It's been a couple of months. Hope everyone is still there and not starving for information. It's been a weird couple of months. I joined the mormonstories forum and that has taken much of my attention away from this blog. however, I am ready to come back and invite my readers to consider being a part of a research project I am trying to put together. I am going to send this request out to facebook friends too and hope to hear back some responses.

Hi Everyone,

I am doing a research paper exploring the topic of societal, cultural, family and religious attitudes towards homosexuality. I am working to build bridges of understanding between individuals, families, communities and religions who desire to come together and understand these issues within a framework of love and respect for others differences. I was wondering if you would be willing to share your feelings or relevant stories about this subject. I am most interested in how this issue has affected and or is playing out in your personal, family, friend, work and religious relationships. Please do not feel you have to align your opinions/attitudes with any certain individual or organization or to any particular standard.

While it is perfectly acceptable if you do share opinions and attitudes that are espoused by certain others/organizations, please share as much of your own personal feelings and experiences as possible. I would ask that you tell your story with respect and dignity, refrain from using any derogatory, threatening or accusing language.

I recognize this issue is dealing with potentially personal, deeply held emotional, and religious feelings and attitudes. Your privacy is important to me. Your responses are confidential. Please note in your response if you give me permission to share your stories with others, or if you would like to be notified before I share any or part of your stories, or if you would like your response to remain confidential.

thank you in advance for your thoughtful consideration.

couple of thoughts

So much of my 'knowing the church was true' was based on feeling rather than evaluating all of the physical historical evidence. I still don't worry too much about searching out every piece of physical evidence. It would be nice to know that all pertinent evidence was available to study, as it seems duplicitous to white wash our history and tell it how it isn't.

As far as my feelings of knowing truth. Spiritually speaking, I interpret the meaning of 'the church' to be the body of Christ. To me this means each and every member of the human family is a member of the church. LDS church members could quite possibly comprise the head of that body, but a head is just not effective without the body. At least last time I checked, they still had to be connected and communicate with eachother to get anything accomplished. We need our connection to all people. In this light, I can say wholeheartedly, that I belong to the church of Jesus Christ, because I belong to humanity. On the other hand, if i am saying that I am a possesion of the coorporation of the President, then yeah, that isn't how i see it. I am more than happy to say that because i was born into the LDS church it makes sense to stay put. There would still be work to do no matter what part of the body I am. It is possible I have more talents inolving the lower intestine, so there is a possiblity that my calling could change. For now, I just want to remember that i don't think i will ever want to stop trying to live a Christ-like life.


Title: John Lennon - Imagine

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

i was able to attend the day long seminar with Arbinger institute and listen to James Ferrell explain how to apply the principles in his book 'Anatomy of peace' to creating civil discourse in politics. Now the twist is that he was presenting this seminar for the Sutherland Institute. A political lobbying think tank that espouses marriage between opposite sex partners and considers same sex-marriage a threat to the well-being of children.

I have read 'the Anatomy of Peace'. It's approach to human relationships seems in direct opposition to the approach I have witnessed taken by leaders of the Sutherland Institute. The main reason I wanted to attend was to observe the effect of the teaching on this particular group of people. I have read the book "Preserving Sacred Ground' written by the sutherland group. I felt their opinions about homosexuality were uninsightful, and it upset me to think of the effect any of their reasoning might have if it were actually used in communications with their children or friends who are same-sex attracted.

I was curious, so I attended. I received a copy of 'the anatomy of peace' and a small workbook. I sat down on a fairly empty row and had no plans to talk with anyone. i just wanted to observe mostly and take notes. Soon after the seminar began a couple came in and sat next to me. i noticed that the lady had on the same color shirt i had. Green shirt over a white shirt underneath. That became a conversation starter later, when they talked with me and invited me to eat lunch with them. Their names were JoAnn and Greg.

They became involved with the Sutherland Insitute at the same meeting I had. One and 1/2 years ago. At Thanksgiving Point when Sutherland presented their Sacred Ground speeches. I was attending with Elaine and a group of political opponents. Greg and JoAnn were attending in support of the views held by the Sutherland Group. At that time I was just beginning to listen to same sex people and their allies. I had not formed a political opinion and mostly went to observe the emotional and political climate.

I told Joann and Greg that i had felt upset by the opinions on homosexuality that were expressed in the Sacred Grounds book. Joann said she had felt upset by it as well and that she had talked with Sutherlands leader Paul Mero about changing the approach. With Pauls encouragement, she and her husband took the book home and divided it into equal chapters and invited their children and extended family members to study it with the intent of re-writing it to express a softer and more loving tone. Their version also includes research from Canada about the effect of same-sex marriages in the lives of children.

They listened to me talk about my experiences with Elaine coming out and then my becoming involved with the pride center, attending some of the classes on sexuality, and participating in the parent focus group research, and going to PFLAG meetings. Their comment was of appreciation in hearing a side of the issue that they had not considered before. They felt it was a blessing that we met. They wanted to hear my input on what they have written. I expressed interest in reading it. They expressed a heartfelt need and desire to create a safe place for people of any opinion to gather and be able to ask questions without creating so much tension that communication would be impossible. i agree very much with that. We talked about how questions on both sides can come across as bigoted, insensitive, hurtful, and demeaning all the while that not being the intention of the person asking the question. They had a couple of questions for me. One was how do you make sense of your eternal perspective of your family in light of your daughters lifestyle choice. (choice to have a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex). The other question was why can't gay people be satisfied just to live together. Why do they want or need a piece of paper that says they are married. They also expressed their opinion about the anti-discrimination laws. They are Landlords. They were upset that if they don't want to rent to a person who might come across or might act irresponsible and it just so happens that the person is gay then the argument would focus on their being gay rather than their irresponsibility.

