New Years Wish

as silence captures sound
and life
as tiny droplets
cleanse the strife
with clarity i find
changing heart and mind
enlarging to accomodate
the boundlessness
of love

love
that soon could fill
whatever heart would open
till
it fills the earth
and every soul
only then
will each one know
what now can only be
a faithful,
onward constancy

30 days

you know the person who made the movie supersize me? well he has continued to produce short films called 30 days. Available to watch online. All of the ones we have seen are pretty thought provoking. my favorite one so far is when he went to live on the Navajo Reservation for 30 days. He came away from that experience thinking more deeply about what it means to have family values, to live in the present, to feel connected to and grateful for the gifts of life. It was also a very poignant story about the abilities of the native americans to survive the dismissal and minimization of their identity, culture, traditions and language. There were a couple other noteworthy films. One is about a devout LDS anti-gay family. They have a few young children. The mom agrees to live with a gay couple and their 3 adopted boys for 30 days. I wont spoil the outcome of the experiement for you. You will have to watch it. Another film was about a minuteman who agreed to live with a family of illegal immigrants for 30 days. Another was about a straight 25-year old anti-gay bible believing Christian man who agreed to live with a gay guy in the Castro district for 30 days. The outcome of both of those were very interesting. Very thought provoking.

Even though I appreciate watching this kind of journalism, one problem it tends to create for me is triggering memories of injustice. Experiences that were unequal to my resources at the time. I have to have a few days afterward to calm my thinking and stay connected with the present.

spending time with the kids is so special. we went swimming together for a couple of hours on saturday. the pool was nice and warm. lots of fun things for the kids to do and begin testing their swimming abilities. there was a slide for little kids and lots of shallow water to build confidence in Mckay and Saydi. By the time it was time to go Mckay was jumping in the water and pushing himself back up from the floor. He was pretty daring. Saydi still hesitates to think she will ever want to put her head under water, but she enjoys dancing and playing in the water immensely. She also had fun spotting Chandler wherever he was. He was always trying to sneak up on her and catch her leg or something. Chandler was all over the pool. Mostly going down the slide for big people. Greg made hot carob milk for us when we got home. And toast. yummy. After swimming Saydi and I played a game of life. It was funny to hear her say she felt guilty for winning me. Oh boy. She is learning mommy rules too young haha.

Today we went to church. Saydi had her baptism interview. I came in with her. She is pretty excited for her big day. It is Saturday. She has been teaching herself to play piano. Today she was goofing around trying to play the song that I am going to play for the relief society christmas program. She played the first part with a recording I had made of the second player part. she was doing an excellent job. she has a photographic memory for sight and sound. Then she asked me to play the left hand parts of songs she chose from the primary children's songbook. She did fantastic. She just picked out the melodies as she went along. She doesn't read music yet. We played several songs like that. Since we have the piano in the living room now all 3 kids have started using it more. Even Mckay sits up there and makes up his own songs and records them. Chandler has mastered chopsticks and part of the entertainer. He seems to like playing the piano alot. He is sounding great on his trumpet. His Christmas concert is on Wednesday. Mckay is really doing alot of cute things for a little girl in his kindergarten class. Right now he is writing her a note asking her if she likes garlic powder. Ha ha ha. It is because he wants to share a pizza he made tonight cause he told us that Maddie likes the same things he does......maybe he just wanted to be sure. hehehe He has been busy all day long making things for her. A puzzle that he drew and cut out and he lost it so now he is writing her a note to apologize that he can't bring it and that he will try to find it. this is tons of fun.

silence

in thinking about the gifts of silence I made this interesting discovery. Think of the times and places where silence is important to hearing, understanding and knowing. At a symphony, if there were no silence there could be no distinction between instruments. Meaning would be lost. Think of the emotion or story that is conveyed when you hear the solitary sound of a bell against a backdrop of silence. Even when several instruments play at the same time, our ears manipulate silence to 'pick out' certain sounds by using the silence in our heads to soften the surrounding sounds. In that way silence is malleable and personally useable.

chickens and awesome poetry

so Mckay found the first eggs layed by the chickens. We put a light in their coop and it helped lengthen the days for them and sure enough they have started laying. Today Mckay told them that they sure are doing a good job laying eggs. It is so much fun to open the nesting box and get the eggs. Chickens like to eat snow. They are fun to watch. We have several passers-by who stop to watch the chickens on their walk through the alley. There are still 2 that haven't started laying yet, it wont be long though I'm sure.

I wanted to record some poetry that I wrote today. I have been working very pointedly to find a way to let my body grieve through its responses to the past. Ironically, today is the 32nd anniversary of one return from a time of critical mass. It is amazing that I am better able to navigate the journey of self awareness. This poetry expresses a tender awakening to that ability within me.

I listened to myself
I heard the cry
I felt the silence of the night
Wrap the sound up tight.
I could not stop the burglary
For I didn't know I owned.
I watched with saddened eyes
The stealing
And now
The silence is revealing,
Slowly loosening its treasures
Of the girl
I used to know.


Love,
Where are you now?
You look funny all wrinkled
From the crinkled way you lay
Hiding there,
Until I could come again
Older and wiser
Seeking
For the girl
I used to know.


I didn't speak in words
Muted sounds were all I made
Not hardly loud enough
For anyone to hear.
There would be no rescuers
That night,
Nor
The next.
I would
Come to speak in words
In very LOUD sounds
Hardly soft enough
For anyone not to hear.
Though many came to rescue
Showing brave and kind intent,
There would be no rescue
That night,
Nor
The next.
Not
Until
Silence--
With her knowing,
Nimble
Fingers
Release me
To
Myself


Mother! You
Are the silence
That surrounds me!
You are
Eternally
There!
You come
In winters snows
You come
In summers rain
You beckon me to listen
As your whispers
Ease the pain.

This poetry has opened the door to a way for me to grieve productively. I get chills reading it again. Behind these words a fountain of pure emotion has waited patiently for its release.

crisis of faith

this post is open to all, but mostly for my older kids. Lindsay called to ask Greg his spin on my recent posts and my feelings about membership in the LDS church. I have been thinking for quite some time and want to say a few things.

First of all, these past two years feel like growing years for me. I feel very changed in matters of the heart. I have begun to see the world of questioning with new respect. I have always had questions but I have become more aware of how I feel when these questions arise and have learned to avoid feeling guilt on one extreme and feeling compelled to any action or inaction on the other extreme. I don't think I would ever have chosen to engage myself in learning about the social, emotional and religious complexities of LGBT issues had I not had the opportunity given to me through my sweet Elaine. But I want her to know I wouldn't have it any other way. I am proud of her for working her way through this challenge. There have been huge sorrows and setbacks but she has faced each unexpected turn with faith that she can and will do her best to do right. I have tried to live true and faithful to the religious commitments that I have made. I have struggled with my feelings as you can sense in nearly all posts for the last year.

