Don't really wanna write another post. but gonna anyway. i am attempting a change in my eating habits. trying to look at food for fuel. mildly vegetarian diet. we will see. Prolly a little meat here and there. my clothes definitely fit better already. i feel better. i have eaten a couple of sweet things (licorice taffy and a cupcake) and can tell immediately that they aren't happy choices. i can feel the immediate energy suck. being aware of this is a good thing. i feel more in touch with what is going on for me on the physical level. How about emotions and food? Well that is big for me. I feel its possible that i am now going through withdrawls emotionally because i used to eat to avoid dealing head on with emotional opportunities. So feeling a little overwhelmed there. got a little time alone though while Greg and others are out swimming. i probably would do better swimming, but feeling like i am needing a little space to understand these changes in how I have processed emotions.

I did enjoy the PTA luncheon. I loved the opportunity to talk with the other board members. Only one of which is Male and he is the principal of the school. I would like to see an equal division of members according to gender.I did read a write up in the Trib about someone address given to students at BYU, about men being more involved in PTA. I found the conclusive remarks clearly on the sexist side, but the topic is very timely. I will be on next years PTA board and hope to do my part in creating a gender equal PTA.

Another thing on my mind is a gender equal religious/spiritual leadership. Some days I feel sad that I have a greater awareness of gender inequality. Some days I feel angry that I have a greater awareness of gender inequality. Some days I feel the sun shining through and I am thankful for this awareness. Some days I want to move on and realize that moving on usually only means willingness to be aware and accept the gifts and opportunities of another moment. For either I spend my moments hating what happened, what might happen, or what is happening or I give my will to the moment and receive it for what it is. Presence is my gift to this moment. Further, the realization that my presence can define any given moment (for myself or for others) scares me. I'm not eager stepping up to that part of awareness. Avoidance and fear seem to give me temporary release from accepting my part in defining the moment, but, sigh, there is no sustainable way to hide the fact that I am just as much a part of any given moment as anyone or anything. So life asks of me my presence and my willingness to share the defining moments with others. Taking turns at defining. Taking turns at sharing space. Bowing and bending, harmonizing with fellow moment artisans. Like some big street jam. And the guys who are stuck in the fighting and confusion, you just keep harmonizing with the fearful cries until it is realized that we are all one melody.

I know this may sound weird, but if I was not taught gender equality by those who taught me of Heavenly Parents, and I know what it would mean to me to have both a father and mothers nightly interview, then perhaps the message is that gender inequality is a social construct. It is not a principle of love. If the only connection I have to a Heavenly mother is that I am also female then I am as much a part of her as she is of me. Maybe I could develop the leadership and loving abilities of a Mother in Heaven in a way that could bring an awareness of her back into our social and religious context. I feel like a little girl who is crying for her mother's comfort and the only comfort she gets is her fathers hands repeatedly reaching out, being placed on her head, blessing her, baptizing her, sealing her to her husband, counseling with her, interviewing her, a girl who is repeatedly asking for her mother and repeatedly being denied. This blows my mind to consider. darnit. I really love the LDS faith. I want this families together thing to work out. I just don't understand the helpfulness of focusing on Fathers as visible leaders and mothers as invisible leaders. Why are we singing praises weekly, offering daily and moment by moment prayers to our father and not our heavenly mother? But in our earthly families, we would never exclude our mother in that way. I'm just thinking. Hopefully I'm not bothering anyone by that.

reprieve
sometimes it feels like life gives reprieve from that which weighs heavy. perhaps in the form of strengthened muscles rather than less to bear. Nonetheless it can offer rest. in chatting with some friends at the library downtown, i tasted the fruits of having faith in love and life. nothing is perfect, and yet it really is. For all the gifts my life has given me, honest friends who are willing to shape and form their experiences into words for sharing. Imperfect words, incomplete sentences, unfinished paragraphs, perfectly shared. The sharing, perfects the words. Resulting in meaning deeply felt and heard. Honor, love, respect are the fruitful results of such social intercourse. Desire to share again, is ever present for who would not want to return to the bountiful garden once its live-giving gifts are discovered and enjoyed. Perhaps our meeting was a bit like experiencing the potential of Mary's garden in 'The Secret Garden'. Or as Ansel Adams conveyance of the stunning beauty and natural art of the wilderness. Who would not want the hope of having a bit of earth to tend. Or knowing that through ones deliberate act to respect and protect, one would then be given a lifetime to explore the pristine wilderness of the soul that dwells in each and every heart. I want to thank my family and friends for gathering in a way that these gifts of the soul could be shared.........and I can't wait to hear more. Love you guys.

3 immortal presents
by Sri Chinmoy

I have received three immortal presents
On life's Christmas tree:
Detachment-bud
Concern-flower
Love-fruit.