I had a few comments to make, but I mostly felt that listening and showing interest in hearing their ideas was more important to convey. In reading these questions again i realize just how far I have come in a year and 1/2. I am quietly impressed that listening and creating relationships with others no matter what opinions we hold is the best way to create acceptance and understanding that reflects integrity and peace.

I love hearing about non traditional families and champion thinking beyond tradition to maximize the potential of love.......

Don't really wanna write another post. but gonna anyway. i am attempting a change in my eating habits. trying to look at food for fuel. mildly vegetarian diet. we will see. Prolly a little meat here and there. my clothes definitely fit better already. i feel better. i have eaten a couple of sweet things (licorice taffy and a cupcake) and can tell immediately that they aren't happy choices. i can feel the immediate energy suck. being aware of this is a good thing. i feel more in touch with what is going on for me on the physical level. How about emotions and food? Well that is big for me. I feel its possible that i am now going through withdrawls emotionally because i used to eat to avoid dealing head on with emotional opportunities. So feeling a little overwhelmed there. got a little time alone though while Greg and others are out swimming. i probably would do better swimming, but feeling like i am needing a little space to understand these changes in how I have processed emotions.

I did enjoy the PTA luncheon. I loved the opportunity to talk with the other board members. Only one of which is Male and he is the principal of the school. I would like to see an equal division of members according to gender.I did read a write up in the Trib about someone address given to students at BYU, about men being more involved in PTA. I found the conclusive remarks clearly on the sexist side, but the topic is very timely. I will be on next years PTA board and hope to do my part in creating a gender equal PTA.

Another thing on my mind is a gender equal religious/spiritual leadership. Some days I feel sad that I have a greater awareness of gender inequality. Some days I feel angry that I have a greater awareness of gender inequality. Some days I feel the sun shining through and I am thankful for this awareness. Some days I want to move on and realize that moving on usually only means willingness to be aware and accept the gifts and opportunities of another moment. For either I spend my moments hating what happened, what might happen, or what is happening or I give my will to the moment and receive it for what it is. Presence is my gift to this moment. Further, the realization that my presence can define any given moment (for myself or for others) scares me. I'm not eager stepping up to that part of awareness. Avoidance and fear seem to give me temporary release from accepting my part in defining the moment, but, sigh, there is no sustainable way to hide the fact that I am just as much a part of any given moment as anyone or anything. So life asks of me my presence and my willingness to share the defining moments with others. Taking turns at defining. Taking turns at sharing space. Bowing and bending, harmonizing with fellow moment artisans. Like some big street jam. And the guys who are stuck in the fighting and confusion, you just keep harmonizing with the fearful cries until it is realized that we are all one melody.

I know this may sound weird, but if I was not taught gender equality by those who taught me of Heavenly Parents, and I know what it would mean to me to have both a father and mothers nightly interview, then perhaps the message is that gender inequality is a social construct. It is not a principle of love. If the only connection I have to a Heavenly mother is that I am also female then I am as much a part of her as she is of me. Maybe I could develop the leadership and loving abilities of a Mother in Heaven in a way that could bring an awareness of her back into our social and religious context. I feel like a little girl who is crying for her mother's comfort and the only comfort she gets is her fathers hands repeatedly reaching out, being placed on her head, blessing her, baptizing her, sealing her to her husband, counseling with her, interviewing her, a girl who is repeatedly asking for her mother and repeatedly being denied. This blows my mind to consider. darnit. I really love the LDS faith. I want this families together thing to work out. I just don't understand the helpfulness of focusing on Fathers as visible leaders and mothers as invisible leaders. Why are we singing praises weekly, offering daily and moment by moment prayers to our father and not our heavenly mother? But in our earthly families, we would never exclude our mother in that way. I'm just thinking. Hopefully I'm not bothering anyone by that.

reprieve
sometimes it feels like life gives reprieve from that which weighs heavy. perhaps in the form of strengthened muscles rather than less to bear. Nonetheless it can offer rest. in chatting with some friends at the library downtown, i tasted the fruits of having faith in love and life. nothing is perfect, and yet it really is. For all the gifts my life has given me, honest friends who are willing to shape and form their experiences into words for sharing. Imperfect words, incomplete sentences, unfinished paragraphs, perfectly shared. The sharing, perfects the words. Resulting in meaning deeply felt and heard. Honor, love, respect are the fruitful results of such social intercourse. Desire to share again, is ever present for who would not want to return to the bountiful garden once its live-giving gifts are discovered and enjoyed. Perhaps our meeting was a bit like experiencing the potential of Mary's garden in 'The Secret Garden'. Or as Ansel Adams conveyance of the stunning beauty and natural art of the wilderness. Who would not want the hope of having a bit of earth to tend. Or knowing that through ones deliberate act to respect and protect, one would then be given a lifetime to explore the pristine wilderness of the soul that dwells in each and every heart. I want to thank my family and friends for gathering in a way that these gifts of the soul could be shared.........and I can't wait to hear more. Love you guys.