It has not been hard at all to love Elaine and other LGBT friends and family members, but in realizing that if I am asked to disagree with her choice of lifelong companion I cannot find a place like that anywhere in my heart. Temple worthiness is ultimately a personal decision, and I was beginning to worry that my inability to 'hate the sin' might fall under the category of apostate. I needed to have a temple recommend interview anyway, because I had recently lost my wallet and my temple recommend. In the interview, I told my stake president that I'm not sure how I feel about the church's stance on LGBT issues, but that I felt it would be helpful to go to the temple with the intention of seeking peace on the issue. So I was given the opportunity to do that. After I finished the session I headed to the cafeteria. Someone, (not saying who) must have a sense of humor because the only sandwich left was a crab salad sandwich. As I ate my lunch, I noticed that on each table was a quote by President Thomas S. Monson that read something like this...The Lord in his infinite compassion gave us temples so that we would have the peace that surpasseth understanding.

I felt something very good come from that. So for now, I will maintain my membership in the church and I will no longer be afraid to say I don't know, when I really don't know. I will not allow hate or fear to motivate me to action or inaction. I will always keep my heart open to peace and opportunity, because I want to work towards and I hope to live to see the day where we as a society complete this particular growth process of change and inclusion of anyone marginalized by that society. There is a place for everyone. My membership in the church is not as important to me as feeling that I am living as close to truth as I possibly can. If that happens to find me outside of the church one day, I am not going to worry about that. I know I could find and do much necessary good in that path as well.

If this doesn't make you feel secure as to where I stand, maybe it will help to understand that I have decided that my question is not about staying in or leaving the church, but rather how will I keep working for the love and inclusion of LGBT people and not being afraid of what that may require. In the meantime, trying not to be so crabby, cause well, it gave me very bad breath....and Greg didn't like that very much. haha

unpinned (carol lynn pearson)

I hope that humans
Never pin down
Love or God.

Things pinned down
(Like butterflies)
Lose something
(like life).

I can go with progress
I am grateful
For a long life span
For medicine and computers
And I'm glad to know
The layout of the
Galaxy.

But let some
Mysteries win.

Let love and God be free
As a million monarchs
To touch our faces
With bright wings
And leave wonder in our eyes
As they rise
From the hand held pin.

Greg introduced me to the music and life of Joan Baez last night. I was kind of blown away. Why it has taken me so long to listen and notice. I really enjoyed watching her life bio and seeing her sing and talk about her life. Well, Saydi made her cooking but tonight. She made oatmeal raisin cookie muffins absolutely and completely by herself tonight!! She even searched for and found the recipe. I have no idea how she mixed them all together, but they turned out deliciously. Mckay made a puzzle for his friend Oliver. He printed it out and glued it and colored and cut it. He did it all by himself. Chandler is almost finished sewing his first apron in school. It looks great!! We got a little peg board today (with stars and heart wooden pieces that fit onto the nail pegs). It was perfect for the kids to track their daily jobs. When they have all 3 areas finished they can put a star or heart on their pegs. (I think this was a tic tac toe game actually. oh well, it is a very cute peg board). Did you see that it snowed? I hope somebody made a snowman. Well, I have a little more cleaning to do. I am very excited to see Linds, John and Joseph soon. Here is a song that I really liked from a conscientious objector. (sung by Joan Baez)


DAY AFTER TOMORROW
(Tom Waits/Kathleen Brennan)

I got your letter today
And I miss you all so much here
And I can't wait to see you all
And I'm counting the days dear
I still believe that there's gold
At the end of the world
And I'll come home
To Illinois
On the day after tomorrow

It is so hard and it's cold here
And I'm tired of taking orders
And I miss old Rockford town
Up by the Wisconsin border
What I miss you won't believe
Shoveling snow and raking leaves
And my plane
Will touch down
On the day after tomorrow

I close my eyes every night
And I dream that I can hold you
They fill us full of lies everyone buys
About what it means to be a soldier
I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel
About all the blood that's been spilled
Will God on his throne
Get me back home
On the day after tomorrow

You can't deny the other side
Don't want to die anymore than we do
What I'm trying to say is don't they pray
To the same God that we do
Tell me how does God choose
Just whose prayers he will refuse
Who spins the wheel
Who throws the dice
On the day after tomorrow

I'm not fighting for justice
I am not fighting for freedom
I am just fighting for my life
And another day on this earth dear
I just do what I've been told
We're just the gravel on the road
And only the lucky ones
Will come home
On the day after tomorrow

And the summer it soon will fade
And with it comes the winter's frost dear
And I know we too are made
Of all the things we lost here
I turn twenty-one today
I'm saving all my pay
And my plane
Will touch down
On the day after tomorrow

© Jalma Music (ASCAP)

in studying the differing viewpoints, considering my own feelings and perceptions, i've still concluded that i feel very much like i did when my brothers were considering killing eachother as they chased eachother around the house like maniacs. My first reaction was to believe they were really serious in their intent. and second i bought into the idea that if they saw me kneeling on the floor crying, and begging them to stop then of course they would stop. right? I'm not sure i've really grown out of that gut reaction. it doesn't take much to tune in to the debate of individuals and organizations involved in same-sex marriage/opposite-sex marriage/civil rights/religious freedom activities. Having a pre-disposition toward OCD, and self-doubt, I have not as yet, tapped into an effective and creative way of handling my awareness of the conflict. I have considered the easy option of tuning out. But there is a new generation of children who don't hold the frustrations and biases that I hold and I am in a position to teach them something. That responsibility is the single largest reason I keep listening, well......that and my OCD habit.

Up until now, full participation in the LDS church has been my single most spiritual and creative outlet in dealing with (well.....maybe creatively ignoring) the awareness of human conflict and suffering. As long as I had access to a laminator and a 24 hour Kinkos I didn't really need to listen that closely when 4yr old Adam says 'when I grow up, my mom says I HAVE to marry a girl' or when 5yr old Tristan says 'I told my mom I want to marry a boy when I grow up and she told me I couldn't'.

The loving heart of a Heavenly Father and (supposed) Mother who see me as I really am and fully understand my potential quickly dissolves into a distracting vision of all the important men in my life (husband, son, neighbor, brother, father, bishop, stake president, quorum of the 12, prophet) expressing multiple opinions. It is so hard to focus on what Heavenly parents would wish for me when I see and feel the piercing silence of this conflict and its influence on my life.

So, do I embrace both the conflict and the church?. Can the church continue to be a spiritual and creative resource for me in coping with this particular conflict? What does paradox demand of me today? Greg asked me what I was going to do today. I said, "make sure the kids get home from school" anything else is extra.

cool things happen. this is one of them. http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_13758070
I am so happy that actual live human beings were able to express this. I thought the LDS church was leaving this up to God to figure out for another place and another time, so I was resigned to wait. But, here is the proof that the answers for equality are in human minds and hearts right here, right now. I am moved by this. Whoever was able to put across the fact that this is not about creating a special class of people since we all have a sexual orientation and gender. Nice job in the creation of serious friendships among different people with different perspectives. Nice example of 'faithing' the impossible.

just another day

the weather has been unusually nice. we planted a tree in the parking strip. i have been trying to finish making the apple juice. we still have tons of apples. Greg's mom passed on last weekend. It has only been 4 months since his father died. His mom didn't seem like she was ready to go, but one day she just decided she was going and it was only 2 weeks later that she went. We are happy that she is now free from the constraints of life in a wheelchair and the pain she had to endure. But i Wish they had been able to stay a little longer. We miss them alot. Tomorrow is the memorial service for her. This has been a difficult year for everyone. Today I walked with Saydi and Mckay to the library. Mckay is into the Henry and Mudge series. Saydi read a stack of books but didn't check any out to take home. I have a few more things to do in applying to be a substitute teacher. i hope this will be a good change for me.

