Just thinking of friends coming and going throughout my life. facebook has given me opportunities to reconnect with friends from the past, present and future........I kind of wanted to dedicate this page to some of my hopes and dreams. I want my friends and family to know that I do have hopes and dreams. with a bit of a wish for the heavenly things all tied up in there somewhere. sometimes I feel too much of what it means to hear weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth as a good part of my life is lived in a mental state much like the crazy woman in the story of Jane Eyre..... before i dwell on that too much, i want to say how nice it is to experience nature. outdoors. listening to the cheerful sounds of children making their own fun. trying to come up with the perfect approach to having important discussions with them about morals and values of respect, love and friendship. walking home from school, reading stories and bedtime, working together on chores, taking a walk outside are all great times to talk with the kids. so what about my hopes and dreams? All tied up in change. the most consistent thing about my life has been change. changing body, relationships, dwelling places, changing awareness. TBC

learning something about things in the present that trigger remembering of stressful unresolved issues of the past. tonight i was taking my turn doing kitchen duty. i had a trigger moment so i went in the other room to talk with Greg. there is always this urgency to my voice when i have these moments. as we talked and listened it came down to realizing that i was reacting to a time when i was 20 years old. married, had a child, living with parents apart from husband who lived in another state. We had made decisions not to accrue any kind of debt whatsoever, and as a result I was left to live in an abusive situation (abuse was happening to me from my father) for another 14 months. At the time I believed my husband was responsible for providing a way for me to come live with him. I did consider my father another resource and asked several times for his help only to hear him say horrible things about my husbands inability to care for me and that i would be better off staying where i was. At the time those are the only choices I believed I had. Eventually, my husband found a way to pay for me to leave, but I never resolved the emotional stress that situation caused for me.........fast forward to today. I use certain situations in my life to recreate these feelings of being held hostage against my will and outside of my ability to do anything about it. I've pretty much been doing that for all these years. Situations have changed over the years but in all of them I have found some capacity to perpetuate essentially the same story. While it is embarrassing to realize the ridiculous lengths my mind and life has gone to perpetuate the hostage story, it is also a relief to realize and say that's what's been happening. The best thing i can do about it now is to first, weep. cry. accept the insanity of the abusive situation. and then say no more fooling around with it. Breathe and love. Let the love for myself come in and let the shame and guilt disappear like uninvited guests to my lifes party. I have hurt others in certain situations where I have used others and their lives to a certain point to recreate the story, for that I am truly regretful, but I have seen those people move on, some in very happy and productive ways. It is nice to finally feel the possibilities of that for myself.

saw part of fiddler at hale center theatre. went with susan and came back at intermission. very powerful message there. about traditions. about following your heart. overcoming the social pressure to make decisions that are contrary to your hearts desire.....so, coming home from st. george. Spent the week relaxing with the younger two and taking care of Joseph. I spent some moments trying to notice the unsaid social expectations of men and womens roles. trying to notice if and when those expectations were apparent. (I am waiting for Elaine to lend me her book on sociolinguistics....the study of communications between people of different gender, age, social status, and ethnic background, etc.) i have to say that my awareness of LGBT issues has greatly expanded my ability to acknowledge the presence of a collective social conscious. that was something I rarely considered before. Now I have questions as to how and why societies decide to establish certain traditions.I also desire to understand more fully the history of social attitudes toward those things that differentiate us from eachother.

Lindsay asked me what profound lesson I learned during the week I was there. the cutest one I learned was how Joseph communicates his love and interest in the world and people around him. i loved it when was holding him and he would turn his head around and catch my eye and then look ahead again, but he kept doing it several times like he was playing peek-a-boo or something and had just the cutest little smile about it. soooo sweet. However.......by far the most profound and funniest was that I need to remember to take a hammer next time I go. The only place I could find for a private conversation with Greg was to go to Joseph's room after the kids were asleep. I totally forgot about the baby monitor. It is one of those things I will probably never forget or live down. ah well. I won't soon forget Greg's horrified scream when I told him that Lindsay just announced that the baby monitor was working a little too well! hahaha.

today was awesome to be subbing again. the kids were great! they tried really hard to do their best! It was really nice to walk home with Saydi. She usually complains on the way home, but we just talked and goofed around this time. it was fun!!

Welcome

I wanted to repost this welcome to some recently invited people to this post. Welcome to our circle of wagons. I hope you find that this is a circle big enough to love you. Our goal is to move safely together on a journey of discovery. To learn in faith to love ourselves so that we might more fully love each other. That through love, we come to know that heaven is within each of us.