3 immortal presents
by Sri Chinmoy

I have received three immortal presents
On life's Christmas tree:
Detachment-bud
Concern-flower
Love-fruit.

With the bud I shall begin
My self-inquiry.
With the flower I shall achieve
My self-discovery.
With the fruit I shall enjoy
My self-mastery.

by Sri Chinmoy


Because of its lack of wisdom,
A snake drinks milk
And emits poison.
Because of his vast wisdom,
A saint drinks poison
And offers milk.
This is wisdom in oneness,
Wisdom in perfection,
Wisdom in God-satisfaction.
All of us must act like a saint.


My ignorance thunders:
You are nothing, I am everything.
My knowledge declares:
You know something,
But I know much more.
My wisdom whispers:
You and I know nothing of everything
On earth,
And everything of nothing
In Heaven.

Just thinking of friends coming and going throughout my life. facebook has given me opportunities to reconnect with friends from the past, present and future........I kind of wanted to dedicate this page to some of my hopes and dreams. I want my friends and family to know that I do have hopes and dreams. with a bit of a wish for the heavenly things all tied up in there somewhere. sometimes I feel too much of what it means to hear weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth as a good part of my life is lived in a mental state much like the crazy woman in the story of Jane Eyre..... before i dwell on that too much, i want to say how nice it is to experience nature. outdoors. listening to the cheerful sounds of children making their own fun. trying to come up with the perfect approach to having important discussions with them about morals and values of respect, love and friendship. walking home from school, reading stories and bedtime, working together on chores, taking a walk outside are all great times to talk with the kids. so what about my hopes and dreams? All tied up in change. the most consistent thing about my life has been change. changing body, relationships, dwelling places, changing awareness. TBC

learning something about things in the present that trigger remembering of stressful unresolved issues of the past. tonight i was taking my turn doing kitchen duty. i had a trigger moment so i went in the other room to talk with Greg. there is always this urgency to my voice when i have these moments. as we talked and listened it came down to realizing that i was reacting to a time when i was 20 years old. married, had a child, living with parents apart from husband who lived in another state. We had made decisions not to accrue any kind of debt whatsoever, and as a result I was left to live in an abusive situation (abuse was happening to me from my father) for another 14 months. At the time I believed my husband was responsible for providing a way for me to come live with him. I did consider my father another resource and asked several times for his help only to hear him say horrible things about my husbands inability to care for me and that i would be better off staying where i was. At the time those are the only choices I believed I had. Eventually, my husband found a way to pay for me to leave, but I never resolved the emotional stress that situation caused for me.........fast forward to today. I use certain situations in my life to recreate these feelings of being held hostage against my will and outside of my ability to do anything about it. I've pretty much been doing that for all these years. Situations have changed over the years but in all of them I have found some capacity to perpetuate essentially the same story. While it is embarrassing to realize the ridiculous lengths my mind and life has gone to perpetuate the hostage story, it is also a relief to realize and say that's what's been happening. The best thing i can do about it now is to first, weep. cry. accept the insanity of the abusive situation. and then say no more fooling around with it. Breathe and love. Let the love for myself come in and let the shame and guilt disappear like uninvited guests to my lifes party. I have hurt others in certain situations where I have used others and their lives to a certain point to recreate the story, for that I am truly regretful, but I have seen those people move on, some in very happy and productive ways. It is nice to finally feel the possibilities of that for myself.

saw part of fiddler at hale center theatre. went with susan and came back at intermission. very powerful message there. about traditions. about following your heart. overcoming the social pressure to make decisions that are contrary to your hearts desire.....so, coming home from st. george. Spent the week relaxing with the younger two and taking care of Joseph. I spent some moments trying to notice the unsaid social expectations of men and womens roles. trying to notice if and when those expectations were apparent. (I am waiting for Elaine to lend me her book on sociolinguistics....the study of communications between people of different gender, age, social status, and ethnic background, etc.) i have to say that my awareness of LGBT issues has greatly expanded my ability to acknowledge the presence of a collective social conscious. that was something I rarely considered before. Now I have questions as to how and why societies decide to establish certain traditions.I also desire to understand more fully the history of social attitudes toward those things that differentiate us from eachother.

Lindsay asked me what profound lesson I learned during the week I was there. the cutest one I learned was how Joseph communicates his love and interest in the world and people around him. i loved it when was holding him and he would turn his head around and catch my eye and then look ahead again, but he kept doing it several times like he was playing peek-a-boo or something and had just the cutest little smile about it. soooo sweet. However.......by far the most profound and funniest was that I need to remember to take a hammer next time I go. The only place I could find for a private conversation with Greg was to go to Joseph's room after the kids were asleep. I totally forgot about the baby monitor. It is one of those things I will probably never forget or live down. ah well. I won't soon forget Greg's horrified scream when I told him that Lindsay just announced that the baby monitor was working a little too well! hahaha.

today was awesome to be subbing again. the kids were great! they tried really hard to do their best! It was really nice to walk home with Saydi. She usually complains on the way home, but we just talked and goofed around this time. it was fun!!