before i get it

in all of the learning and listening and considering of life and its many experiences, Greg has come across a couple of places in internet land that have given us another perspective to consider. http://www.staylds.com/ Greg has been on this site before and kept me from certain madness as I spend far too much energy trying to figure things out within our external social and religious environment. finally, i read a few things there for the first time. there are definitely some valid points to consider. Keeping life in balance helps. Even when there are no seemingly fair answers, seeking too hard multiplies the difficulty for me. One thing I agree with, at least I can see it applies in my situation, is the idea that while orthodoxy has helped me survive certain experiences, seeing it out of context is an impairment to my ability to thrive. I don't mean to throw the rules out the window. I mean to calmly understand why the rules are there in the first place. I am reminded of art classes where the teacher advised that we first learn the principles of art and the rules of discipline before we could fully appreciate and adequately direct our raw ability to create. And that some of the best creators of art knew how to effectively break those rules in astounding ways. Picasso was always a favorite example of theirs. Van Gogh was one of my personal favorites. I will probably always struggle with when to pull the rip cord to my creative abilities, but at least I am understanding better the relationship between the two. They are kind of necessary companions. I am getting to a point where I can accept that. Knowing me though, I will probably hit the ground several times before I really get it.

occupational inspiration

saydi was inspired as to her future occupation. a few days ago while crossing the street to school under the direction of the crossing guard, the children escaped certain death from a lady speeding through the intersection. as speeder closed in on the group, the crossing guard jumped forward and let out a scream and holler that Saydi had never heard before. She was very impressed. that was the first time she had seen the crossing guard in defensive action. As we calmed down and finished the walk to school, Saydi told me her observations and said, that's what I could be when I grow up. I said you mean a crossing guard? and she said yes! and I laughed at the instant realization of what she meant and asked 'why, because you can scream?" and she said Yup!!

i dont need much.

haircuts. walks in the rain. to notice my breath on a cold morning. to hold a chicken. to wash a stray dog before returning it to its owner. to have giggle fests with joseph. simplicity. awareness bordering on thankfulness for things that were. acceptance that borders on appreciation for things that are. dreams bordering on reality for what can be. to hold my fellow beings in my heart. to notice them. to listen to them. with faith and love to do all that is possible to achieve the impossible.

nothing much to say

enjoying the gifts of family. getting kids settled in school and wondering about how i'm doing as a parent. trying to make gardening connections and realizing more of the fullness of life. each small step toward understanding love is encouraging. someone recently told me they believe that true love should never justify an act of love just because it 'feels good'........so would an act of love be justified just because it 'feels bad'? There is a subtle difference between a good feeling and feeling good. and a bad feeling and feeling bad. But here is something else. Enjoyable physical responses (attractions, both sexual and non-sexual) are separate from our choice to create a nurturing environment for those attractions to be lovingly shared with others. Those responses and environment is unique for every person.

The first commandment is to love God and the second to love ourselves and others. Loving others as ourselves first takes noticing what even makes us who we are. How did we develop our attractions and desires to share our lives with others? Why would we think to deny that same process and gift to those whose only difference is that they are same-sex attraced? As opposite sex attracted individuals we allow ourselves a lifetime to understand our own sexual attractions. In fact it is socially acceptable and expected and somewhat necessary that we will date, marry and raise families before completely understanding our sexuality, but we accuse same sex attracted individuals of not understanding their sexuality as a reason to deny them socially equal opportunities to date, marry and have families with an adult of their choosing.

If the answer is in loving others as ourselves, then we must do that.

flowers

yesterday Saydi Mckay and i spent some time down on temple square. first we walked down from elaines house to spend time at the Daughters of The Utah Pioneers Museum. then we walked down to temple square and spent some time sitting by fountains and enjoying the water and the beautiful flowers. Then we went to the Beehive house for a tour. Then we walked to the Church museum and spent a couple of hours in the childrens hands on section. the theme is I Am A Child of God. There were lots of things for the kids to do related to the theme. the one they seemed to like the most was tending life size models of newborn babies in the nursery. It was so cute to watch them. Mckays baby was usually on the floor whenever he was getting different clothes, or filling out paperwork.(birth certificate) That was pretty funny. Then we ate a snack outside and then met Greg at the Lion House Pantry for lunch. He was downtown at the library working so it was easy for us to meet up with him.

While we sat under the shadow of the temple I talked with the kids about what people do in the temple. We noticed a couple dressed in wedding clothes with their photographer getting pictures taken. They kissed a nice modest kiss for one picture. I found myself wondering if they had been so nicely dressed and same sex would they have been as welcome on this private property. I wasn't feeling resentful in any sort of way, just wondering. just pondering. I mentioned to the kids that the temple is where people get married and sealed and that if you are a same sex couple you are not allowed to be married in the temple. When I told Saydi that the only reason that is like that is because Heavenly Father hasn't revealed to the prophet that same sex couples can marry in the temple, she said well, I think someday he would do that. Saydi's big heart is inspiring to me. Whether or not the church leadership receives a revelation on this in our lifetime, at least I know that within the heart of the family there is a wish that any desire will be realized. For now I am willing to stumble along and bear pockets of harsh conditions that exist here and there. Knowing that I can do a little good each day and that is all I can do.

I am thankful for my LDS upbringing. As difficult as it has been, I feel it has laid the groundwork for questioning in an anchored sort of way. I know I have felt the presence of the divine in my life. I have been going through a time of huge struggle and ultimately felt a desire to return to modest prayer. In recent days I have pointedly felt a divine interest in my life, my questions, my desires. I am learning more about that. I was touched to hear Elaine express her appreciation for her LDS upbringing as well and even more inspired when she said she had no bitter feelings about that. I want to say that I love her friend Kristen. She is a blessing in our life. I am so touched by her interest and work with children. I can't imagine not wanting both she and Elaine to be able to realize their lifes desires. Yes, I would like for those desires to be right and good. I am more hesitant to guess what that might be for them. I just know I am intrigued with the figuring out process. And I trust very much that they will realize their greatest dreams. I have these same feelings for all of our children. Our children are amazing, unique, and original. The process is enjoyable. Maybe I never thought I would be saying that, but I have changed alot. I am really good with watching the transformation process and enjoying every conscious moment.

thoughts to share

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkTKQsYWBxc
The Freedom To (let us love our neighbor as we love ourselves)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhqRMP9meMc&feature=channel
A father indeed (let us love unconditionally)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INO0zl0g9sc&feature=channel
Blessings of the priesthood (change brings blessings)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zP7K7PUU_24&feature=channel
Little Children (let us be as little children)

chicken update

i am going to rest from my thinking about the existence and purpose of mother in heaven, and gender concepts and war and genetically modified food and materialism and other important issues. It is what it is. i helped the chickens this morning. they spent their first night in their new coop. they covered the floor in poop, so I scooped that out and put down a fresh layer of wood chips. Greg and I dug out some clumps of clover and transplanted them in the chicken run. the chickens promptly dug out all the bugs. we watched them find a worm and steal it from eachother back and forth. Starburst is still the calmest chicken. We attended church and gave opening and closing prayers in sacrament meeting. Mckay and I took garden flowers to an older sister in our ward and visited with her for a while. We are borrowing Dales car so we can visit Greg's mom later this evening. We are going to see the chickens now. Cya.

