there are some amazing things to learn. to soak up just like the sun. to work on just like the yard. to show interest in just like the kids. to love just like people. Greg and I spent the evening with several mormon gay folks. we watched a movie called 'if the world were mine' we also met several people for the first time. we are soaking it in. broadening our understanding and love for others seemingly unlike us and yet we need them. because of these people i have considered things i never would have thought to consider on my own. how can i not be profoundly thankful for our differences.

spirituality

“A true spiritual teacher does not have anything to teach in the conventional sense of the word, does not have anything to give or add to you, such as new information, beliefs, or rules of conduct. The only function of such a teacher is to help you remove that which separates you from the truth…”

Eckhart Tolle

the new lawn looks fabulous. the strawberries are ready and so much fun to munch while jumping on the trampoline. I caught Saydi sitting in a pile of clover looking earnestly for four leaf clovers. she has found 3 so far and one day she found a 5 leaf clover. Saydi was so cute in her pink feet pajamas. heavens these kids are magical. elaine has been coming around more often. she is so sweet to spend personal time with each of the kids going on walk dates. greg is working on building a chicken coop for our next door neighbor. then we will share the eggs and care for the chickens. it is amazing. our neighbors name is Jim and he recently went blind. he is so determined to keep his life full of social activities and interest. so he suggested the chickens. Greg found some really cute plans on line. this thing has wheels and is easily dismantled and added onto. We are really looking forward to spending time with Jim this way. The flowers and herbs have bushed out this year. The raspberries and grapes are looking very productive.

fun stuff

i stitched up a cute little carry bag. our ward has ten babies coming before the end of the year. oops, 11 (someone is having twins). so i am busy making bags. they are turning out really cute. even Greg thinks so. that's saying something. hehe. this one is green and winnie the poohish colors. so today Mckay really wanted some cheddar cheese sunchips. i told him they cost $4 and that we needed to wait until we paid for the sod and dirt we ordered. Well, he set about finding $4 around the house. went right to my wallet and found a dollar. hehe. he was excited then cause he also found 40 cents on the floor he says. he showed me his money and I asked where he got it all. he admitted to getting the dollar from my wallet. good little boy. he is awesome. honesty is a good thing. anyway, he still didn't have enough. so he waited patiently for dad and the minute he got home he had him talked into going to the store to get some chips. mckay knows about those cards that work like money. haha. well, that was easy cause greg is a sucker for a kid who knows what he wants and gives greg an excuse to walk with them. so, mom's idea about waiting to get the sod was easily solved. They went to the store and mckay was happy as could be. he took his backpack and carried the chips all the way home.

On the way mckay said this is just a walk, not a hike. Then when they got to the store Greg complimented Mckay for walking all the way and asked if it felt like a hike and Mckay said oh no. a hike is much longer. you have to take a plane to get there and it's in Australia. haha.

Saydi was in the spelling bee. she was the first one out. she was nervous and spelled pretty, preety. she played hopscotch afterwards outside and was a really good jumper. then she chased her friend sidney around the playground for a while. these kids are cute!!

Jaden read The Cat in the hat today. she just repeated what I said, but she stuck with it for several pages. then she told her dad that she can read. its cute. she really wants to read like mckay. it'll happen.

Chandler is working on a weaving project. a bag for me. it's turning out nicely.

owies

okay. ouch. today i feel like i might do better in a mental ward. digging into past issues is treacherous. as is receiving the healing balm. I could use some of that. oh lets just have a big old sad party. privately today. Let's avoid the palooza style this time. This time i just need to feel my space. Imagine a place filled with sun and flowers where I can just let the sadness come in and make its cleansing sweep of the heart. Oh, oops, that is earth. I'm already there. It is a rather beautiful place to feel all of these emotions and make such interesting discoveries. there are a few people wanting me to succeed. i'm thankful today for the decisions eons ago to bless this place with sun and stars and moon, flowers and trees, animals, lindsays music on her blog, me, you, land, air and water. and fire. ouch. okay.

