crisis of faith

this post is open to all, but mostly for my older kids. Lindsay called to ask Greg his spin on my recent posts and my feelings about membership in the LDS church. I have been thinking for quite some time and want to say a few things.

First of all, these past two years feel like growing years for me. I feel very changed in matters of the heart. I have begun to see the world of questioning with new respect. I have always had questions but I have become more aware of how I feel when these questions arise and have learned to avoid feeling guilt on one extreme and feeling compelled to any action or inaction on the other extreme. I don't think I would ever have chosen to engage myself in learning about the social, emotional and religious complexities of LGBT issues had I not had the opportunity given to me through my sweet Elaine. But I want her to know I wouldn't have it any other way. I am proud of her for working her way through this challenge. There have been huge sorrows and setbacks but she has faced each unexpected turn with faith that she can and will do her best to do right. I have tried to live true and faithful to the religious commitments that I have made. I have struggled with my feelings as you can sense in nearly all posts for the last year.

It has not been hard at all to love Elaine and other LGBT friends and family members, but in realizing that if I am asked to disagree with her choice of lifelong companion I cannot find a place like that anywhere in my heart. Temple worthiness is ultimately a personal decision, and I was beginning to worry that my inability to 'hate the sin' might fall under the category of apostate. I needed to have a temple recommend interview anyway, because I had recently lost my wallet and my temple recommend. In the interview, I told my stake president that I'm not sure how I feel about the church's stance on LGBT issues, but that I felt it would be helpful to go to the temple with the intention of seeking peace on the issue. So I was given the opportunity to do that. After I finished the session I headed to the cafeteria. Someone, (not saying who) must have a sense of humor because the only sandwich left was a crab salad sandwich. As I ate my lunch, I noticed that on each table was a quote by President Thomas S. Monson that read something like this...The Lord in his infinite compassion gave us temples so that we would have the peace that surpasseth understanding.

I felt something very good come from that. So for now, I will maintain my membership in the church and I will no longer be afraid to say I don't know, when I really don't know. I will not allow hate or fear to motivate me to action or inaction. I will always keep my heart open to peace and opportunity, because I want to work towards and I hope to live to see the day where we as a society complete this particular growth process of change and inclusion of anyone marginalized by that society. There is a place for everyone. My membership in the church is not as important to me as feeling that I am living as close to truth as I possibly can. If that happens to find me outside of the church one day, I am not going to worry about that. I know I could find and do much necessary good in that path as well.

If this doesn't make you feel secure as to where I stand, maybe it will help to understand that I have decided that my question is not about staying in or leaving the church, but rather how will I keep working for the love and inclusion of LGBT people and not being afraid of what that may require. In the meantime, trying not to be so crabby, cause well, it gave me very bad breath....and Greg didn't like that very much. haha