considering my feelings for God

I have been considering my feelings about God. First, I absolutely adore my father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ. I love and appreciate all that I have been taught by Him about Him, and all I have been able to feel and learn from fellow humans about Him. The following thoughts aren't necessarily focused on Him, but on someone who is definitely connected with Him. Reason and truth have orchestrated a symphonic melody.......yes. I have a mother in Heaven. Therefore the concept of God (as much as I know of God) must include a separate human form that is a woman. I keep feeling that perhaps the reason I am not given further light and knowledge about mother in Heaven and opportunities to openly praise her the way I praise our father, is not because her contributions could be any less than those of our Father. I have learned that thankfulness and humble acknowledgment of transcendent creative power (for me that is God) can be refining to my spiritual being. In fact we have been blessed by the contributions of many men and women on earth, however, my heart, as well as this world needs to do better in acknowledging and praising the contribution of women. Then, it only stands the test of reason that my lack of opportunity to know and acknowledge Mother in Heaven comes simply because I haven't sincerely thought about it, studied it out, and sought for her. In the spirit of seeking I would like to share these thoughts.

Heavenly Father, Is my mother there?
And does she also listen to each childs prayer?
Some say that's only a Fathers place.
But, love tells me she once gazed upon my face.
Heavenly Father, when you sent your Son,
Through Him, you promised that I'll ever surely find.
Suffer that I might know her too.
Father, with all my heart I'll truly seek.

If its just that I am blind then can you heal me?
If its just that I can't feel, can you bless?
Open another way
Open another door
Please bring about a miracle today.

If it's just my stubborn heart, can you soften?
Can you take away the mote from my eye?
Please take away that which keeps me from this revelation.
Please bring about a miracle today.

Where is my mother in Heaven? Don't I need to know
And worship her the way I worship you?
Does she not deserve the title to be called the Mother-God.
Is she not a separate being who shares in Priesthood power.

I feel a burst of power, of love from every tree.
The spirit whispers yes, mother loves and cares for me.
I'll love her through creative works.
Drawing, writing, expression of the soul.
Father help to form the words, Mother help to form the soul.

Now that I know that she exists, don't take her face from me
In fact, please help me bring her out of obscurity.
This world easily passes by and overlooks she's there.
Diminishing her presence with addiction to ego care.

If its just that I am blind then can you heal?
If its just that I can't feel, can you bless?
Open another way
Open another door
Please bring about a miracle today.

If it's just my stubborn heart, can you soften?
Can you take away the mote from my eye?
Please take away that which keeps me from this revelation.
Please bring about a miracle today?

The music of our growing

How I deal with dissonance. Only when I take it personally. It is hard not to make some sort of agreement with myself that I am defective in some way. I try to sweep house. These negatives seem to resist my power broom. Now I'm talking in riddles. I miss having priesthood blessings. I know that at several times in my life those blessings restored my sense of balance and perspective. One of the many respected gifts of the spirit on earth. My ability to give and receive comfort seems greatly diminished in this choice of mind. It would stand to reason that a priesthood blessing could bring much needed solace. I have heard that kind words also cheer the heart. There is enough pain in mortality to warrant the need for some kind of reprieve.

Truly, without the song of a sad heart there would be no contrast against which to recognize the gladder tones of life. And yet sadness droning on too long makes for a dreary and impossible melody unless woven in again at last with many measures of gladness. How does one decide when the melody is too burdened and needs to change? How does one lift the experiences that plunk to the bottom of our hearts? And when one has allowed the sadness to drone on and on, how does one believe that it is not a mistake?

Eckhart Tolle talks about the spiritual nature of flowers. That the essence of a flower draws us in immediately. It is not the form, but the essence, the spirit that enlightens and gladdens our heart. And yet the flower is certainly different than the seed and so to become itself, it must needs have changed. Have you ever heard the growing pains of a flower? Once I wrote a paper for a music class. As I walked outside I was drawn to consider music of the daffodils. Did they have voices? Did they sing? Did they sing playfully? Did they lament? I guess because they looked so strong and yellow I decided that they must be always singing and began to wish that I had the ears to hear them. But I hadn't considered until now the music of their growing. What is music? Why does it provide balance to our spirit and do we consider the less obvious places it plays for us. Through nature, touch and kind words. Okay, I guess I will go now and construct the much needed reprieve. And try to understand that neither pain nor joy are a mistake or to be avoided, but blended and harmonized. Now there's a project for all of us.

I want to remember the information in this book. 'Gay and Lesbian in Asia' pages 45-46 In Asia they focus on relationships (peace, harmony) not confrontation. They consider the word homosexual to be a word used to protect homophobic individuals. In chinese the word is tongzhi and they avoid its direct use in their discussions with eachother. They come out as groups or families (instead of individuals against the group/family) by accepting human sexuality that applies to everyone.

They choose not to use western terms to label and categorize themselves or eachother. Their focus on respect and the importance of family relationships propels us all to consider our own sexuality on a very basic level. My experience with Elaines coming out has definitely given me cause to consider my own sexuality. Something I probably wouldn't have paid much attention to otherwise. I can say it is humbling to take the approach that is suggested here. It takes away the fight and puts the focus on something we can have real dialouge about because it applies to all of us.

My rest a stone

the LDS hymn Nearer My God to Thee. Brings out a story for me that I wish to record. It is part of my journey in desiring 'A Heart Like His'. I guess I ought to tell that story first. A couple of years ago I found a book written by Virginia H. Pearce. 'A Heart Like His' Making space for God's love in your life. It begins with this poem from the first chapter.

'Splitting the sky in two'
The world stands out on either side
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky,--
No higher than the soul is high,
The heart can push the sea and land
Further away
On either hand;
That can not keep them pushed apart;
And he whose soul is flat--the sky
Will cave in on him by and by.

Edna St. Vincent Millay "Renascence"

A little while later, I was called to be a counselor in the women's organization of the LDS church. I accepted this calling. Within one month of that I learned that my father had passed on. That occurance was in many ways a huge relief to me personally. If nothing else it opened a new chapter in my life as the history I shared with my father had been defined greatly by many years of relentless abuse. A few months later I began to learn that my daughter Elaine was dealing with unresolved issues about her sexual identity. This situation invited me in a real way to consider the social issues surrounding gay and lesbian people. I began that process by searching the internet and reading Carol Lynn Pearson. A fellow LatterDay Saint who had dealt with these issues for several years and had written much from her perspective. A while later, I was invited to hear her speak at a public lecture. I attended her lecture and could feel that something remarkable was happening to my heart.

Putting it together

I have a dream
Abba

I have a dream
A song to sing
To help me cope
With anything
If you see the wonder
Of a fairy tale
You can take the future
Even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream

I have a dream
A fantasy
To help me through
Reality
And my destination

Makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness

Still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream
I'll cross the stream

I have a dream
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream

How We get in touch with our feelings

It is spiritual experience to feel through having a loved one die. A brother in law shared a few moments with us last night. He was feeling immense pain. He only allowed its expression by connecting it to recent actions that were taken by one of his sisters. At a couple of points in the conversation he felt invited to connect his feelings to my comments. He expressed himself very passionately. Luckily, Greg offered that we wrap up and go to bed since we were all tired and it was late. Well this morning my mental processor does feel refreshed. I am learning some deep lessons in how we process emotion. This dear brother needs a place to deal with his feelings. I recognize his inability to process his emotion without creating new and valid reasons. It is not the actions that we or others take that are the object of our emotions. I am learning that our emotions are the object of our emotions.

