My rest a stone

the LDS hymn Nearer My God to Thee. Brings out a story for me that I wish to record. It is part of my journey in desiring 'A Heart Like His'. I guess I ought to tell that story first. A couple of years ago I found a book written by Virginia H. Pearce. 'A Heart Like His' Making space for God's love in your life. It begins with this poem from the first chapter.

'Splitting the sky in two'
The world stands out on either side
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky,--
No higher than the soul is high,
The heart can push the sea and land
Further away
On either hand;
That can not keep them pushed apart;
And he whose soul is flat--the sky
Will cave in on him by and by.

Edna St. Vincent Millay "Renascence"

A little while later, I was called to be a counselor in the women's organization of the LDS church. I accepted this calling. Within one month of that I learned that my father had passed on. That occurance was in many ways a huge relief to me personally. If nothing else it opened a new chapter in my life as the history I shared with my father had been defined greatly by many years of relentless abuse. A few months later I began to learn that my daughter Elaine was dealing with unresolved issues about her sexual identity. This situation invited me in a real way to consider the social issues surrounding gay and lesbian people. I began that process by searching the internet and reading Carol Lynn Pearson. A fellow LatterDay Saint who had dealt with these issues for several years and had written much from her perspective. A while later, I was invited to hear her speak at a public lecture. I attended her lecture and could feel that something remarkable was happening to my heart.

Putting it together

I have a dream
Abba

I have a dream
A song to sing
To help me cope
With anything
If you see the wonder
Of a fairy tale
You can take the future
Even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream

I have a dream
A fantasy
To help me through
Reality
And my destination

Makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness

Still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream
I'll cross the stream

I have a dream
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream

How We get in touch with our feelings

It is spiritual experience to feel through having a loved one die. A brother in law shared a few moments with us last night. He was feeling immense pain. He only allowed its expression by connecting it to recent actions that were taken by one of his sisters. At a couple of points in the conversation he felt invited to connect his feelings to my comments. He expressed himself very passionately. Luckily, Greg offered that we wrap up and go to bed since we were all tired and it was late. Well this morning my mental processor does feel refreshed. I am learning some deep lessons in how we process emotion. This dear brother needs a place to deal with his feelings. I recognize his inability to process his emotion without creating new and valid reasons. It is not the actions that we or others take that are the object of our emotions. I am learning that our emotions are the object of our emotions.

It wasn't easy for him to say how he felt about himself and describe his feelings about the loss of his father. But it was easier and more compelling for him to express anger, rage, and frustration because of the actions of his sister. Those feelings seemed out of proportion to his sisters actions. But they make more sense when applied to the loss of his father.

How do I love Thee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM3mlgLAlMs

I love this messge. It is not where, when or why do I love Thee. It is How. Yes. I appreciate Elder Hollands focus. How do I demonstrate my love. How do I reveal my feelings.....

Empty Handcart

It's nice when I feel a paradigm shift. I usually think in metaphors when these changes occur. I have certain rituals and reactions I go through when faced with certain issues. The reactions are because I still see my life filled with the choices others made in relating to me. I see that as a handcart filled to the brim with items that I didn't choose to bring but for which I have felt responsible to continue holding onto and dealing with in very personal ways. Well today I saw my own handcart. It is seasoned, but swept clean. Ahh, today I just want to keep it that way for a while. Before I choose my most prized emotions to push and pull thousands of miles to a new home, I want to wait until the evening stars come out and the wind is warm and crickets are chirping. I want to lay down in my handcart and absorb its space. It is a small space. But I want to understand the paradox that I am larger than these spaces. I will feel that as I lay there and listen to natures sounds and see the stars full of sky and fill/feel the divine space of which I am a part. The next morning will be soon enough to decide what I must choose to push and pull. I am at peace finally accepting this gift. My empty handcart...........

Fathers Day
Yesterday we spent with Gregs father and family. His father is in his last earthly days. It is sad to see him suffer and to know he will be gone soon. But it is wonderful to have him at home around his family and consider how much love and blessings he has brought into all of our lives. Yesterday we were able to visit with Gregs moms cousin. This cousin also happens to be a cousin to my step-father. It was so nice to listen to her tell a few stories about my step-father and his mother and her two sisters. I guess the threesome were quite well-known school teachers. Dorothy remembers getting homemade bread butter and sugar whenever they would visit the Aunts. It was nice to remember James. I miss him. It is nice to see Saydi preparing a bouquet of flowers for Greg for fathers day. First she thought to crush lavendar leaves in the water. Then collect all different kinds of flowers availble. There are several blue and purple ones. It smells lovely. Saydi loves special days!! It has been raining for two weeks straight. Maybe we will have a longer summer. Mckay is sporting a few chicken pox. All of the kids have had sore throats. Mckay is the first to have spots. He is pretty happy maybe a little tired. My favorite thing was Greg wanting to get a pair of pink moccasins. He is really trying to think about gender roles and we are working on changing a few things about our assumptions. Conversations at home have been pretty interesting lately. The raspberries are beginning to be ripe. It is so enjoyable to watch and understand the process. The chicks are getting bigger. I put them outside a bit today and it helped them calm down later. It is a treat to observe them and understand their emotions and how they relate to eachother and to us and to the outside environment. One of them tried to swallow a stick. I had to pull it out of its throat. wow! They are weird.

sesame street talks about marriage

Pride parade

What a wonderful family experience it was to participate in the pride festival parade on Sunday morning. It seemed our family presence was much appreciated. I know I grew in appreciation and understanding for the children who deal personally with these issues. They need us as much as we need them. I was brought to tears when I saw a young man in a golden speedo preparing for his place in the parade. How long will we suffer that our children must endure our ruthless public and political inquiry into their private and personal lives? I take way too much for granted.

A handful of our close friends were there. Families. Adding their voice and action. The majority of our friends and families were attending their church meetings. My favorite belief that i have heard and seen practiced here and there by insightful hearts, is that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. On one snowy day a couple of years ago, we were all dismissed early from our sacrament and other meetings so that we could return home and shovel all the neighborhood walks. Not just our own, but others elderly or otherwise unable. Today, our family excused ourselves from our meetings on the same premise. There are saints in the parade who are unable to live happy and fulfilled lives without our acknowledgment and help. We felt privileged to share those moments of hope with them. We love you Johann and Elaine!!

think think think said pooh bear

I just wanted to remember some of the dumb reasons we bring up in sunday school to explain the patriarchial order in the church. and remember that the church is an auxillary to the family. that the sabbath and any transcendant action is an auxillary to the individual and family. These options provide opportunity, but remember that a person doesn't become a car just because they sleep in the garage. We are not trying to become our options. We are using our options to develop our abilities. We need to increase our knowledge of our options. Hopefully we wont let the perceptions of our present options keep us from that increase of knowledge. The more knowledge, the more options, the more action, the more ability, the more ability, the more understanding, the more understanding, the more happiness and fullfillment.


One POV (a person who doesn't know?)

The official explanation is that women are kept from having the priesthood because women are more spiritual than men, therefore, men need to have the priesthood to teach them how to be better people (Johnson 86). Women are also told that, because they have the all- important ability to bear children, men need the power of the priesthood merely to remain equal with them.


Another POV (a person who knows?)

A misunderstanding of women’s roles in the Mormon Church is engendered by those who don’t know themselves and by those who wish to claim that the patriarchal order de facto creates suppression. This is false. While a coercive order (patriarchal or matriarchal) represses, such an order is outside every tenet of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Patriarchy is not synonymous with presumption and unrighteous power; it is an organized divine pattern for the release of power equally for men and women.