flowers

yesterday Saydi Mckay and i spent some time down on temple square. first we walked down from elaines house to spend time at the Daughters of The Utah Pioneers Museum. then we walked down to temple square and spent some time sitting by fountains and enjoying the water and the beautiful flowers. Then we went to the Beehive house for a tour. Then we walked to the Church museum and spent a couple of hours in the childrens hands on section. the theme is I Am A Child of God. There were lots of things for the kids to do related to the theme. the one they seemed to like the most was tending life size models of newborn babies in the nursery. It was so cute to watch them. Mckays baby was usually on the floor whenever he was getting different clothes, or filling out paperwork.(birth certificate) That was pretty funny. Then we ate a snack outside and then met Greg at the Lion House Pantry for lunch. He was downtown at the library working so it was easy for us to meet up with him.

While we sat under the shadow of the temple I talked with the kids about what people do in the temple. We noticed a couple dressed in wedding clothes with their photographer getting pictures taken. They kissed a nice modest kiss for one picture. I found myself wondering if they had been so nicely dressed and same sex would they have been as welcome on this private property. I wasn't feeling resentful in any sort of way, just wondering. just pondering. I mentioned to the kids that the temple is where people get married and sealed and that if you are a same sex couple you are not allowed to be married in the temple. When I told Saydi that the only reason that is like that is because Heavenly Father hasn't revealed to the prophet that same sex couples can marry in the temple, she said well, I think someday he would do that. Saydi's big heart is inspiring to me. Whether or not the church leadership receives a revelation on this in our lifetime, at least I know that within the heart of the family there is a wish that any desire will be realized. For now I am willing to stumble along and bear pockets of harsh conditions that exist here and there. Knowing that I can do a little good each day and that is all I can do.

I am thankful for my LDS upbringing. As difficult as it has been, I feel it has laid the groundwork for questioning in an anchored sort of way. I know I have felt the presence of the divine in my life. I have been going through a time of huge struggle and ultimately felt a desire to return to modest prayer. In recent days I have pointedly felt a divine interest in my life, my questions, my desires. I am learning more about that. I was touched to hear Elaine express her appreciation for her LDS upbringing as well and even more inspired when she said she had no bitter feelings about that. I want to say that I love her friend Kristen. She is a blessing in our life. I am so touched by her interest and work with children. I can't imagine not wanting both she and Elaine to be able to realize their lifes desires. Yes, I would like for those desires to be right and good. I am more hesitant to guess what that might be for them. I just know I am intrigued with the figuring out process. And I trust very much that they will realize their greatest dreams. I have these same feelings for all of our children. Our children are amazing, unique, and original. The process is enjoyable. Maybe I never thought I would be saying that, but I have changed alot. I am really good with watching the transformation process and enjoying every conscious moment.

thoughts to share

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkTKQsYWBxc
The Freedom To (let us love our neighbor as we love ourselves)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhqRMP9meMc&feature=channel
A father indeed (let us love unconditionally)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INO0zl0g9sc&feature=channel
Blessings of the priesthood (change brings blessings)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zP7K7PUU_24&feature=channel
Little Children (let us be as little children)

chicken update

i am going to rest from my thinking about the existence and purpose of mother in heaven, and gender concepts and war and genetically modified food and materialism and other important issues. It is what it is. i helped the chickens this morning. they spent their first night in their new coop. they covered the floor in poop, so I scooped that out and put down a fresh layer of wood chips. Greg and I dug out some clumps of clover and transplanted them in the chicken run. the chickens promptly dug out all the bugs. we watched them find a worm and steal it from eachother back and forth. Starburst is still the calmest chicken. We attended church and gave opening and closing prayers in sacrament meeting. Mckay and I took garden flowers to an older sister in our ward and visited with her for a while. We are borrowing Dales car so we can visit Greg's mom later this evening. We are going to see the chickens now. Cya.

considering my feelings for God

I have been considering my feelings about God. First, I absolutely adore my father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ. I love and appreciate all that I have been taught by Him about Him, and all I have been able to feel and learn from fellow humans about Him. The following thoughts aren't necessarily focused on Him, but on someone who is definitely connected with Him. Reason and truth have orchestrated a symphonic melody.......yes. I have a mother in Heaven. Therefore the concept of God (as much as I know of God) must include a separate human form that is a woman. I keep feeling that perhaps the reason I am not given further light and knowledge about mother in Heaven and opportunities to openly praise her the way I praise our father, is not because her contributions could be any less than those of our Father. I have learned that thankfulness and humble acknowledgment of transcendent creative power (for me that is God) can be refining to my spiritual being. In fact we have been blessed by the contributions of many men and women on earth, however, my heart, as well as this world needs to do better in acknowledging and praising the contribution of women. Then, it only stands the test of reason that my lack of opportunity to know and acknowledge Mother in Heaven comes simply because I haven't sincerely thought about it, studied it out, and sought for her. In the spirit of seeking I would like to share these thoughts.