It wasn't easy for him to say how he felt about himself and describe his feelings about the loss of his father. But it was easier and more compelling for him to express anger, rage, and frustration because of the actions of his sister. Those feelings seemed out of proportion to his sisters actions. But they make more sense when applied to the loss of his father.

How do I love Thee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM3mlgLAlMs

I love this messge. It is not where, when or why do I love Thee. It is How. Yes. I appreciate Elder Hollands focus. How do I demonstrate my love. How do I reveal my feelings.....

Empty Handcart

It's nice when I feel a paradigm shift. I usually think in metaphors when these changes occur. I have certain rituals and reactions I go through when faced with certain issues. The reactions are because I still see my life filled with the choices others made in relating to me. I see that as a handcart filled to the brim with items that I didn't choose to bring but for which I have felt responsible to continue holding onto and dealing with in very personal ways. Well today I saw my own handcart. It is seasoned, but swept clean. Ahh, today I just want to keep it that way for a while. Before I choose my most prized emotions to push and pull thousands of miles to a new home, I want to wait until the evening stars come out and the wind is warm and crickets are chirping. I want to lay down in my handcart and absorb its space. It is a small space. But I want to understand the paradox that I am larger than these spaces. I will feel that as I lay there and listen to natures sounds and see the stars full of sky and fill/feel the divine space of which I am a part. The next morning will be soon enough to decide what I must choose to push and pull. I am at peace finally accepting this gift. My empty handcart...........

Fathers Day
Yesterday we spent with Gregs father and family. His father is in his last earthly days. It is sad to see him suffer and to know he will be gone soon. But it is wonderful to have him at home around his family and consider how much love and blessings he has brought into all of our lives. Yesterday we were able to visit with Gregs moms cousin. This cousin also happens to be a cousin to my step-father. It was so nice to listen to her tell a few stories about my step-father and his mother and her two sisters. I guess the threesome were quite well-known school teachers. Dorothy remembers getting homemade bread butter and sugar whenever they would visit the Aunts. It was nice to remember James. I miss him. It is nice to see Saydi preparing a bouquet of flowers for Greg for fathers day. First she thought to crush lavendar leaves in the water. Then collect all different kinds of flowers availble. There are several blue and purple ones. It smells lovely. Saydi loves special days!! It has been raining for two weeks straight. Maybe we will have a longer summer. Mckay is sporting a few chicken pox. All of the kids have had sore throats. Mckay is the first to have spots. He is pretty happy maybe a little tired. My favorite thing was Greg wanting to get a pair of pink moccasins. He is really trying to think about gender roles and we are working on changing a few things about our assumptions. Conversations at home have been pretty interesting lately. The raspberries are beginning to be ripe. It is so enjoyable to watch and understand the process. The chicks are getting bigger. I put them outside a bit today and it helped them calm down later. It is a treat to observe them and understand their emotions and how they relate to eachother and to us and to the outside environment. One of them tried to swallow a stick. I had to pull it out of its throat. wow! They are weird.

sesame street talks about marriage

Pride parade

What a wonderful family experience it was to participate in the pride festival parade on Sunday morning. It seemed our family presence was much appreciated. I know I grew in appreciation and understanding for the children who deal personally with these issues. They need us as much as we need them. I was brought to tears when I saw a young man in a golden speedo preparing for his place in the parade. How long will we suffer that our children must endure our ruthless public and political inquiry into their private and personal lives? I take way too much for granted.

A handful of our close friends were there. Families. Adding their voice and action. The majority of our friends and families were attending their church meetings. My favorite belief that i have heard and seen practiced here and there by insightful hearts, is that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. On one snowy day a couple of years ago, we were all dismissed early from our sacrament and other meetings so that we could return home and shovel all the neighborhood walks. Not just our own, but others elderly or otherwise unable. Today, our family excused ourselves from our meetings on the same premise. There are saints in the parade who are unable to live happy and fulfilled lives without our acknowledgment and help. We felt privileged to share those moments of hope with them. We love you Johann and Elaine!!

think think think said pooh bear

I just wanted to remember some of the dumb reasons we bring up in sunday school to explain the patriarchial order in the church. and remember that the church is an auxillary to the family. that the sabbath and any transcendant action is an auxillary to the individual and family. These options provide opportunity, but remember that a person doesn't become a car just because they sleep in the garage. We are not trying to become our options. We are using our options to develop our abilities. We need to increase our knowledge of our options. Hopefully we wont let the perceptions of our present options keep us from that increase of knowledge. The more knowledge, the more options, the more action, the more ability, the more ability, the more understanding, the more understanding, the more happiness and fullfillment.


One POV (a person who doesn't know?)

The official explanation is that women are kept from having the priesthood because women are more spiritual than men, therefore, men need to have the priesthood to teach them how to be better people (Johnson 86). Women are also told that, because they have the all- important ability to bear children, men need the power of the priesthood merely to remain equal with them.


Another POV (a person who knows?)

A misunderstanding of women’s roles in the Mormon Church is engendered by those who don’t know themselves and by those who wish to claim that the patriarchal order de facto creates suppression. This is false. While a coercive order (patriarchal or matriarchal) represses, such an order is outside every tenet of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Patriarchy is not synonymous with presumption and unrighteous power; it is an organized divine pattern for the release of power equally for men and women.

there are some amazing things to learn. to soak up just like the sun. to work on just like the yard. to show interest in just like the kids. to love just like people. Greg and I spent the evening with several mormon gay folks. we watched a movie called 'if the world were mine' we also met several people for the first time. we are soaking it in. broadening our understanding and love for others seemingly unlike us and yet we need them. because of these people i have considered things i never would have thought to consider on my own. how can i not be profoundly thankful for our differences.

spirituality

“A true spiritual teacher does not have anything to teach in the conventional sense of the word, does not have anything to give or add to you, such as new information, beliefs, or rules of conduct. The only function of such a teacher is to help you remove that which separates you from the truth…”

Eckhart Tolle

the new lawn looks fabulous. the strawberries are ready and so much fun to munch while jumping on the trampoline. I caught Saydi sitting in a pile of clover looking earnestly for four leaf clovers. she has found 3 so far and one day she found a 5 leaf clover. Saydi was so cute in her pink feet pajamas. heavens these kids are magical. elaine has been coming around more often. she is so sweet to spend personal time with each of the kids going on walk dates. greg is working on building a chicken coop for our next door neighbor. then we will share the eggs and care for the chickens. it is amazing. our neighbors name is Jim and he recently went blind. he is so determined to keep his life full of social activities and interest. so he suggested the chickens. Greg found some really cute plans on line. this thing has wheels and is easily dismantled and added onto. We are really looking forward to spending time with Jim this way. The flowers and herbs have bushed out this year. The raspberries and grapes are looking very productive.

fun stuff

i stitched up a cute little carry bag. our ward has ten babies coming before the end of the year. oops, 11 (someone is having twins). so i am busy making bags. they are turning out really cute. even Greg thinks so. that's saying something. hehe. this one is green and winnie the poohish colors. so today Mckay really wanted some cheddar cheese sunchips. i told him they cost $4 and that we needed to wait until we paid for the sod and dirt we ordered. Well, he set about finding $4 around the house. went right to my wallet and found a dollar. hehe. he was excited then cause he also found 40 cents on the floor he says. he showed me his money and I asked where he got it all. he admitted to getting the dollar from my wallet. good little boy. he is awesome. honesty is a good thing. anyway, he still didn't have enough. so he waited patiently for dad and the minute he got home he had him talked into going to the store to get some chips. mckay knows about those cards that work like money. haha. well, that was easy cause greg is a sucker for a kid who knows what he wants and gives greg an excuse to walk with them. so, mom's idea about waiting to get the sod was easily solved. They went to the store and mckay was happy as could be. he took his backpack and carried the chips all the way home.

