything he has that is special is something he will share from now on. I laughed and thought his gesture was sweet. So I asked him why and he said so she won't cry. And that touched me even more and I asked him why he doesn't want her to cry and he said because it makes her feel bad. And when I asked why he doesn't want her to feel bad, he laughed and said mom, can you stop asking such silly questions?

2009-03-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

Learning from those who are different
Saydi and I attended a book signing and lecture by Mormon Women. Emma Lou Thanye was one of the speakers. I loved her comment that she has learned so much from others who are unlike herself. She also doesn't think of herself as a role model or example because she just is who she is. Catherine Stokes said that she doesn't think of herself as having courage because if you have courage you know you are being courageous. She says she just does what she feels she needs to do. Another woman from connecticut said she was told that there were alot of sterotypical women in Utah, but that she has never met one because everyone she has met has a story that doesn't fit the stereotypical model. I asked a question about whether they believe mormon women can create solutions for love and inclusion of our gay and lesbian loved ones in the church. Sister Stokes said she feels it is a civil rights question and we can be accepting. Sister Thayne said she feels we should listen to others and welcome them with love into our circle. She emphasized the fact that everyone has a story. I want to note what I am thinking. It is the children of the church who need to be taught to accept themselves. It is when you are a child that you realize you may be different. What can we create to develop self acceptance in gospel terms. What would Jesus do.

After the meeting I spoke with two moms and we talked about our role as women in the church and these issues. Each of them also knew gay and lesbian loved ones. I was encouraged that people really do care. We are just stuck not really knowing if we need to be or not. Some think we have all the answers we need. Some, like me, think we are standing at the door to the heart and Christ is inviting us to knock and enter. I believe upon entering we will find our loved ones embraced by his love and light. And we will be welcomed if we wish to be.

2009-03-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

Days for Work and Play
It's another nice spring day. We took the kids to Westminster Park after school. We played checkers, and ball and raced from tree to tree. Greg came over later. Some girls from Emerson Elementary were there for a little while. One of the girls asked Saydi if she went to Emerson Elementary. I think that inspired Chandler to climb a tree in the area that they were swinging.Then he came over and told us he was climbing trees to toughen up his feet. Smile.

2009-03-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

Fire Starter
Greg is downloading some songs to a pen drive. He is doing it to surprise his sister tomorrow. It's her birthday and we are sharing dinner with their family. I'm so touched. It is sweet to me that he would do that for her.

2009-03-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

Days for work and play
I spent a few hours at the park with Mckay and Saydi today. We played several games of checkers on the picnic tables. We shared a carmel and some yummy lunch things. Then waited until we had the park to ourselves and played fox and geese by making paths to follow in the shredded bark. We took turns being the gox and geese and roasting eachother for dinner. Saydi and Mckay invited me to dinner at the Manchala. They cooked fish and made orange manchala pickle icecream. Our imaginations ran wild. We raced eachother from tree to tree. The kids took turns spinning in the spinning bowl. Greg came along on his bike. He was making a trip to home depot to get wire and such for the row covers we are setting up in the garden. Earlier I spent some time serving at the Jordan River temple. It was very busy. On the way home I bought some straw to compost our garden. Chandler spent most of the day playing badmitton with his friends. We finally headed home from the park when Mckay needed a bathroom break. We got home and Greg set up the garden covers while I vaccuumed the car from the straw bales and then I went shopping for food and marshmellows. We roasted the marshmellows over the stove burners in the kitchen.

2009-03-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

Discoveries
In his book 'Musichophilia' Oliver Sacks demonstrates the personal meaning that comes from living in the present. He discovers the capabilities of different kinds of memory in his work with Clive. An amnesiac. Clive was an accomplished musician before his brain impairment. His ability to remember was restricted to 3 seconds at a time. He would repeatedly think he was alive for the first time but not be able to remember in context to the past or the future. He could not remember that he was repeating the comment that he was alive. With the help of his wife, who had to show him written music pieces or sing to him, he was able to play sing and conduct music the same way he had before his injury. But he could not think to look for the music or think to sing it for himself. Oliver Sacks states. 'It may be possible that Clive, incapable or remembering or anticipating events because of his amnesia, is able to sing and play and conduct music because remembering music is not remembering at all. Remembering music, listening to it, or playing it, is entirely in the present.

The hearing of a melody is a hearing with the melody.....it is even a condition of hearing melody that the tone present at the moment should fill consciousness entirely, that nothing should be remembered, nothing except it or beside it be present in consciousness.......hearing a melody is hearing, having heard and being about to hear, all at once. Every melody declares to us that the past can be there without being remembered, the future without being foreknown.

His wife Deborah wrote "Clive's at homeness in his music and in his love for me are where he transcends amnesia and finds continuum--not the linear fusion of moment after moment, nor based on any framework of authobiographical information, but where Clive, and any of us, are finally, where we are who we are.

2009-03-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

Comings and Goings
I attended a memorial service for a friend from our church group. I am deeply moved by our existence. She truly cared about each person she spoke with. She was a listener. Each life that touches ours for good reflects the mercy of a loving parent.

2009-03-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

Stories
Mckay came running into the kitchen with a book in hand saying "I really can read". He has been reading for a while. Sometimes I could tell he was reading by guessing. Tonight he surprised himself and made that transition. I love watching him discover new things about himself.

2009-03-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

Days for work and play
Chandler is dog sitting today. While his friends are out of town. He brought Sophie over for a while to play. Mckay and Saydi loved petting her. Responsibilities help us enjoy growing and discovering.

2009-03-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

Fire Starter
Saydi wrote invitations for Mckay and Jaden to come to the trampoline for a party. Mckay was soooo excited. They had a party of writing notes to eachother.This warms my heart to see the children caring for each other spontaneously.

2009-03-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

Welcome
Welcome to our circle of wagons. I hope you find that this is a circle big enough to love you. Our goal is to move safely together on a journey of discovery. To learn in faith to love ourselves so that we might more fully love each other.