in studying the differing viewpoints, considering my own feelings and perceptions, i've still concluded that i feel very much like i did when my brothers were considering killing eachother as they chased eachother around the house like maniacs. My first reaction was to believe they were really serious in their intent. and second i bought into the idea that if they saw me kneeling on the floor crying, and begging them to stop then of course they would stop. right? I'm not sure i've really grown out of that gut reaction. it doesn't take much to tune in to the debate of individuals and organizations involved in same-sex marriage/opposite-sex marriage/civil rights/religious freedom activities. Having a pre-disposition toward OCD, and self-doubt, I have not as yet, tapped into an effective and creative way of handling my awareness of the conflict. I have considered the easy option of tuning out. But there is a new generation of children who don't hold the frustrations and biases that I hold and I am in a position to teach them something. That responsibility is the single largest reason I keep listening, well......that and my OCD habit.
Up until now, full participation in the LDS church has been my single most spiritual and creative outlet in dealing with (well.....maybe creatively ignoring) the awareness of human conflict and suffering. As long as I had access to a laminator and a 24 hour Kinkos I didn't really need to listen that closely when 4yr old Adam says 'when I grow up, my mom says I HAVE to marry a girl' or when 5yr old Tristan says 'I told my mom I want to marry a boy when I grow up and she told me I couldn't'.
The loving heart of a Heavenly Father and (supposed) Mother who see me as I really am and fully understand my potential quickly dissolves into a distracting vision of all the important men in my life (husband, son, neighbor, brother, father, bishop, stake president, quorum of the 12, prophet) expressing multiple opinions. It is so hard to focus on what Heavenly parents would wish for me when I see and feel the piercing silence of this conflict and its influence on my life.
So, do I embrace both the conflict and the church?. Can the church continue to be a spiritual and creative resource for me in coping with this particular conflict? What does paradox demand of me today? Greg asked me what I was going to do today. I said, "make sure the kids get home from school" anything else is extra.
Easter 2026
1 day ago
2 comments:
Sometimes that is enough, Emily! Hang in there. For what it's worth, I respect your journey and recognize, in some small way, how difficult it must be.
The whole of me is wrapping you in my arms, the way I felt you had wrapped me in yours when you attended my graduation from SLCC and I gave you that statue symbolizing how protected and loved and supported you made me feel.
You graduated from SLCC, while paying down debt and raising three kids and working long hours too. I knew because you loved me, I could graduate too.
Right now, I feel like I left the church because of some conflicts in my heart, even though doing so made me feel estranged from what had always been my spiritual core, coping support, and a love of my life and being. I hope you can feel that because I love you, and because Greg and all of your children love you, you can do what you need to do too. We will always love and support you, and you will always have a strong spiritual core, no matter how it evolves.
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