On the way mckay said this is just a walk, not a hike. Then when they got to the store Greg complimented Mckay for walking all the way and asked if it felt like a hike and Mckay said oh no. a hike is much longer. you have to take a plane to get there and it's in Australia. haha.

Saydi was in the spelling bee. she was the first one out. she was nervous and spelled pretty, preety. she played hopscotch afterwards outside and was a really good jumper. then she chased her friend sidney around the playground for a while. these kids are cute!!

Jaden read The Cat in the hat today. she just repeated what I said, but she stuck with it for several pages. then she told her dad that she can read. its cute. she really wants to read like mckay. it'll happen.

Chandler is working on a weaving project. a bag for me. it's turning out nicely.

owies

okay. ouch. today i feel like i might do better in a mental ward. digging into past issues is treacherous. as is receiving the healing balm. I could use some of that. oh lets just have a big old sad party. privately today. Let's avoid the palooza style this time. This time i just need to feel my space. Imagine a place filled with sun and flowers where I can just let the sadness come in and make its cleansing sweep of the heart. Oh, oops, that is earth. I'm already there. It is a rather beautiful place to feel all of these emotions and make such interesting discoveries. there are a few people wanting me to succeed. i'm thankful today for the decisions eons ago to bless this place with sun and stars and moon, flowers and trees, animals, lindsays music on her blog, me, you, land, air and water. and fire. ouch. okay.

mother

just been thinking more about mother in heaven. the other day i tried to visualize her. all i came up with were brown arms. i guess the sense of the visualization were arms to comfort and sustain me. maybe it was from a discovery channel program on Queen Nefertiti. she made great decisions in her lifetime and she nurtured a few children as well. she had chariot races with her husband. sounds adventurous to me.

so for mothers day.......

mother in heaven

arms to comfort and sustain
wit and will to ease the pain
dancing singing playing too
dreams adventure living true
search my face for meaning
desire and intent
leading out from prison
with courage heaven sent

no worries for a moment
the world sees only father
with patient understanding
they'll overcome together
as knowledge rises in the wind
time gives and then collapses
mother father you and me
complete the souls synapses

Awesome Discoveries

A story about the first woman Episcopal Bishop in Utah. Carolyn Irish Tanner.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,595045756,00.html?pg=1


And France Davis, Reverend of First Cavalry Baptist Church in Salt Lake City

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,450017072,00.html

Luxury of Doubt

If you are like me you haven't considered the fact that we live in a motherless household. The management of our homes is expected to be conducted by men. Ages 12 and older. The irony of this is that a woman usually reminds the man of his various management duties. So what is that all about? If women are leaders why are they hidden in this way?
If we have a mother in Heaven, why am I afraid to recognize her as a source of wisdom and guidance, enough to seek for her influence in my life. Saying that feminine traits are somehow more sacred and spiritual than masculine traits and religious access to her should be hidden from a mortal child's view, makes no sense. If feminine traits are more sacred and spiritual than masculine traits, isn't that exactly what the world needs to move into a state of peace or millenial reign?

Revelation doesn't come until someone asks a question. Where is the influence of a woman in revelations that come through masculine religious leadership? Are they behind the men reminding them of what to include in their prayers? Is that truly what God desires for me, a woman in his kingdom? To be a man's reminderer? Isn't that what alarm clocks are for? And those get knocked to the floor.

Where is my father? Where is my mother? I have stopped playing and started listening to the deafening silence. With little effort, I easily find father. In another room, but he is there. But mother is missing. And someone desperately doesn't want me to talk about or find the mother that was lost. I don't attribute that desire to any human on the earth. We have all been robbed. Some, like me, were born into this poverty and have known nothing else. I understand and can forgive those who lead with as much honesty as was given them in earthly society. There is an irony however. Every woman born is another testimony against us that mother is there. I am a woman. That means that Mother is alive. Mother is involved. And with those testimonies, we are asked to bring her back to her rightful place beside the father.

Lines from Emily Dickinson express the panic that can accompany the realization of any truth.

Twas like a Maelstrom, with a notch,
That nearer, every Day,
Kept narrowing its boiling Wheel
Until the agony

Toyed coolly with the final inch
Of your delirious Hem-
And you dropt lost,
When something broke-
And let you from a Dream-

As if a Goblin with a Gauge-
Kept measuring the Hours-
Until you felt your Second
Weigh, helpless, in his Paws--

And not a Sinew-stirred--could help,
And sense was setting numb-
When God-remembered-and the fiend
Let go, then, Overcome-

As if your Sentence stood-pronounced-
and you were frozen led
From Dungeon's luxury of Doubt
To Gibbets, and the Dead-

And when the Film had stitched your eyes
A Creature gasped "Reprieve"!
Which Anguish was the utterest-then-
To perish, or to live?

It is difficult for me to admit that Mother in Heaven lives! If she lives, why am I not allowed to think of her, or to imagine her presence. I feel it would be disapproved of for me to even mention her absence beside the Father. Partially, because her behind the scenes presence has been so taken for granted as to be unnaccounted for in her ability to lead, guide and walk beside the father in comforting and guiding, receiving and answering the prayers of their children. The only women my religion gives me to thank and emulate are human. And yet, my heart would leap to think that I do have a mother in heaven who cares for me as father and brother care for me. And yet, I am asked kindly, not to worship her along with father, the sole creator of all? It is an agony I do not understand.

Music

http://www.cmt.com/videos/unplugged/kieran-kane-kevin-welch-fats-kaplin/99751/i-cant-wait.jhtml

Soul Train

Soul Train

Here I come. Union specific of body. Desire of thought. Don't know about soul. But that's the grate train I came on. Destination earth. Googled-to Richfield Utah. At least-that's what others-named the place. Intelligence-outside of creation. I was. Taking on a challenge I hadn't known...but which others-had named. So, there I was, like shredded carrots in a bowl of green jello-

Placed immediately-in the fridge-to set. Thinking I might be a delight to some, I tried to arrange my several pieces-into a kaleidescopic pattern. Orange bits struggling to bring aesthetic design to a quick thickening substance. This wasn't working.

When we came to the table, I shivered. What had been confining and cold, was now ever so slightly releasing its hold, and restoring a sense of watery warmth. In hope, I tried to resume the intentioned design, only to be distracted-by appreciation, in varying degree. At the end of the day I lay exposed and confused in a puddle of green, watery sugar.

Just having a little poetry fun. whatdo ya think?