Welcome

I wanted to repost this welcome to some recently invited people to this post. Welcome to our circle of wagons. I hope you find that this is a circle big enough to love you. Our goal is to move safely together on a journey of discovery. To learn in faith to love ourselves so that we might more fully love each other. That through love, we come to know that heaven is within each of us.

We heard House Representative Christine Johnson speak tonight. she spoke about the progress on the non-discrimination laws. Listening to her helps me put even more pieces into perspective. I realize how I am my own worst enemy. Keeping myself worried and fearful that I truly care about LGBT issues. She is an example of earned security. She seems very authentic and true to herself. She has helped to demystify the perceptions some people have about LGBT people. LGBT people have been very fortunate to have her in the senate working on equality for all. She encouraged me to get involved in developing peer relationships with leaders and lawmakers which can continue to help demystify perceptions. I think I need to understand more about what the perceptions are and where they originate. I also want to understand the high school scene. I want to know how the younger kids are dealing with these issues. After the meeting, we were really happy to meet a graduate student from BYU who shared a little of his coming out at BYU with us. He is not in a relationship with anyone and desires to stay in the church. He said in coming out he was received with alot of support and love from friends, as well as his Bishop and honor code officials at BYU. It was heartening to hear his story. We laughed and smiled alot while we realize this is just the beginning for him, we know he will have much more difficult things to face as his life offers its opportunities. hopefully we can keep in touch with him. He was very cute......he was telling us how he wishes we could meet his mom!! My mommy heart gets all protective cause his heart and countenance is happy and sweet right now. I hope he will have the rights, opportunities and honest support that he needs to keep it that way. This is the kind of stuff that gets my brain and heart wanting so much to get it right. I don't want to hear of one more suicide from these dear people. If I can do something to speak up that will support them in feeling the love of God in their life, I want to do that. Same way I felt when I saw the kids in gold underpants at the pride parade last year. That put me in tears. Why would religious families go so far as to deny their children love, and listening and the promise that we will work on solutions together. why do we leave them to parade in their gold underwear to get our attention when all it would take is humility, faith and willingness on our part to hear a few things we may not think we want to hear, but once we do, the spirit will say something.

this one is gonna be ugly. I'll try to put it into poetry form so it isn't so difficult to bear.

my brain is jumbled when i try to pray
all i hear is the static between the channels.
no clear connection
paradox of life
when every dear belief
is methodically plucked away.
the beauty changes from its original form
still beautiful, but scattered
as rose petals
having been an extension of thought to one who only asks
am i loved, am i not, am i loved, am i not.......
can i love, can i not, can i love, can i not.......
are roses of more worth, either way?
or are they simply what they are
a tool of inspiration, a thought, consideration,
and repetitive emotion.
i see the hand of its creation
so why does my heart rage?

i saw her the other day
its been so many years
i thought the pain was all gone
just seeing her made my heart weep
a rose for her
a welcome to my heart
she is dragging out these heaps of baggage
oh crap,
how do i tell her
how do i tell her
that stuff is not going to fit in the car.
there she sits, distractedly nerdy Junie B. Jones type,
on top of this ridiculous heap of garbage
insisting that i must make it fit.
fallen rose petals slowly decorate the heap
around her feet with each
am i loved, am i not, am i loved, am i not.......
can i love, can i not, can i love, can i not......

she is there
but who is going to tell her
its you i like,
its you i like,
its not the garbage heap you sit on
its not the baggage that you bring
its you i like

I have been going through some difficult, painful rememberings. but oh so necessary to the restoration of wholeness.

My celebration

She had become invisible.
It took precise,
consistent effort over the years
To keep her hidden.
She waited patiently
Until solid walls
were replaced with small windows
and later
Doors that would,
As if by magic,
graciously open
and shut,
only too quickly
Before she could realize
What was intended.

Peace
She knew it was peace
Only because it felt
different
physically different
from fear.
She knew it had been fear
Only because it felt different
physically different
from peace.

They came as if on sunbeams,
Lovely, fairy-like creatures
Joining her.
They would hide with her
And play,
Bringing flowers.
Begging her to teach them
a new game.
Nothing boring would do.

The mirror still held no reflection.
Night brought rememberings of pain.
She lashed out at the tiny creatures
When they would ask to play
She placed them in a corner
Until she could no longer hold a frown
For the love that they inspired.
And once more
She considered the meaning of
The door.

This time she opened it
Deliberate in hope
Willing, even
Without mirrored reflection.
Telling only of fear and peace
Not knowing
How love would respond.
For a time
The room was flooded with light
though darkened corners held the secrets
still.

The creatures come and go now,
Quieting the days
Until their returns
To fill the empty room
With silly pranks
And loving laughter
Still peace.
So,
Safe now,
She could speak.

More intensely
at the comings and goings.
Grieving,
Weeping,
Telling,
Letting Go,
Receiving the embrace
Of a kind and gentle heart
Hers,
Reflected in his face.