Heavenly Father, Is my mother there?
And does she also listen to each childs prayer?
Some say that's only a Fathers place.
But, love tells me she once gazed upon my face.
Heavenly Father, when you sent your Son,
Through Him, you promised that I'll ever surely find.
Suffer that I might know her too.
Father, with all my heart I'll truly seek.

If its just that I am blind then can you heal me?
If its just that I can't feel, can you bless?
Open another way
Open another door
Please bring about a miracle today.

If it's just my stubborn heart, can you soften?
Can you take away the mote from my eye?
Please take away that which keeps me from this revelation.
Please bring about a miracle today.

Where is my mother in Heaven? Don't I need to know
And worship her the way I worship you?
Does she not deserve the title to be called the Mother-God.
Is she not a separate being who shares in Priesthood power.

I feel a burst of power, of love from every tree.
The spirit whispers yes, mother loves and cares for me.
I'll love her through creative works.
Drawing, writing, expression of the soul.
Father help to form the words, Mother help to form the soul.

Now that I know that she exists, don't take her face from me
In fact, please help me bring her out of obscurity.
This world easily passes by and overlooks she's there.
Diminishing her presence with addiction to ego care.

If its just that I am blind then can you heal?
If its just that I can't feel, can you bless?
Open another way
Open another door
Please bring about a miracle today.

If it's just my stubborn heart, can you soften?
Can you take away the mote from my eye?
Please take away that which keeps me from this revelation.
Please bring about a miracle today?

The music of our growing

How I deal with dissonance. Only when I take it personally. It is hard not to make some sort of agreement with myself that I am defective in some way. I try to sweep house. These negatives seem to resist my power broom. Now I'm talking in riddles. I miss having priesthood blessings. I know that at several times in my life those blessings restored my sense of balance and perspective. One of the many respected gifts of the spirit on earth. My ability to give and receive comfort seems greatly diminished in this choice of mind. It would stand to reason that a priesthood blessing could bring much needed solace. I have heard that kind words also cheer the heart. There is enough pain in mortality to warrant the need for some kind of reprieve.

Truly, without the song of a sad heart there would be no contrast against which to recognize the gladder tones of life. And yet sadness droning on too long makes for a dreary and impossible melody unless woven in again at last with many measures of gladness. How does one decide when the melody is too burdened and needs to change? How does one lift the experiences that plunk to the bottom of our hearts? And when one has allowed the sadness to drone on and on, how does one believe that it is not a mistake?

Eckhart Tolle talks about the spiritual nature of flowers. That the essence of a flower draws us in immediately. It is not the form, but the essence, the spirit that enlightens and gladdens our heart. And yet the flower is certainly different than the seed and so to become itself, it must needs have changed. Have you ever heard the growing pains of a flower? Once I wrote a paper for a music class. As I walked outside I was drawn to consider music of the daffodils. Did they have voices? Did they sing? Did they sing playfully? Did they lament? I guess because they looked so strong and yellow I decided that they must be always singing and began to wish that I had the ears to hear them. But I hadn't considered until now the music of their growing. What is music? Why does it provide balance to our spirit and do we consider the less obvious places it plays for us. Through nature, touch and kind words. Okay, I guess I will go now and construct the much needed reprieve. And try to understand that neither pain nor joy are a mistake or to be avoided, but blended and harmonized. Now there's a project for all of us.

I want to remember the information in this book. 'Gay and Lesbian in Asia' pages 45-46 In Asia they focus on relationships (peace, harmony) not confrontation. They consider the word homosexual to be a word used to protect homophobic individuals. In chinese the word is tongzhi and they avoid its direct use in their discussions with eachother. They come out as groups or families (instead of individuals against the group/family) by accepting human sexuality that applies to everyone.

They choose not to use western terms to label and categorize themselves or eachother. Their focus on respect and the importance of family relationships propels us all to consider our own sexuality on a very basic level. My experience with Elaines coming out has definitely given me cause to consider my own sexuality. Something I probably wouldn't have paid much attention to otherwise. I can say it is humbling to take the approach that is suggested here. It takes away the fight and puts the focus on something we can have real dialouge about because it applies to all of us.