Relationships

I'm thinking about a sweet daughter and son-in-law. And something I may have passed on to her. Which I regret. I want to speak up now, for still we are here. Perhaps. Today, I read on a blog out there.....parenting is too important to leave to chance and too important to be approached defensively or by reaction.

But that is what I taught you. Our love relationships with ourselves, our parents, our friends, our children, nature, creative forces, they are the same. Didn't I instill this in your heart and mind? Warning: Relationships ahead. Approach defensively, reactively.

On a human level, that is what was given to me and I obediently followed that advice and have passed it on to you fully expecting that you will obey it too. But thankfully, humans are not the only ones who have access to our hearts, that is if we consider the transcendant. I respect the turning away from the God of imperfect men. It is one step towards knowing. Then I must consider how I would influence. Stay with imperfection? Stay with men? Stay with God? Stay with Respect. Stay with turning. Stay.

I was 24 when this poem reached my heart. Not completely, but in part. At a time of choice, a time to turn, a time to listen, not to spurn. Words that gently soothed my soul, it whispered where I longed to go. And even though the way is long the winding road and soulful song kept me secured like gravity in leaden feet. Through depression no retreat. Reminder that would urge me on assigned delay with trauma bond.

For this daughter. I too walked the way of confusion in relationships. Would that you did not have to.


Dressed In White

Life is filled with distractions.
Pivot points.
Paradoxes.
Periodic impasses.

I try to leave my troubled thoughts by walking.
But even the twilight air,
Cold and crisp,
Cannot resolve the war of words
Within my mind.

There is a padded softness
In the crunching snow.

Muffled sounds.
Mingled thoughts.
Muted tones.
Massive tree trunks—I follow them upward
Trying to express a wordless prayer,

And through a network of numberless branches
I see a puzzled sky.

I wonder.

I wait.

Silently I turn
And follow the meandering trail of solitary footsteps
Across the deepening snow.

The earth seems simple
Dressed in white.
Serene and grandly dignified—reminding me
Of sacred ties.
And templed thoughts trickle through my mind
Thawing for a moment
My icy indifference.

The world is simple dressed in white.

The snow becomes a blanket of warmth.
And wrapped in it
I head for home.

Roger Bushman

children

From all the jails the boys and girls
Ecstatically leap-
Beloved only afternoon
That prison doesn't keep

They storm the earth and stun the air,
A mob of solid bliss-
Alas-That frowns should lie in wait
For such a foe as this-

Emily Dickinson

Possibility

I dwell in possibility-
A fairer house than prose-
More numerous of windows-
Superior for doors-

Of chambers as the cedars-
Impregnable of eye-
And for the everlasting roof
The gambrels of the sky-

Of visitors-the fairest-
For occupation-this-
The spreading wide my narrow hands
To gather paradise-

Emily Dickinson

Faith

Faith is a fine invention
When gentlemen can see-
But microscopes are prudent
In an emergency

Emily Dickinson

Truth

Tell the truth but tell it slant-
Success in circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm delight
The truth's superb surprise
As lightening to the children eased
With explanation kind
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind-

Patience

To learn the transport by the pain-
As blind men learn the sun!
To die of thirst-suspecting
That brooks in meadows run!

To stay the homesick-homesick feet
Upon a foreign shore-
Haunted by the native lands, the while-
And blue-beloved air!

This is the sovereign anguish!
This-the signal woe!
These are the patient "Laureates"
Whose voices-trained-below-

Ascend in ceaseless Carol-
Inaudible, indeed,
To us-The duller scholars
Of the mysterious bard!

Emily Dickinson

Two Adorable First Graders

Saydi and her friend Bell are singing in the school talent show this year. They will be singing 'You are my sunshine'. Originally Bell was going to tryout by herself, but she was too scared, so Saydi volunteered to sing with her. They made it through two auditions and into the final program. Saydi has taken charge in how she expects everything to be handled, from wearing a dress, to having the dress at school for rehearsals and deciding to wear her crocs without socks!! Haha. The dress is pink, cute and the crocs are blue with multicolored swirls. We compromised on how many ribbon ponytail holders would go in her hair. We settled on pink and yellow. She wanted to add blue and orange too. Maybe I'll run more interference and take some pink socks to school. Do you think she will wear them?

Embrace This Day

"In the time of my membership in the Church, I have grown to understand that this is the most important priority in our lives. When we are filled with the Holy Spirit we will not sin. We will be filled with wisdom, and we will be able to have the fruits to heal the wounds of the afflicted and to build a community of Saints. It is also obvious that without constant efforts, it will be very difficult to always be focused on our most righteous desires. Therefore, I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts:

• Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.

• When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.

• In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take.

• First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don't permit anything to detract you from this awareness.

• You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ.

• Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul.

• Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church.

• God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve.

• God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us--everything will fall into its place.

• Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin.

• When you cannot love someone, look into that person's eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him.

• Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges.

• If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.

• Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts.

• Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship.

• Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction.

• You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do.

• The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it.

• Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.

• And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.

Surprise blessings

I decided to visit a friend who I only know from church. She just had heart surgery and the word was out that she was home and taking visitors. So, I hopped on my bike and ran over to the local Jolley's drugstore to buy a treat and a flower pot (on sale). Then bike over to the local Twigs flower shop to have the owner arrange a double pink lily in the flowerpot. Then up to my friend to visit. The weather is perfect just after spring rain. Greg is working from home and the kids were left with instructions to finish doing the dishes while I was gone. I was totally caught off guard with her reply when I inquired of my friend who were her neighbors. She said that her neighbors were two gay guys. The guys have been together for a little over 20 years. They have always called them 'the girls'. I asked if she had told them about that and she and her daughter laughed and said 'oh no'. Both guys lived there until two weeks ago when one of them died from heart failure when he was on a trip to Egypt with his father. After expressing their sadness for their neighbors loss, they went on to say that the corner house next to them just sold to another gay couple. I was pleased to talk of such wonderful things, and my friend asked, 'Are there alot of gays in Sugarhouse?' That made me smile. She also said that her hairdresser is gay. I feel so happy to be part of open discussions of gays. This is the subject history has presented to us (as Carol Lynn Pearson puts it) and I have to say I am always pleasantly surprised to find the opportunities are abundant. I so want to be part of these changes for love and inclusion. I went away from our visit blessed to hear the thoughts of acceptance, love and compassion that this family expressed for their neighbors.

It just surprises me to hear the feelings and stories embedded in the hearts of people. I really feel something truly special is happening.

How Soap Operas came to be

So, I've been dealing with some trauma bonds. It's this awesome thing you can do when you want to figure out why you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. What you do is think about how the current stress mirrors a past stress. Then you identify the under 'lying' problem of the original stress. Then you reparent yourself by saying 'gee, that's a nasty boo boo, do you want a bandaid and a hug?' Then you grieve long enough to feel better and then you are free from that trauma bond. Warning: Side effects include strong reactions from key family members when you vacillate in your resolve. This can cause a repeat of the trauma bond at which point you may have enough material to submit to a TV station for a soap opera.

Home Improvement

Greg was putting in a new wood door for our bedroom. He chiseled out places for the hinges. Mckay came in to look over Greg's work and commented how he almost thought that Greg ruined the door by chiseling those spots. Greg quickly offered the insight that you have to do that for the hinges to have a place, but Mckay was right on it and said "yeah, I realized that" hahaha

Gardening

So I was weeding the strawberry patch and heard this little voice calling "A little help here, a little help here" I looked around and saw Mckay in the middle of a nose dive on his bike. His leg was caught and he was struggling to keep himself from falling completely over. I ran down from the terrace to help and got there just as he fell over. In falling he was able to free his leg. So I scooped him up and held him while he cried and caught his breath.