We didn't know what peace could bring
from depths unknown until
awakened from the sleepy dream
to love clearly reflected

so I'll be subbing all next week for one of the kindergarten classes. I subbed on friday for the ELP kindergarten (advanced kids). I learned a lot. Like the need for having a discipline strategy. I keep worrying that the kids will end up hating me because I make them cry when they think I called them out unfairly. Oh boy, one of the kids moms was there to help me all day. I don't know if the kids would have survived without her. I just kept thinking I was so glad that Mckay is not in this class because they were doing some pretty hard work. Not that he couldn't do it, but it seemed like torture to make a 5 year old do that kind of work. Arg!! I think they are doing a first grade curriculum. So, next week I am going to be prepared to make sure the kids get some times to move around and that I have a better discipline strategy. I do enjoy being with the kids but I am thinking I would probably be a better clown or something rather than an authority figure. i just keep getting tempted to join the kids in crawling like a spider all over the room. i love hearing kids laugh and have fun. That just wasn't happening on friday.....until I read a book, but we didn't have enough time to finish reading it. I'd probably be a better activity leader than a school teacher, I'm too much of a goofball.

So Greg showed me the Mr. Diety clips and now I am having too much fun in church looking for material. hehe. I have so been needing to have a reprieve of the too serious nature that church encourages in me. I know other friends who have fun in church by singing the songs operatically and strategically sitting on either side of one family member to purposefully torture them with their singing. That lady came from a family of 12 kids and she says they have fun without being dysfunctional about it. haha. too bad, i think I probably have dysfunctional fun. At least today it was fast and testimony meeting. I enjoyed it a lot because i took notes. I tried to get a feeling of the main emotion behind each persons thoughts and feelings. I also tried to get an accurate picture of what inspires people to say they know that God lives and that the church is true. On a functional note, I noticed that I really enjoyed the messages and learned a few things about each person. On the other hand there was plenty to laugh and wonder about. Laughing is actually helping me feel happier and more at ease. Amazing huh? The best one today was in primary. i was playing the piano so i am in there when they give sharing time lessons. They introduced the new monthly theme of Prophets. The leader asked the kids how they think God can talk to us and tell us important things. She asked, does he have a huge megaphone that he calls us from heaven and yells 'hey, listen to me?'. nope, he has never done that and he never will, except for one time and one time only, and that will be at the end of the world.

all is well

Can i just say that I love finding out that the more I notice, the more I find that i know and love more LGBT people. So since my last post I have discovered another friend from my high school days. When I saw his blog I was thrilled!! http://thesetwodadsrock.blogspot.com/ He is also a competitive dancer and is going to Orlando this weekend. He and his partner have been together for 9 years. Family is obviously very important to them. His parents raised him well. He spent his growing up years in Yost, Utah. Bet ya can't even find that on the map. haha. Anyway, I am hoping he will be able to share his story for my book.

Two other happy things, my cousin Pam Meyers (I want to get a copy of her story too) told me an exciting story of love about her mother in laws friend who is trans. Pam also expressed heartfelt feelings of love and wishes that we could talk more openly in religious circles without fear. I am so impressed by that. I have been wondering if I would have to leave the church to find open discussion for my thoughts and feelings, so it is wonderful to hear that others who stay are feeling similar things too. And the other cool thing was my cousin Alan who posted his wedding pictures and when I saw the picture of my uncle (who was obviously giving a speech) I wished so much that I could have heard that talk. Alan told me later that he wished they had recorded it because he spoke of the need for love and understanding on both sides and creating a middle ground.

And now, DC just passed a gay-marriage law. These are exciting times. I am thrilled to be part of this history. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/03/AR2010030300654.html

gardening

spent the day gardening. Greg picked up some plastic sheeting and we made a temporary greenhouse to start some early planting. we received a pickup load of horse manure mixed with sawdust and also a load of straw. so i went to work spreading the stuff. Lasagne style. The cute thing about this was mckay. He stayed outside with me and made a ring toss game out of a piece of cardboard he begged off me. (one of my garden layers was cardboard) once he got me to give him a small piece he was so thrilled and then came back and asked if I would cut 4 circles from it for him. then the circles needed holes and it evolved from there. At one point I realized he snitched the steak knife I had in my pocket for cutting cardboard to fit around the tulip bulbs. He stole it to make his own game pieces out of the cardboard. Okay, watching Mckay create all this fabulous stuff is just about the funnest thing. He is soooo into creating stuff. Saydi had ridden the trail-a-bike to home depot with Greg to get the plastic. she was so excited to go with him. Before they left Saydi and Mckay had been playing the most adorable games on the trampoline together. they got a big beach umbrella and brought out several dolls and wooden play food. then they let their imaginations take control and played out their stories while Greg and I made gardening plans. Chandler spent the day at play practice. he is a munchkin soldier in the wizard of Oz at his school. When Saydi and Greg returned, Greg set up the temporary greenhouse and I kept spreading straw and poop. Saydi asked for permission to watch more Emily Bear playing the piano on You tube and ended up watching a lot of the Ellen Degeneres shows too. I have to say, i love some of Ellens shows. She is a pretty funny lady. She had Emily Bear on her show playing piano and it was fabulous. Especially the one where Emily plays an original song she composed just for Ellen's wedding to another woman. I told Saydi i am so happy to see the possibility of gay people getting married and that in my youthful days you would rarely if ever have talked about, heard or seen of people doing that. I told her she is growing up in a very special time. She knows most religions consider gay marriage is wrong, but maybe if she grows up without being taught to judge, hate or fear gays there will be opportunities for her to lead out in loving and inclusive ways so that gays can feel welcome and loved within their faith communities. I wish that for her, Mckay and Chandler. They live in an exciting time.