mother

just been thinking more about mother in heaven. the other day i tried to visualize her. all i came up with were brown arms. i guess the sense of the visualization were arms to comfort and sustain me. maybe it was from a discovery channel program on Queen Nefertiti. she made great decisions in her lifetime and she nurtured a few children as well. she had chariot races with her husband. sounds adventurous to me.

so for mothers day.......

mother in heaven

arms to comfort and sustain
wit and will to ease the pain
dancing singing playing too
dreams adventure living true
search my face for meaning
desire and intent
leading out from prison
with courage heaven sent

no worries for a moment
the world sees only father
with patient understanding
they'll overcome together
as knowledge rises in the wind
time gives and then collapses
mother father you and me
complete the souls synapses

Awesome Discoveries

A story about the first woman Episcopal Bishop in Utah. Carolyn Irish Tanner.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,595045756,00.html?pg=1


And France Davis, Reverend of First Cavalry Baptist Church in Salt Lake City

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,450017072,00.html

Luxury of Doubt

If you are like me you haven't considered the fact that we live in a motherless household. The management of our homes is expected to be conducted by men. Ages 12 and older. The irony of this is that a woman usually reminds the man of his various management duties. So what is that all about? If women are leaders why are they hidden in this way?
If we have a mother in Heaven, why am I afraid to recognize her as a source of wisdom and guidance, enough to seek for her influence in my life. Saying that feminine traits are somehow more sacred and spiritual than masculine traits and religious access to her should be hidden from a mortal child's view, makes no sense. If feminine traits are more sacred and spiritual than masculine traits, isn't that exactly what the world needs to move into a state of peace or millenial reign?

Revelation doesn't come until someone asks a question. Where is the influence of a woman in revelations that come through masculine religious leadership? Are they behind the men reminding them of what to include in their prayers? Is that truly what God desires for me, a woman in his kingdom? To be a man's reminderer? Isn't that what alarm clocks are for? And those get knocked to the floor.

Where is my father? Where is my mother? I have stopped playing and started listening to the deafening silence. With little effort, I easily find father. In another room, but he is there. But mother is missing. And someone desperately doesn't want me to talk about or find the mother that was lost. I don't attribute that desire to any human on the earth. We have all been robbed. Some, like me, were born into this poverty and have known nothing else. I understand and can forgive those who lead with as much honesty as was given them in earthly society. There is an irony however. Every woman born is another testimony against us that mother is there. I am a woman. That means that Mother is alive. Mother is involved. And with those testimonies, we are asked to bring her back to her rightful place beside the father.

Lines from Emily Dickinson express the panic that can accompany the realization of any truth.

Twas like a Maelstrom, with a notch,
That nearer, every Day,
Kept narrowing its boiling Wheel
Until the agony

Toyed coolly with the final inch
Of your delirious Hem-
And you dropt lost,
When something broke-
And let you from a Dream-

As if a Goblin with a Gauge-
Kept measuring the Hours-
Until you felt your Second
Weigh, helpless, in his Paws--

And not a Sinew-stirred--could help,
And sense was setting numb-
When God-remembered-and the fiend
Let go, then, Overcome-

As if your Sentence stood-pronounced-
and you were frozen led
From Dungeon's luxury of Doubt
To Gibbets, and the Dead-

And when the Film had stitched your eyes
A Creature gasped "Reprieve"!
Which Anguish was the utterest-then-
To perish, or to live?

It is difficult for me to admit that Mother in Heaven lives! If she lives, why am I not allowed to think of her, or to imagine her presence. I feel it would be disapproved of for me to even mention her absence beside the Father. Partially, because her behind the scenes presence has been so taken for granted as to be unnaccounted for in her ability to lead, guide and walk beside the father in comforting and guiding, receiving and answering the prayers of their children. The only women my religion gives me to thank and emulate are human. And yet, my heart would leap to think that I do have a mother in heaven who cares for me as father and brother care for me. And yet, I am asked kindly, not to worship her along with father, the sole creator of all? It is an agony I do not understand.