in studying the differing viewpoints, considering my own feelings and perceptions, i've still concluded that i feel very much like i did when my brothers were considering killing eachother as they chased eachother around the house like maniacs. My first reaction was to believe they were really serious in their intent. and second i bought into the idea that if they saw me kneeling on the floor crying, and begging them to stop then of course they would stop. right? I'm not sure i've really grown out of that gut reaction. it doesn't take much to tune in to the debate of individuals and organizations involved in same-sex marriage/opposite-sex marriage/civil rights/religious freedom activities. Having a pre-disposition toward OCD, and self-doubt, I have not as yet, tapped into an effective and creative way of handling my awareness of the conflict. I have considered the easy option of tuning out. But there is a new generation of children who don't hold the frustrations and biases that I hold and I am in a position to teach them something. That responsibility is the single largest reason I keep listening, well......that and my OCD habit.

Up until now, full participation in the LDS church has been my single most spiritual and creative outlet in dealing with (well.....maybe creatively ignoring) the awareness of human conflict and suffering. As long as I had access to a laminator and a 24 hour Kinkos I didn't really need to listen that closely when 4yr old Adam says 'when I grow up, my mom says I HAVE to marry a girl' or when 5yr old Tristan says 'I told my mom I want to marry a boy when I grow up and she told me I couldn't'.

The loving heart of a Heavenly Father and (supposed) Mother who see me as I really am and fully understand my potential quickly dissolves into a distracting vision of all the important men in my life (husband, son, neighbor, brother, father, bishop, stake president, quorum of the 12, prophet) expressing multiple opinions. It is so hard to focus on what Heavenly parents would wish for me when I see and feel the piercing silence of this conflict and its influence on my life.

So, do I embrace both the conflict and the church?. Can the church continue to be a spiritual and creative resource for me in coping with this particular conflict? What does paradox demand of me today? Greg asked me what I was going to do today. I said, "make sure the kids get home from school" anything else is extra.

cool things happen. this is one of them. http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_13758070
I am so happy that actual live human beings were able to express this. I thought the LDS church was leaving this up to God to figure out for another place and another time, so I was resigned to wait. But, here is the proof that the answers for equality are in human minds and hearts right here, right now. I am moved by this. Whoever was able to put across the fact that this is not about creating a special class of people since we all have a sexual orientation and gender. Nice job in the creation of serious friendships among different people with different perspectives. Nice example of 'faithing' the impossible.

just another day

the weather has been unusually nice. we planted a tree in the parking strip. i have been trying to finish making the apple juice. we still have tons of apples. Greg's mom passed on last weekend. It has only been 4 months since his father died. His mom didn't seem like she was ready to go, but one day she just decided she was going and it was only 2 weeks later that she went. We are happy that she is now free from the constraints of life in a wheelchair and the pain she had to endure. But i Wish they had been able to stay a little longer. We miss them alot. Tomorrow is the memorial service for her. This has been a difficult year for everyone. Today I walked with Saydi and Mckay to the library. Mckay is into the Henry and Mudge series. Saydi read a stack of books but didn't check any out to take home. I have a few more things to do in applying to be a substitute teacher. i hope this will be a good change for me.

before i get it

in all of the learning and listening and considering of life and its many experiences, Greg has come across a couple of places in internet land that have given us another perspective to consider. http://www.staylds.com/ Greg has been on this site before and kept me from certain madness as I spend far too much energy trying to figure things out within our external social and religious environment. finally, i read a few things there for the first time. there are definitely some valid points to consider. Keeping life in balance helps. Even when there are no seemingly fair answers, seeking too hard multiplies the difficulty for me. One thing I agree with, at least I can see it applies in my situation, is the idea that while orthodoxy has helped me survive certain experiences, seeing it out of context is an impairment to my ability to thrive. I don't mean to throw the rules out the window. I mean to calmly understand why the rules are there in the first place. I am reminded of art classes where the teacher advised that we first learn the principles of art and the rules of discipline before we could fully appreciate and adequately direct our raw ability to create. And that some of the best creators of art knew how to effectively break those rules in astounding ways. Picasso was always a favorite example of theirs. Van Gogh was one of my personal favorites. I will probably always struggle with when to pull the rip cord to my creative abilities, but at least I am understanding better the relationship between the two. They are kind of necessary companions. I am getting to a point where I can accept that. Knowing me though, I will probably hit the ground several times before I really get it.

occupational inspiration

saydi was inspired as to her future occupation. a few days ago while crossing the street to school under the direction of the crossing guard, the children escaped certain death from a lady speeding through the intersection. as speeder closed in on the group, the crossing guard jumped forward and let out a scream and holler that Saydi had never heard before. She was very impressed. that was the first time she had seen the crossing guard in defensive action. As we calmed down and finished the walk to school, Saydi told me her observations and said, that's what I could be when I grow up. I said you mean a crossing guard? and she said yes! and I laughed at the instant realization of what she meant and asked 'why, because you can scream?" and she said Yup!!

i dont need much.

haircuts. walks in the rain. to notice my breath on a cold morning. to hold a chicken. to wash a stray dog before returning it to its owner. to have giggle fests with joseph. simplicity. awareness bordering on thankfulness for things that were. acceptance that borders on appreciation for things that are. dreams bordering on reality for what can be. to hold my fellow beings in my heart. to notice them. to listen to them. with faith and love to do all that is possible to achieve the impossible.

nothing much to say

enjoying the gifts of family. getting kids settled in school and wondering about how i'm doing as a parent. trying to make gardening connections and realizing more of the fullness of life. each small step toward understanding love is encouraging. someone recently told me they believe that true love should never justify an act of love just because it 'feels good'........so would an act of love be justified just because it 'feels bad'? There is a subtle difference between a good feeling and feeling good. and a bad feeling and feeling bad. But here is something else. Enjoyable physical responses (attractions, both sexual and non-sexual) are separate from our choice to create a nurturing environment for those attractions to be lovingly shared with others. Those responses and environment is unique for every person.

The first commandment is to love God and the second to love ourselves and others. Loving others as ourselves first takes noticing what even makes us who we are. How did we develop our attractions and desires to share our lives with others? Why would we think to deny that same process and gift to those whose only difference is that they are same-sex attraced? As opposite sex attracted individuals we allow ourselves a lifetime to understand our own sexual attractions. In fact it is socially acceptable and expected and somewhat necessary that we will date, marry and raise families before completely understanding our sexuality, but we accuse same sex attracted individuals of not understanding their sexuality as a reason to deny them socially equal opportunities to date, marry and have families with an adult of their choosing.

If the answer is in loving others as ourselves, then we must do that.