With the bud I shall begin
My self-inquiry.
With the flower I shall achieve
My self-discovery.
With the fruit I shall enjoy
My self-mastery.

by Sri Chinmoy


Because of its lack of wisdom,
A snake drinks milk
And emits poison.
Because of his vast wisdom,
A saint drinks poison
And offers milk.
This is wisdom in oneness,
Wisdom in perfection,
Wisdom in God-satisfaction.
All of us must act like a saint.


My ignorance thunders:
You are nothing, I am everything.
My knowledge declares:
You know something,
But I know much more.
My wisdom whispers:
You and I know nothing of everything
On earth,
And everything of nothing
In Heaven.

Just thinking of friends coming and going throughout my life. facebook has given me opportunities to reconnect with friends from the past, present and future........I kind of wanted to dedicate this page to some of my hopes and dreams. I want my friends and family to know that I do have hopes and dreams. with a bit of a wish for the heavenly things all tied up in there somewhere. sometimes I feel too much of what it means to hear weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth as a good part of my life is lived in a mental state much like the crazy woman in the story of Jane Eyre..... before i dwell on that too much, i want to say how nice it is to experience nature. outdoors. listening to the cheerful sounds of children making their own fun. trying to come up with the perfect approach to having important discussions with them about morals and values of respect, love and friendship. walking home from school, reading stories and bedtime, working together on chores, taking a walk outside are all great times to talk with the kids. so what about my hopes and dreams? All tied up in change. the most consistent thing about my life has been change. changing body, relationships, dwelling places, changing awareness. TBC

learning something about things in the present that trigger remembering of stressful unresolved issues of the past. tonight i was taking my turn doing kitchen duty. i had a trigger moment so i went in the other room to talk with Greg. there is always this urgency to my voice when i have these moments. as we talked and listened it came down to realizing that i was reacting to a time when i was 20 years old. married, had a child, living with parents apart from husband who lived in another state. We had made decisions not to accrue any kind of debt whatsoever, and as a result I was left to live in an abusive situation (abuse was happening to me from my father) for another 14 months. At the time I believed my husband was responsible for providing a way for me to come live with him. I did consider my father another resource and asked several times for his help only to hear him say horrible things about my husbands inability to care for me and that i would be better off staying where i was. At the time those are the only choices I believed I had. Eventually, my husband found a way to pay for me to leave, but I never resolved the emotional stress that situation caused for me.........fast forward to today. I use certain situations in my life to recreate these feelings of being held hostage against my will and outside of my ability to do anything about it. I've pretty much been doing that for all these years. Situations have changed over the years but in all of them I have found some capacity to perpetuate essentially the same story. While it is embarrassing to realize the ridiculous lengths my mind and life has gone to perpetuate the hostage story, it is also a relief to realize and say that's what's been happening. The best thing i can do about it now is to first, weep. cry. accept the insanity of the abusive situation. and then say no more fooling around with it. Breathe and love. Let the love for myself come in and let the shame and guilt disappear like uninvited guests to my lifes party. I have hurt others in certain situations where I have used others and their lives to a certain point to recreate the story, for that I am truly regretful, but I have seen those people move on, some in very happy and productive ways. It is nice to finally feel the possibilities of that for myself.

saw part of fiddler at hale center theatre. went with susan and came back at intermission. very powerful message there. about traditions. about following your heart. overcoming the social pressure to make decisions that are contrary to your hearts desire.....so, coming home from st. george. Spent the week relaxing with the younger two and taking care of Joseph. I spent some moments trying to notice the unsaid social expectations of men and womens roles. trying to notice if and when those expectations were apparent. (I am waiting for Elaine to lend me her book on sociolinguistics....the study of communications between people of different gender, age, social status, and ethnic background, etc.) i have to say that my awareness of LGBT issues has greatly expanded my ability to acknowledge the presence of a collective social conscious. that was something I rarely considered before. Now I have questions as to how and why societies decide to establish certain traditions.I also desire to understand more fully the history of social attitudes toward those things that differentiate us from eachother.

Lindsay asked me what profound lesson I learned during the week I was there. the cutest one I learned was how Joseph communicates his love and interest in the world and people around him. i loved it when was holding him and he would turn his head around and catch my eye and then look ahead again, but he kept doing it several times like he was playing peek-a-boo or something and had just the cutest little smile about it. soooo sweet. However.......by far the most profound and funniest was that I need to remember to take a hammer next time I go. The only place I could find for a private conversation with Greg was to go to Joseph's room after the kids were asleep. I totally forgot about the baby monitor. It is one of those things I will probably never forget or live down. ah well. I won't soon forget Greg's horrified scream when I told him that Lindsay just announced that the baby monitor was working a little too well! hahaha.

today was awesome to be subbing again. the kids were great! they tried really hard to do their best! It was really nice to walk home with Saydi. She usually complains on the way home, but we just talked and goofed around this time. it was fun!!