Anyway, after the sun went down and the days work was accomplished, mckay saydi and I walked to whole foods in downtown sugarhouse to get some soap and some treats. I so enjoyed walking with them. they took turns telling me things all the way there. We got a sample snack of stinky cheese. They are both cheese connisouers. For their treat they each chose a dollar loaf of crusty french bread. Mckay was buying his own stuff so he was on the look out for something cheap and he remembered those baby loaves are only a dollar so he was excited to get that (he even chose to put back the icecream bar he had chosen first). Saydi also loves bread so she got one too. On the way home i gave Saydi a piggy back ride. Saydi carried the backpack on her back and i carried her on my back. we had fun laughing cause we were so top heavy. i had to bend over and felt like a turtle. They got thirsty but they chose to break and eat pieces of an orange instead of getting a slurpee at the sev. They are both easily talked down from sugary colored junk food, but mckay was regretting it i could tell. He really would have enjoyed the slurpee. I am proud of them for sticking to it. They are very health food conscious and conspicuous consumerism conscious. At home greg had made baked potato fries for us and then we listened to a couple of songs by David Wilcox and then we talked a little bit about prayer and what it means to us and then we went to bed.

As one who struggles daily......I just want to see if i can accomplish something good by writing a bit of my processing process. because one day, it will be less important for me to feel it and be thinking about it because i will have moved through it and then, then, how will my children know that i ever had any problems to solve.....(well, they lived with me so they know i had problems) but i also want them to know that i accepted the challenge of understanding my problems without taking my problems personally. Ideally, I think of myself as separate from my problems. that is the first helpful thing, but it is not always what I choose. i also find it helpful to remember that i can choose how and when to deal with my problems. that way, when i feel overwhelmed with the problems that my problems cause i can remember that it would be easier to work on the problem if i simply start with awareness. kind of like a baby in the first two years of its life......doing alot of listening and being aware before speaking.

Anyway, at this point in my life I am seeing the effects of the way my brain learned to connect to others from experiencing the parental abuse that I suffered in my teens. In wanting to stop the chain of abuse from filtering on down the line, I have struggled dearly to learn more about healthy parenting and what it means to communicate coherently. Our family is a blended family and we have just begun to attend a 6 week program on what it takes to have a successful step family.

At the same time I am reading a book called insightful parenting. It is a little difficult for me to understand and follow completely but it is providing some light at the end of what feels like a very long and dark tunnel. I am just finishing up a section about how the brain functions as our social processing center. How attachments are made to our primary caregiver and how our brain uses that same pattern to construct future attachments to significant people in our lives......

When the brain makes different attachments it makes for different communication patterns. Here is a table showing the patterns of attachment.

Category of attachment/Parental Interactive pattern

Secure/Emotionally available, perceptive, responsive

Insecure-avoidant/Emotionally unavailable, imperceptive,
unresponsive; and rejecting

Insecure-anxious,ambivalent/Inconsistently available, perceptive, and
responsive; and intrusive

Insecure-disorganized/Frightening, frightened, disorienting,
alarming

Anyway, just trying to be aware. i think my kids and spouses and probably siblings have felt me use various combinations of these attachment models at different times. I know I can be very unpredictable. Add PMS to the mix and you have a nice cocktail for disaster. I am trying to understand the attachment models that my brain learned when i was a kid. There was definitely some of all of this going on between me and my parents and especially during the abuse i attached to my father according to the disorganized model, but with a strong dose of the ambivalent model as well. I attached to my step mother with the ambivalent and avoidant model. My mother attached mostly anxiously/ambivalently with brief windows of the secure model, but then windows of the disorganized model too.

Nice. At least its out there where I can try to understand it.

A gay child's burden

I didn't take the time to care, to understand the burden
I let the ticking of my time march me on toward heaven
Til on the way I noticed, a child quite out of place
a heavy burden at her feet and fear upon her face.
Oh no, not fear
She's just a selfish child, unready for lifes burdens
I barely paused as I rushed by without a word of comfort

It was but time for me to think, and as I did, I knew
In language that speaks to the heart, I knew what I must do
That child, and more just like her, would walk along the way
Hearing naught but whispers, hushed tones laced with pity
Oh no, not gay
Does not exist and if it does, it won't........I see.
She knows the rhetoric. I'll try to understand her burden and listen lovingly.

