Luxury of Doubt

If you are like me you haven't considered the fact that we live in a motherless household. The management of our homes is expected to be conducted by men. Ages 12 and older. The irony of this is that a woman usually reminds the man of his various management duties. So what is that all about? If women are leaders why are they hidden in this way?
If we have a mother in Heaven, why am I afraid to recognize her as a source of wisdom and guidance, enough to seek for her influence in my life. Saying that feminine traits are somehow more sacred and spiritual than masculine traits and religious access to her should be hidden from a mortal child's view, makes no sense. If feminine traits are more sacred and spiritual than masculine traits, isn't that exactly what the world needs to move into a state of peace or millenial reign?

Revelation doesn't come until someone asks a question. Where is the influence of a woman in revelations that come through masculine religious leadership? Are they behind the men reminding them of what to include in their prayers? Is that truly what God desires for me, a woman in his kingdom? To be a man's reminderer? Isn't that what alarm clocks are for? And those get knocked to the floor.

Where is my father? Where is my mother? I have stopped playing and started listening to the deafening silence. With little effort, I easily find father. In another room, but he is there. But mother is missing. And someone desperately doesn't want me to talk about or find the mother that was lost. I don't attribute that desire to any human on the earth. We have all been robbed. Some, like me, were born into this poverty and have known nothing else. I understand and can forgive those who lead with as much honesty as was given them in earthly society. There is an irony however. Every woman born is another testimony against us that mother is there. I am a woman. That means that Mother is alive. Mother is involved. And with those testimonies, we are asked to bring her back to her rightful place beside the father.

Lines from Emily Dickinson express the panic that can accompany the realization of any truth.

Twas like a Maelstrom, with a notch,
That nearer, every Day,
Kept narrowing its boiling Wheel
Until the agony

Toyed coolly with the final inch
Of your delirious Hem-
And you dropt lost,
When something broke-
And let you from a Dream-

As if a Goblin with a Gauge-
Kept measuring the Hours-
Until you felt your Second
Weigh, helpless, in his Paws--

And not a Sinew-stirred--could help,
And sense was setting numb-
When God-remembered-and the fiend
Let go, then, Overcome-

As if your Sentence stood-pronounced-
and you were frozen led
From Dungeon's luxury of Doubt
To Gibbets, and the Dead-

And when the Film had stitched your eyes
A Creature gasped "Reprieve"!
Which Anguish was the utterest-then-
To perish, or to live?

It is difficult for me to admit that Mother in Heaven lives! If she lives, why am I not allowed to think of her, or to imagine her presence. I feel it would be disapproved of for me to even mention her absence beside the Father. Partially, because her behind the scenes presence has been so taken for granted as to be unnaccounted for in her ability to lead, guide and walk beside the father in comforting and guiding, receiving and answering the prayers of their children. The only women my religion gives me to thank and emulate are human. And yet, my heart would leap to think that I do have a mother in heaven who cares for me as father and brother care for me. And yet, I am asked kindly, not to worship her along with father, the sole creator of all? It is an agony I do not understand.