Mckay's funnies
Greg and I have been attending a class that explores human sexuality. I was completing an assignment to make a clay sculpture representation of my sexuality. As I was working on it Mckay asked what I was doing. I told him I was making a sculpture to share with the class. He said, how can you share it? If you share it you have to rip it up into pieces. Haha. In some ways that description matches exactly how I have felt sometimes.

Sharing Beliefs
I came across an idea from the Dali Lama. He talked about how we justify leaving one religion for another by finding fault with the religion that we are leaving. He believes it is better to avoid doing that because the religion you are leaving is important to many others who still practice that religion. We respect the religion of others as we respect our own. Fabulous idea. I have a few questions about my religion and I have been tempted to complain or point out the paradoxical nature of certain aspects. It can get out of balance quickly. I'm glad to be reminded that negative energy towards anything promotes a negative outcome. Questions are welcome. Questions that don't include an assumption but rather an openess to the answer. Questions such as these, padded with positive energy can only lead to wonderful discoveries.

Relationships
Well, insight came from Mckay. He is one year older than Jaden and has been struggling to have a friendly relationship with her. Today his innate kindness shown through. He announced that from now on he is going to share his special things with Jaden. For example he told me that his bike is special, but he will let Jaden ride it sometime. He also said that anything he has that is special is something he will share from now on. I laughed and thought his gesture was sweet. So I asked him why and he said so she won't cry. And that touched me even more and I asked him why he doesn't want her to cry and he said because it makes her feel bad. And when I asked why he doesn't want her to feel bad, he laughed and said mom, can you stop asking such silly questions?

Learning from those who are different
Saydi and I attended a book signing and lecture by Mormon Women. Emma Lou Thanye was one of the speakers. I loved her comment that she has learned so much from others who are unlike herself. She also doesn't think of herself as a role model or example because she just is who she is. Catherine Stokes said that she doesn't think of herself as having courage because if you have courage you know you are being courageous. She says she just does what she feels she needs to do. Another woman from connecticut said she was told that there were alot of sterotypical women in Utah, but that she has never met one because everyone she has met has a story that doesn't fit the stereotypical model. I asked a question about whether they believe mormon women can create solutions for love and inclusion of our gay and lesbian loved ones in the church. Sister Stokes said she feels it is a civil rights question and we can be accepting. Sister Thayne said she feels we should listen to others and welcome them with love into our circle. She emphasized the fact that everyone has a story. I want to note what I am thinking. It is the children of the church who need to be taught to accept themselves. It is when you are a child that you realize you may be different. What can we create to develop self acceptance in gospel terms. What would Jesus do.

After the meeting I spoke with two moms and we talked about our role as women in the church and these issues. Each of them also knew gay and lesbian loved ones. I was encouraged that people really do care. We are just stuck not really knowing if we need to be or not. Some think we have all the answers we need. Some, like me, think we are standing at the door to the heart and Christ is inviting us to knock and enter. I believe upon entering we will find our loved ones embraced by his love and light. And we will be welcomed if we wish to be.

Days for Work and Play
It's another nice spring day. We took the kids to Westminster Park after school. We played checkers, and ball and raced from tree to tree. Greg came over later. Some girls from Emerson Elementary were there for a little while. One of the girls asked Saydi if she went to Emerson Elementary. I think that inspired Chandler to climb a tree in the area that they were swinging.Then he came over and told us he was climbing trees to toughen up his feet. Smile.

Fire Starter
Greg is downloading some songs to a pen drive. He is doing it to surprise his sister tomorrow. It's her birthday and we are sharing dinner with their family. I'm so touched. It is sweet to me that he would do that for her.

Days for work and play
I spent a few hours at the park with Mckay and Saydi today. We played several games of checkers on the picnic tables. We shared a carmel and some yummy lunch things. Then waited until we had the park to ourselves and played fox and geese by making paths to follow in the shredded bark. We took turns being the gox and geese and roasting eachother for dinner. Saydi and Mckay invited me to dinner at the Manchala. They cooked fish and made orange manchala pickle icecream. Our imaginations ran wild. We raced eachother from tree to tree. The kids took turns spinning in the spinning bowl. Greg came along on his bike. He was making a trip to home depot to get wire and such for the row covers we are setting up in the garden. Earlier I spent some time serving at the Jordan River temple. It was very busy. On the way home I bought some straw to compost our garden. Chandler spent most of the day playing badmitton with his friends. We finally headed home from the park when Mckay needed a bathroom break. We got home and Greg set up the garden covers while I vaccuumed the car from the straw bales and then I went shopping for food and marshmellows. We roasted the marshmellows over the stove burners in the kitchen.

Discoveries
In his book 'Musichophilia' Oliver Sacks demonstrates the personal meaning that comes from living in the present. He discovers the capabilities of different kinds of memory in his work with Clive. An amnesiac. Clive was an accomplished musician before his brain impairment. His ability to remember was restricted to 3 seconds at a time. He would repeatedly think he was alive for the first time but not be able to remember in context to the past or the future. He could not remember that he was repeating the comment that he was alive. With the help of his wife, who had to show him written music pieces or sing to him, he was able to play sing and conduct music the same way he had before his injury. But he could not think to look for the music or think to sing it for himself. Oliver Sacks states. 'It may be possible that Clive, incapable or remembering or anticipating events because of his amnesia, is able to sing and play and conduct music because remembering music is not remembering at all. Remembering music, listening to it, or playing it, is entirely in the present.

The hearing of a melody is a hearing with the melody.....it is even a condition of hearing melody that the tone present at the moment should fill consciousness entirely, that nothing should be remembered, nothing except it or beside it be present in consciousness.......hearing a melody is hearing, having heard and being about to hear, all at once. Every melody declares to us that the past can be there without being remembered, the future without being foreknown.

His wife Deborah wrote "Clive's at homeness in his music and in his love for me are where he transcends amnesia and finds continuum--not the linear fusion of moment after moment, nor based on any framework of authobiographical information, but where Clive, and any of us, are finally, where we are who we are.

Comings and Goings
I attended a memorial service for a friend from our church group. I am deeply moved by our existence. She truly cared about each person she spoke with. She was a listener. Each life that touches ours for good reflects the mercy of a loving parent.

Stories
Mckay came running into the kitchen with a book in hand saying "I really can read". He has been reading for a while. Sometimes I could tell he was reading by guessing. Tonight he surprised himself and made that transition. I love watching him discover new things about himself.

Days for work and play
Chandler is dog sitting today. While his friends are out of town. He brought Sophie over for a while to play. Mckay and Saydi loved petting her. Responsibilities help us enjoy growing and discovering.

Fire Starter
Saydi wrote invitations for Mckay and Jaden to come to the trampoline for a party. Mckay was soooo excited. They had a party of writing notes to eachother.This warms my heart to see the children caring for each other spontaneously.

Welcome
Welcome to our circle of wagons. I hope you find that this is a circle big enough to love you. Our goal is to move safely together on a journey of discovery. To learn in faith to love ourselves so that we might more fully love each other.