Musical Medicine

I was just wishing that I could find some songs with meaningful words to the issues I feel I am thinking about. And somehow Greg tripped over this artist. I couldn't figure out why he sounded so familiar until I listened to a few songs and realized that his style and voice is alot like Raffi. And I love Raffi. This is Raffi for adults. Greg told me that David was raised by parents who decided to raise their children without any traditions at all. They both felt that the traditions they had been raised with had gotten to a point where they had lost their value and meaning, so they tried something different with their kids. Well, David said it helped him when he got older and felt like something was missing, that when he went searching he was able to connect with a fun God rather than a mean God. He is Christian, but we don't know what particular faith. He is from Asheville North Carolina. Was born in 1958, and has been writing songs and singing since he was 30. He does monthly/some weekly concerts. He will be in Idaho in October. His music is fabulous. He sings about very pertinent issues from religious intolerance to how to have a happy marriage. Like you have never heard before but felt in your heart all along. There just weren't words to express it until David wrote them.........I really wish I knew how to set his music up on my blog. I need you Lindsay!!!!! Anyway, take some time to listen and let me know what you think.
http://davidwilcox.com/index.php?page=cds&category=01--MUSICAL_MEDICINE

subbing

I've been substitute teaching at the elementary school. Today I was a roving sub, meaning I went to about 5 different classes for 30 minutes each, while the teachers went to inservice meetings. I really enjoyed that way of subbing. It gave me more opportunity to meet and interact with a wider range and age of kids. I knew at least one child in each class, which made it fun. I got to sub in Saydi's class. That was great!!

Another thing on my mind is something Lindsay said when I was telling her how I wish there were certain resources for processing my experiences with LGBT issues and she said, Mom, maybe you are supposed to create those resources. I have thought it over and decided there is something to that. I know there are some great resources out there, but I hesitate involving myself in any one thing because of the religious and politically charged energy that goes into maintaining any one position. It is the practice, the application, the how of love and openess that interests me. I want to do that. For me, important social issues, are reminders given to show that love is not defined by outward appearances. To give us something with which to perfect our awareness. The universe repeatedly offers these courses in love, these opportunities, over and over.

I have a few ideas of what I would love to take an active role in doing. One idea is from a wonderful mentor and mormon friend, Carol Lynn Pearson. She has suggested that we reach out to each other and listen to each others story, experiences with LGBT issues. And that we start within ourselves, our families, our neighborhood and go out from there. Allowing ourselves to listen and love. That we do this especially within our religious communities. This position was echoed by Emma Lou Thayne, another wonderful mentor and mormon woman.

Before one year ago, I only knew one or two individuals and their families having experienced LGBT/religious issues. Alan, (my cousin) and his partner Mike, and Robert (greg's cousin). Since then, I know Elaine(my daughter) and her partner Kristen, Johann (Greg's son), Liz(my childhood friend) and her partner Nan, John (my neighbor), Gloria (6th grade teacher at our school), Lee (my therapist), Jamie (my friend), Cass (my friend), Caspian (my friend), Eric (my friend), Tim and Craig (my friends), A sister of two of my friends from church, A sister of my gospel doctrine teacher, Sara and Scott (blogging friends). So about 21 people and their families. These are people from my closest inner circle. (There are so many more that are now in my circle of knowledge). For now, my book could include a story from about 100 individuals (the 21, and their families).....if each one wanted to share their story with me. I think I will work on compiling that book. It actually sounds exciting!!

Yes!!!

http://www.sltrib.com/ci_14336708?source=most_viewed

yes, yes, yes, yes!! information I can appreciate. my favorite quote in this article is "this is the church I know and love".........my other favorite quote was about 2 kinds of mormons....those who know and love gay people and those who don't know that they know and love gay people!!!

I would love, love, love, to see more church members take this step to heal the rift......just by listening. imagine it.

knowing

So I have been looking at parts of this earthly experience through gender, age, religion, nationality, disability, financial and authority status glasses. In response, somedays I rush to fill my head with one more perspective, one more story. I use these to make a collective collage of thoughts that could finally express and make sense of how I feel. I realize that perspective resources are as vast and numerous as the sands of the sea. With any creativity on my part, it seems, that something could be built. A sand castle of thoughts and perspectives. No matter what results from this creative gathering, the sea still rises and washes over this creation reminding me...the teaching pulse of the sea, the gifts of the shore, combined with the relentless whining, hoping, struggling to create. Giving pause, I rest, willing to experience differently.

Why do I deny what is, by thinking so hard that I'm not? If truth gives me anything, it is gravity. Which keeps me from floating away before I learn the principles of rocketry.

I begin to feel the texture and coolness of the sand against my skin...

healing
from the shattering consequences of abuse.

I found this article on the church's website. I read it from somewhat of a unique perspective. One that I certainly haven't thought of until now. Over the past 32 years I have had the opportunity and blessing (yes, I meant blessing) of healing from the shattering consequnces of sexual abuse. This article is not unlike other articles I read in my earlier days of beginning my healing journey. Words of guidance and comfort had a profound effect on my desire to keep living. The nugget of which was the counsel not to let abuse define who I am.

Fast forward to 2010. Through listening, reading, and observing the lives of individuals who realize that they are attracted to the same-gender and would totally prefer to mate with a person of their same gender. You would have to live under a rock (which I did for a while) not to realize the influence society and religion have on an individuals ability to permit themselves to mate according to their emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical attractions.

I read this article, considering it to be, for a moment, an act of sexual abuse for a religious leader to tell a same-gender attracted person, from childhood, that any sexual activity within a same gender relationship is sin.