We heard House Representative Christine Johnson speak tonight. she spoke about the progress on the non-discrimination laws. Listening to her helps me put even more pieces into perspective. I realize how I am my own worst enemy. Keeping myself worried and fearful that I truly care about LGBT issues. She is an example of earned security. She seems very authentic and true to herself. She has helped to demystify the perceptions some people have about LGBT people. LGBT people have been very fortunate to have her in the senate working on equality for all. She encouraged me to get involved in developing peer relationships with leaders and lawmakers which can continue to help demystify perceptions. I think I need to understand more about what the perceptions are and where they originate. I also want to understand the high school scene. I want to know how the younger kids are dealing with these issues. After the meeting, we were really happy to meet a graduate student from BYU who shared a little of his coming out at BYU with us. He is not in a relationship with anyone and desires to stay in the church. He said in coming out he was received with alot of support and love from friends, as well as his Bishop and honor code officials at BYU. It was heartening to hear his story. We laughed and smiled alot while we realize this is just the beginning for him, we know he will have much more difficult things to face as his life offers its opportunities. hopefully we can keep in touch with him. He was very cute......he was telling us how he wishes we could meet his mom!! My mommy heart gets all protective cause his heart and countenance is happy and sweet right now. I hope he will have the rights, opportunities and honest support that he needs to keep it that way. This is the kind of stuff that gets my brain and heart wanting so much to get it right. I don't want to hear of one more suicide from these dear people. If I can do something to speak up that will support them in feeling the love of God in their life, I want to do that. Same way I felt when I saw the kids in gold underpants at the pride parade last year. That put me in tears. Why would religious families go so far as to deny their children love, and listening and the promise that we will work on solutions together. why do we leave them to parade in their gold underwear to get our attention when all it would take is humility, faith and willingness on our part to hear a few things we may not think we want to hear, but once we do, the spirit will say something.

this one is gonna be ugly. I'll try to put it into poetry form so it isn't so difficult to bear.

my brain is jumbled when i try to pray
all i hear is the static between the channels.
no clear connection
paradox of life
when every dear belief
is methodically plucked away.
the beauty changes from its original form
still beautiful, but scattered
as rose petals
having been an extension of thought to one who only asks
am i loved, am i not, am i loved, am i not.......
can i love, can i not, can i love, can i not.......
are roses of more worth, either way?
or are they simply what they are
a tool of inspiration, a thought, consideration,
and repetitive emotion.
i see the hand of its creation
so why does my heart rage?

i saw her the other day
its been so many years
i thought the pain was all gone
just seeing her made my heart weep
a rose for her
a welcome to my heart
she is dragging out these heaps of baggage
oh crap,
how do i tell her
how do i tell her
that stuff is not going to fit in the car.
there she sits, distractedly nerdy Junie B. Jones type,
on top of this ridiculous heap of garbage
insisting that i must make it fit.
fallen rose petals slowly decorate the heap
around her feet with each
am i loved, am i not, am i loved, am i not.......
can i love, can i not, can i love, can i not......

she is there
but who is going to tell her
its you i like,
its you i like,
its not the garbage heap you sit on
its not the baggage that you bring
its you i like

I have been going through some difficult, painful rememberings. but oh so necessary to the restoration of wholeness.

My celebration

She had become invisible.
It took precise,
consistent effort over the years
To keep her hidden.
She waited patiently
Until solid walls
were replaced with small windows
and later
Doors that would,
As if by magic,
graciously open
and shut,
only too quickly
Before she could realize
What was intended.

Peace
She knew it was peace
Only because it felt
different
physically different
from fear.
She knew it had been fear
Only because it felt different
physically different
from peace.

They came as if on sunbeams,
Lovely, fairy-like creatures
Joining her.
They would hide with her
And play,
Bringing flowers.
Begging her to teach them
a new game.
Nothing boring would do.

The mirror still held no reflection.
Night brought rememberings of pain.
She lashed out at the tiny creatures
When they would ask to play
She placed them in a corner
Until she could no longer hold a frown
For the love that they inspired.
And once more
She considered the meaning of
The door.

This time she opened it
Deliberate in hope
Willing, even
Without mirrored reflection.
Telling only of fear and peace
Not knowing
How love would respond.
For a time
The room was flooded with light
though darkened corners held the secrets
still.

The creatures come and go now,
Quieting the days
Until their returns
To fill the empty room
With silly pranks
And loving laughter
Still peace.
So,
Safe now,
She could speak.

More intensely
at the comings and goings.
Grieving,
Weeping,
Telling,
Letting Go,
Receiving the embrace
Of a kind and gentle heart
Hers,
Reflected in his face.

We didn't know what peace could bring
from depths unknown until
awakened from the sleepy dream
to love clearly reflected