It just turns my heart another revolution (hopefully towards more love and light) to accept that for some, their experience with this particular doctrine mirrors my experience with abuse. Harder though, to be given the hope of healing by those who are also capable of abuse, and who also need to feel accepted for who they are. We are all in this together, so I'm okay that everyone has a lesson or two to learn.

amen

i found this beautiful expression of love today. I decided to take the liberty of re-posting it, only on my blog. it was written by a famous poet. i love you elaine, i hope you don't mind.....


The Other

l'Autre
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Belonging

I stopped saying, "Amen"
when others prayed.

I felt I no longer quite belonged.

But I still visited others,
I couldn't shut them out.
We played Canasta,
My sister comforted me
when I cried
and took me outside
to see the beauty
of the world
was still there.

Perhaps I could say "Amen" to that.

But I wasn't quite ready.
I had to struggle more,
finding each day who I was.
I had to find who I loved,
why I loved, how I loved.

I was thankful for so much, every day.

My mother began, when I was there
around a table with family
to ask me what I was thankful for,
then each person around the table
would also share their gratitude,
before doing it "their way,"
choosing someone to pray.

It no longer feels like
"your way" or "my way,"
like closed or open,
like right or true.
Lately, if feels more like love.

I am slowly re-learning
how to say, "Amen."

Posted by Elaine at 12:39 AM

so in this tuesday night group we talked about 'getting on different buses' the visual is standing at a bus stop and one comes up and you get on. The buses are sets of thoughts that you entertain that are self defeating or distracting you from enjoying what is going on in the present. The goal is to be aware of the buses but to stop getting on them. Or once you find you are on one to get off and not get on any more. Well......after a couple of days of talking with Greg about the bus thing and noticing how many times I get on in one day, I felt pretty worn out. I came to the conclusion that I have a slick transfer system. Once I find myself on one bus, instead of getting off the system I simply transfer to another bus. We discovered that Greg has a predictable bus route as well. So we talked about that and how our bus rides keep us from accepting, enjoying and focusing on our relationship and taking care of ourselves.

Luckily, Elaine and Kristen took the kids on an overnighter and day long stay at their home. We were then able to have a couple of really important break through moments to feel the present and let it be and work with it and let our feelings teach us important things about ourselves that we have not been able to hear. Together we discovered some important ways to help eachother grieve some significant things. These were important moments together. I think we are both feeling that change is always within reach.

Another important visual is that each of us has been given a plate of delicious food to eat. We set it on our lap and proceed to get on different buses instead of sitting and enjoying what we have been given. When we look again for the food it is gone.

its been crazy around here. But the funnest part has been having my sister Mary's kids here and enjoying their sweet personalities. Wow. Little girls just sneak in and make my heart happy. So just about every day they played in the bathtub and they were super at entertaining themselves and they were very complimentary about all the snacks we made to eat saying thank you so much and how much they loved all the yummy things. sooo cute. they loved playing pretend. It was awesome. Shannon and Mckay loved checking on the chickens for eggs. and they found a couple. shannon called me aunt em the whole time and made me smile for how sweet and articulate she is. Kimberly is such a cutie pie. she loves her big sister shannon and will do anything to stand up for her. she was always sharing and if shannon got in trouble for trying to grab something from Kim, Kimber would feel sorry that shannon got a lecture and hand over whatever it was she was playing with. Little bit was sooo cute. she was so calm and mellow and she loved attention but she loved her mommy best. her hair is so curly and cute. she was tons of fun to have around.

the crazy part is in the middle of such wonderful things I feel like I am living on the edge of mental weirdness. soo I joined a group and got an assignment to create a grief ritual for myself. I've never done that before so all I could think of was to read that poem I wrote a couple of entries back. But tonight I went to a class at the church given by a physical therapist and she talked about keeping our bodies in motion. We learned some tai chi and I realized this could be another possibility for coping with post traumatic stress. I'll let you know how it goes.

I came across this scripture today

It may be hard to see that at times, but hold on a little longer, for “eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” and wait for Him (1 Corinthians 2:9; see also D&C 76:10; 133:45)

I haven't quite decided what it means to me. I just wanted to write it down so I could remember it. I know what I want it to mean, but I realize that the author gets the final say and since I don't know if really I know the author I will have to be satisfied to let this one influence me in a less assumptive way. Is assumptive a word? Anyway I hope the scripture means what it says cause it opens up the possibilities but the point is not to speculate on what those specific things would be but rather focus on loving/knowing God. (and waiting) So, in that light here is a question. would you still love God if He were a She, or had a different color of skin than you or if he had lived a life on an earth much in the same way as Hitler lived his mortal life. would that matter to your willingness to love him if there were say a few hundred eons between God's actions or mortal circumstances in his mortal life and who He is and what his circumstances are now? The only way I can answer these questions about what it takes to love someone, I have to ask a few more questions that have to do with forgiveness. If I live a mortal life of degredation, and deceit could I forgive myself enough to allow myself to overcome those weaknesses over a period of a few eons and see myself as whole and free of unloving characteristics...........this could lead to other questions, but for now I just want to focus on feeling for a while. Maybe then a few thoughts will come. Maybe not. I am slowly learning that thinking and feeling are equally important skills to have. And slowly learning that I lack on the feeling end of things. So to give a little twist to winnie the pooh.....feel feel feel feel.